I'd like to cut them off...

Maybe I'm just angry... and high... and perhaps a little crazed, but you'll never hear me say that again.
Maybe I'm just frustrated, jealous, let down, disappointed, etc.
How about all of the above? I'm just completely dissatisfied with this behavior...
I'm just putting in my two cents here every so often after all so I should certainly not be so fuming yet distraught. I should not be feeling this intensely about this...

But I feel that I hate you. No matter how much I want to be close to you. No matter how often I long to hear your voice...

I'm simply going to be very frank...
I have to bust my ass to get your attention.
You speak in circles and (mainly lately speaking) all you ever write about is either not being able to write or about how fucking in love you are with a girl though you don't believe in love.
False claims and let downs. That's what you've been. Feeling close to you was something I was warned to avoid. I got that, but I was doing just fine until you started making things difficult with your cavity sweet conversation and your "I think if things were different there'd be something" thrown in randomly to your avoiding and friendship revoking.

I hate people.
And I hate being too tired and too frustrated to write, or take any action.
The actions that I did take lead me no where but here.
I think that if you noticed when others practiced what you preach you would eat your words.
Writers always do eventually.

Understanding?

There is none for me right now.

I miss him.

There is not just one him. This is not a simple situation.

The truth is I'm wasting time hoping for things that there truely is no hope for...

He.
Who no longer has time for me.
Who no longer makes time for me.
Who pops up at random. One chance. Only chance.
Who's feelings I question still...

And He.
Who lives in a seperate state.
Who I'd have NO chance at a date with.
Who I know could know it is him.
Who I shouldn't care for.
Who's feelings I wish were there...

Finally He.
Who I am with.
Who is older than I by much.
Who my family would never approve of.
Who's wife I met today...
Who's divorce is final in a few months.
Who's feelings could be more trouble than they're worth...

But my feelings won't allow my mind to release their images from my thoughts.
Because my heart has always been in control and it's not letting go.
20 years and going strong. Does the mind take over with age?

The Message

You never know how much of an impact on someones life you can have by sending a simple text message...

I havn't been online... I've been working so damn hard... I quit my job at the Jerk Pit. Great people really... but it wasn't right for me. I work at Famous Hamburger still... I work A LOT. I need to get some rest and I need some time to think. I don't write much at all anymore because when I am not working I am still playing Gods War. It is all I do to relax. Play videogames to relax.... then sleep and work.

But in all that... my disappearance goes unnoticed perhaps by many... but thankfully you havn't forgotten me. So please. Feel free to call upon me anythime you wish. I do miss you. Thank you for never forgetting me. I wish I could give you the world.

Addiction?

I've been playing a new game online called Gods War. It's free, It's an MMORPG, and I like it. Doing anything else while I play makes me lag. So that's PART of the reason I havn't been updating... The other part is I work too much. Finally have a job. It's nice. The third part is that when I'm not working I'm sleeping, playing the game, or TRYING to have a social life. But the final part in this is...

I was just in the hospital from Saturday, September 19th, 2009 until Friday, September 25th, 2009. I have Sickle Cell Anemia. My liver enlarged for the first time and hopefully the last. I'm tired. I missed a week of school AND work. I also woke up late today and missed my first class. I was 15 minutes late to the second class. I have to be at work working by 5pm today. Please... Let the weekend come back with a quickness.

Envious (Liar Liar)

"I'm still learning how much I hate many of the aspects of my life. I'm surprised I can be optimistic about it. I hate the fact that everything becomes a competition with you. A social one. For attention. In this particular situation set in this scene I always lose. That's why I notice it. You never notice when you're winnig. But it's ok. Because I'm never going to have anymore girl friends. So this should minimize the risk of this situation happening too often I suppose. Unless I continue to take you everywhere. This scene is the only one I can't be in without you. So this could be the only scene or at least one of two that I have to deal with you in. I love you and all. But I'm simply fucking tired of dealing with you and all of your bullshit."

Done With Games (It's Called Growing Up)

Lately I have been feeling ignored. I was told to fight fire with fire.

"Ignore his calls and texts. Don't talk to him."

How childish. I feel that communication is important in a relationship. I don't simply mean in a coupled relationship. Family, friendships, co-workers, everyone must communicate if they are to interact at all. So if you do not like me then you can tell me. I do not need to play this game where I ignore you because I feel ignored. I want to simply hear it from you, or get the message. Granted at this point the case is pointing at we are both suddenly very busy and it is making together time difficult to scrape up.

I've said this many times lately and I feel the need to say it yet again. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. You can tell me you don't feel this way anymore and I won't go crazy. But I'm getting too old for games. I may only be twenty, but once you graduate high school it's time to cut the bullshit.

I told my friend that while I appreciate her concern I'm not up for that sort of behavior. I will just discuss my status when I see him next. I need to be mature. If ever there was an area where I knew how to behave maturely it would be this. Honesty is key, I've got a guarantee.

"Easier Said Than Done" (Number One)

"Worrying About Someone New"

A friend of mine suggested that I do this after hearing about a current dilemma. I have been seeing this... Man/Boy since July 16th. As of late our "randez-vous" have been slim to none. He has cracked the mask I've worn for two long years. I wasn't even aware until I met him.

I am left vulnerable and trusting, but I feel that I am being let down once again.

I do not feel missed. I no longer feel special. I wonder often how much I matter or ever did.

I am working now. I have a job finally and so does he. I am a waitress and he washes dishes. We do not work at the same place. Not even in the same city. He works very late. He has to wake up very early. I don't know when he's free ever. I have gone yet another week without seeing him. It is all I can think of and it is breaking me apart. I have felt this so many times and I stayed away for so many years only to be revisited.

So she says it's time to move on. To worry about someone else. How can you do that with someone you've grown so fond of? It never gets easier. All I have is hope, love... It's never going to be simple to give up on someone you care about. Not in the slightest. Based on experience I should walk away now. However, I've never been one to listen to that. Walking away seems to hurt just as bad. Instead of worrying about someone else and pretending that he no longer exists I have opted to bite the bullet. I will see him at least one more time before this is all said and done. I will confront my fears. I will see if I am correct or if I am simply being psyched out by the face I now see. This mask-less face that I thought I could hide from. I'm not sure what it is anymore. But perhaps it is getting the best of me.

Honesty, Honestly.

I made a mistake and I wouldn't apologize. I refused simply because upon making the mistake I was verbally attacked, and I do not believe I deserved the assault for my mistake. I was not given the chance to apologize before being jumped at.

Had I been given the chance I would have apologized right away. However, You can't blow up at me for making a mistake before I even have the chance to say sorry and expect me to just tuck my tail and apologize.

I spent the rest of the night furious while you made snide remarks of me being a Bitch, an Idiot, "It's like talking to a brick wall", "I don't need to be hit on anymore anyway" You were very mature about it all.

I sat through the movie feeling out casted. I felt alone though sitting next to three of my so called friends. I say this because we started out arriving at the mall as friends and upon me making a small mistake and being instantly reprimanded I was then told that I should apologize first. Why? Because I am the one who started it by making the mistake.

Correct me if I'm wrong but without initial malicious intent I am not entirely the wrong one here. Now If I had made said mistake and then laughed at it and didn't care and initially refused to apologize THEN you have every right to get angry with me and retaliate. You paused and gave me the chance to say gosh I'm sorry and I laughed in your face and refused. However, this is not the case. Therefore, I will not be first to make amends. I made the mistake and upon turning around to find that I had indeed caused a commotion I was then screamed at and pushed before I could even part my lips to let the apology crawl through. I will not be treated like a dog.

If an animal gets into something that it is not supposed to, regardless of if it knew whether or not it was proper, you scold it. "Look what you've done! Bad ::Insert pet here::!" I am not a fucking animal. I am not your pet. Do not treat me this way. The initial response for a pet is to then go hide off somewhere for a while, sulk, and later return to your presence and nudge you or something as a sign of saying "Are you still mad? I didn't mean it. We still friends?" However, I will not do that. For again. I am not your fucking pet.

I am a human being I know without you telling me when I have made such an obvious mistake. All that takes to get my attention in this situation is perhaps an "Oh my gosh!" Or a "What the hell!" and I will turn around, look at you, see what I have done, and apologize. If I am just plain rude then I will not apologize. A simple "Oops. :: Shrug ::" Is all you're getting. That right there is a Bitch thing to do.

Now, before I even had the chance to turn around and realize what had happened you have shoved me and called me said "Bitch". Well if I am then why ever would I apologize. I am a bitch. You have said it yourself. So there will be no apology from me. You do not see this as wrong for you have assumed that I have done this to you on purpose. I have not. Assuming is a shitty thing to do. This means that you believe that I am just that rude. Now I am insulted. I do not apologize to people who insult me.

I can agree that this is a stupid argument simply for the fact that I know what I did is not something to fight over, however, it is also not a reason for you to push me and call me a bitch. I also know that it is simply because it was me who did it. If it had been one of our other two friends you would have done the initial "What the hell" and they would have apologized and it would be over now. But it isn't. You didn't. So not only have you insulted me but you are singling me out yet again. This is a regular occurrence. This is not the first time. However, it will be the last.

After the movie I have gone home. Yes I am still angry. No I have still not apologized. No I do not think you deserve me to. I have written a letter, however, and I will eventually have you reading it. Or perhaps listening as I speak it. It reads:

"I'm sorry that I spilled the sprite all over you. It was a mistake. I wasn't looking when I pulled it away. I had turned away from you right before you started drinking and pulled so I didn't know you're lips were even on it yet. But I'm not apologizing because I want to make up. I don't even want to hear your apology.

I'm apologizing because I wanted to BEFORE you decided to flip out on me. Because it really was an accident and I really didn't do it on purpose. I am tired of trying with you at this point. I can honestly say that if it had been anyone else you wouldn't have flipped out like that. You may have said "What the fuck!" and they would have simply said "Oh my God dude, I'm sorry... it was an accident." You may have been bothered but you would've gotten over it. Yet as it is with everything I do you chose to just assume I'm an evil bitch and I had a malicious intent.

I have done nothing but try to gain your acceptance for the past 6 or so years. I tried being EXTRA UBER nice to your dog not even getting mad when he hurts me by scratching my legs when he jumps up on me to greet me. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but hey, I didn't spill the drink on purpose either and you still flipped out on me.

I try dressing nicely to get at LEAST a "You look nice" out of you, but instead you just bitch at me about how I shouldn't have worn that outfit if I didn't want Berg (your dog) to mess it up. "I should have known better. I knew there was a dog in the house."

I try to drive as often as possible and pick at least A***** up so that you don't have to. I never charged you once for gas. I never required it. You did give me five dollars once in high school but you chose to and I told you you didn't have to. Yet every time I need a ride you want to charge me ten dollars which is not even how much it costs to pick me up and/or take me home.

I thought about paying for your ticket tonight, but you decided to make a snide remark about how A***** could pay for you with her five dollar bill, yet mentioned that I couldn't as if I didn't have the money because you only saw me with a one dollar bill and change which I had only had out because I already counted out my $1.75 for my ticket and put my money away. I in fact did have well over enough because I made money off of tips this week. You wouldn't know that because you never talk to me unless I'm with A***** and you don't really ask me anything about my life.

I know you seem to think it's hilarious to do things that A***** asks you to do, and then when I ask the same refuse simply because it's me, but honestly it gets old fast. Seriously M**** how would you feel if someone constantly told someone else how amazing they are and acted like you're not there, basically saying right to your face that this other person is far more superior in every way compared to you, did every little thing for them just about, even as simple as tell them the time when they ask, but if you want to know what time it is well you're shit out of luck simply because it's you...

Everything I ask of you or any idea I suggest you veto until A***** says she wants to do it. No this isn't EVERY TIME and I know you're doing it to mess with me (at least I should hope you're not seriously that cold), but you do it so frequently that it starts digging in deep. I didn't ask for "tickets to the gun show" because I feel like I shouldn't have to ask. You didn't make A***** ask. Yet again it's just another little teasing thing you do that I don't understand. You'll do something for someone else without them even asking, but I pretty much have to beg you for the same service you just offered someone else.

I don't even think you realise how hard I try to impress you in some way. Or maybe you do and that's why you act this way. You honestly treat me differently than anyone else. Even the people you've JUST met. I KNOW that you don't find me attractive M***, but as hard as I try you'd think you could at least be nice more regularly so that it's not such a surprise and catches me off guard when you are, and perhaps not put me down and make me feel like crap almost every time I see you.

Especially on days like this. When you're actually being nice to me and we are getting along pretty well and I'm actually some what happy. I can't do ANYTHING wrong because if I make one small mistake like accidentally spilling the sprite then you blow up at me and hate me for the rest of the week pretty much.

It'd be nice to actually be treated like I'm your friend. Or at least be honest and tell me that you don't want to be my friend at all. Then at least A***** can stop reassuring me that you give a shit in the least.


P.S.
You can't get over the fact that "I complain about A*** flirting yet I flirt too"
Everyone flirts M***. That is not my point.

A*** was originally supposed to be A*****'s good friend. Correct me if I'm wrong but I was told that originally A*** came over because she was J***'s girlfriend and you guys invited J*** over. A*** and A** apparently hit it off and were supposed to be good friends since. A***** would invite A*** over and they would hangout, but A*** decided she wanted to be one of the guys because that's just how she feels she fits in. Fine.

What's not fine is that what A*** is doing is basically like this:

Say J*** and A***** live together and you all come over their house all the time. Well I'm A*****'s friend right? So say I come over. I say "Hi" to A***** one time basically just to show I noticed she's there.

Then I come and I hangout with J*** and all you guys the entire time, drinking, smoking, whatever. All the while hitting on everyone and being over dramatic all the time just to get attention. A***** gets in an argument with J*** and is really upset. I'm supposed to be A*****'s friend so I should go after her and make sure she's OK right? But No. I wanna hangout with all of you guys and honestly don't give two shits about what's going on. So I just say "Well I'm her friend so I guess I HAVE to go after her..." and reluctantly I go off to find her.

That's fucking rude. I'm A*****'s friend so I should be there for her. Not ignoring her most of the time only hanging out with everyone else and reluctantly being there for her because I guess I have to since I'm supposed to be her friend. I think A*** is selfish.

Your problem is that you think that I'm just a big flirt who uses men just to have fun and toy with them. You also think that A*** is very attractive. Therefore, when A*** is hanging out with you guys you don't even notice the flirting as much AND you think she's cool because she's the only one of us girls that actually likes beer, smokes with you guys, and pretty much agrees with everything you say. You also don't mind when she flirts with you because again you think she's pretty.

On the other hand you think that I'm just a bitch who thinks that A*** is in my territory, or I'm jealous or something. Even though you've known me longer.

What I think is that not only is it shitty that all of you guys just assumed that about me, but I've known you all for 6 years now except for A*** because I don't think I met him Freshman year... Pretty sure it was after that. You've all known A*** since... this year maybe last year? After we graduated. Yet you trust her more.

You all made the assumption that because I flirt with guys a lot this means I'm using them. When what you don't know, because you only see me flirt in front of you and then never see what happens later, is that simply because I happen to find men very attractive and there are many attractive men around does not mean that I am just guy hoping and hurting guys left and right breaking hearts.

I long for a relationship like J*** and A*****'s (minus the arguing) where I can stay with someone for years and years and have them love me just as much as I love them and make it special. What you miss after the flirting is that I always flirt with a guy looking for a relationship and end up getting used and dumped. But you guys treat me like I'm the bad guy. Like I'm just some whore who goes around flirting, trapping, fucking guys and leaving them. They all leave me. I'm the one left wondering why they didn't want me. So while you're busy warning all your new guy friends about me saying that "I might try to hit on them and I'm bad news" and "be careful" because oh your new friends are nice guys and you don't want me to hurt them. I'm the one getting hurt looking for a nice guy while you're all trying to hide the nice guys you make friends with from me.

It's shitty because you all act like I don't have feelings and that I'm just out to hurt people. You've all known me for so long and yet you treat me this way? You really think that's how I am? How could you? Seriously.

Yeah M***, I mess with you about taking your virginity, but I never wanted to just fuck you to add to my tally of virgins or something like that. I have never been intimate with a guy that I did not want to be with. I have only done it too soon because I wanted to make them happy only to have them leave me because that was all they wanted in the first place. Even though they would tell me they wanted to be with me. I would be interested in you regardless of your virginal status. Yes I find virgins enticing, but I don't just go for them for that purpose only.

My point in this entire thing is this:
You have no idea how bad it hurts me that all of you guys (A***, T*****, J***, You, etc) honestly say these things and think these things about me. Especially knowing me for this long. You don't take me seriously. You could care less if I hangout with you guys half the time and often prefer me not to be there. You think that I'm just out to use you or your friends and hurt you all, and that I can't possibly be in a faithful committed relationship. I mean you think all of these things about me and yet you all still have the nerve to tell me I'm a friend. Honestly?

If this is really what you think of me then grow up and stop lying to me. I'm 20 years old I think I can take "we don't like you" without killing myself. Why should you feel bad? It's better to end it this way than to keep lying, talk about me behind my back, and have to deal with having me around when you don't really like me.

Honesty is the best policy. I've always been honest with all of you, regardless of if you paid attention or even cared about what I was saying or doing, It's only fair you be honest with me."

And there you have it. I will leave with this being said. I have pride inside and though often I hide behind this mask of a bad ass I am not all I may appear to be. If ever I have used anyone it has been myself. I will not bow to your thoughts and expectations. I will not break from the weight of your false accusations and assumptions. I'm done with this dance. Close Curtain.

Talent in Progress #2: Tearing Down the Walls and Chipping Off the Mask

Today I had a friend tell me that they could convince someone I've been trying to get the attention of for many years to go out with me. I laughed at her, but what she said kind of cut through me.

As she was standing in the doorway of the passengers seat of my car with her hand on the door she said:

"Oh, he'll go out with you. Because once he sees past your bullshit and hard ass exterior he'll realise that it's just a front and you're really just a sweet person who turns to mush around the person you love. Yeah. You know it's true."

And it hit me... "Close the door." I drove off feeling vulnerable and uneasy. I fought back tears as I realised what I've become.

Everything I am now is because of what I've been through. As is with everyone who's ever lived a life. But today I found out exactly what has happened to me.

I was once a shy girl, a hopeless romantic, a virgin, innocent and naive, insecure, mildly depressed, unsure of myself. I felt alone. I felt as though no one would ever understand me. I was then one I will call M1ZZUND3RZT00D. Misunderstood. It was my screen name. It was my everything. It was me.

Then I met a man whom I called my Angel. He had always made a point to make me smile. I fell in love, but he was seven years older than me and I was under aged. We only talked and flirted, but never had the chance to meet. He was a writer and wrote many poems that I grew fond of. You may have seen my tribute blog. It's for him.

We lost touch and the last time I talked to him he had told me that he was finally back with his ex whom he had been trying to get back for many years. He stated that he felt guilty talking to me and we never spoke again...

By then I had changed. Upon first talking to him I had begun to call myself TragedyCurse after one of his poems that I loved most. Slowly I had begun to open up. This was Junior year in high school. I began to get more curious about the human body (actively curious) and yet I fought with anger towards humanity and the ideals I had for myself. Senior year I lost myself in my actions with sex and promiscuity, I gained a mask of confidence and attempted seducing any attractive male I met in my path. Deep inside was still that little girl but I wanted so badly to be different so that I may finally reach my goal of being loved. I went to the other side of the spectrum and thus truly became just that. Tragically cursed.

After graduation I was still fairly innocent though no longer virginal. I had been shunned by my Angel who was now ashamed of me. I left my burden of ten months no longer calling him boyfriend but just friend and soon simply a boy. He was very much so just that. Not at all the man I thought he was, but a boy. I wanted a man. I wanted to love and all my life I had made an attempt to spread my love with a smile and kind words. Only to be rejected. Now I spread my legs hoping they will see the love within me. I got out of control. I was going about this the wrong way, but I thought it was right. What I had done before didn't work so surely this would.

It didn't.

Now here I am. Seventeen "men" later. Wondering where I've gone wrong. Slowly slipping backwards because after sweet sixteen I broke down. This isn't right. All I ever wanted is now even further out of reach and I'm losing myself in this process. I came to a halt. I went back to number eleven and he was there for me. He said he didn't need me but he wanted me. I felt he needed me as much as he tried to hide it. Sadly he has burst into flames. He is no more and I am left with number seventeen. I am starting to fall for him and things are becoming more difficult. I am going in reverse. The hologram is short circuiting. The mask has chipped...

I can't take back my virginity. I wouldn't. No regrets. But I am still that girl I once was. She is hiding behind this face I put on daily. But my foundation is flawed. And so the walls crumble. Thus here I am. Trying to make this work. Trying to figure myself out and fix my mistakes.

This is me. M1ZZ TC. Still misunderstood. And Cursed. Tragically.

Useless Talent #2: The Shepard, The Lamb, and The Slaughter

They say you can't tickle yourself, nor can you surprise yourself (outside of doing something you didn't think you'd ever get the nerve to do). You'll always know what's coming because you've made the decision to do it.

I, on the other hand, have mastered the art of tricking and trapping myself. Gentlemen this makes it easy because I'm doing most of the work for you.

I've heard the saying "Don't hate the player. Hate the game." many times in my life. I have come to the conclusion that if I am to hate anyone in this it is myself. A Player is basically the Shepard and his "Mark" is the lamb. Now as we should all know the Shepard brings the lamb to the slaughter. The thing is that I play myself. This lamb just goes a walkin up to the slaughterhouse without the Shepard even making a suggestion. I have fallen for some of the worst possible guys. I have put myself in some of the most ridiculous situations. I have been deep in denial and I have ditched all the good things I could have had along the way.

I thought the Shepard was good for me. I convinced myself. Men wouldn't have to lift a finger for me to be at their side faithful, tried, and true. I have been given up on, let down, looked over, crushed, ignored, blindsided, abused, you name it, I've felt it (for the most part).

I must be destined to follow those that don't truly care to lead me. As of late I find myself to typically be hung up on those that love another. Two from the past, though one of which I thought would be my future. I am now aware for he has made it very clear that what we had is history. The last from afar should be unimportant, but grows ever more dear to my heart, meanwhile, I am waiting to be blindsided yet again by the present I happened upon in my summer class.

The truth is I love, and when I love I give my all. The problem is I do not want to change this. I simply want my love to be reciprocated, and given to in return. Therefore, what am I complaining about you ask? The fact that you too may take my kindness for weakness, and I again will only show you that they are one in the same.

My problem is this. Why do we choose to flaunt our strengths? Why is it so wrong to show weakness?

I have found within myself as well as within others that though our strengths are great, and they shine beautifully on the outside to those that we share them with, if we use our strengths only to take advantage of one another and hurt eachother, then that is our true weakness.

Knowing and accepting your weaknesses and flaws as well as either ignoring or accepting the faults of others shows true strength.

I'm sorry I can't be perfect, but I never made that promise.

I Love My Mom

When you were 8 years old, your mom handed you an ice cream. You thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.

When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons. You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old she drove you all day, from soccer to football to one birthday party after another. You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked her by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.

When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming. You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.

When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, she taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, she was expecting an important call. You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, she cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.

When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you. You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.

When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.

And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART.

I try to show my Mom that I care about her. I didn't do the 10, 11, 14, 15, 16, 17 , or19 year old things. I didn't technically do the 9 year old thing. Instead I asked for a guitar for Christmas last year, and I rarely play it. When I was 18 I don't know if she cried at my graduation, but I didn't just disappear I hugged her and such and told her how I loved her. Then I went to the Senior all night party that was thrown by our school. I'm not twenty Five yet nor am I Fifty but I would never do those things... I couldn't imagen that... I love my mom dearly.

If this makes you feel guilty, or sad, or what have you... Call your mom. Tell her you love her.

Mine called me this morning asking me to do her a favor and I jumped into action. In my head I thought gosh I dontfeel like leaving the house, but I was ready to do it anyway to help her out. She tried to buy me lunch to thank me and I said nah maybe I'll just come have dinner with you at home sometime. No need for her to spend money. I'm always here if she needs me... But I'm not cleaning the kitchen this weekend... I have to work.

What Do You Think?

Gabriel Iglesias tells a story about a "Racist Gift Basket" that he (along with his friend Martin) puts together and has delivered to G Reily (A fellow comedian and long time friend of the both of them) as a joke.

This is the Video

Do you consider this to be...
Racist? or Funny?

I myself, as a woman of african-american decent, find it absolutely fucking hilarious. I would have been perfectly satisfied with the chicken and grape soda, as well as the kool-aid. But I felt he should have put in some salt and vinegar chips as well as some Franks Red Hot Sauce. I don't like watermelon...

For more funny videos of Gabriel Iglesias go to his home page on youtube Hot and Fluffy Comedy

I think he's great.
What do you think?

This Is The New Shit

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST

Cleverly answer these questions...


Pick an artist: Hollywood Undead


1.) Are you male or female?
Black Dahlia

2.) Describe yourself:
Young

3.) How do you feel about yourself?
The Loss

4.) Describe where you currently live:
City

5.) If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Christmas in Hollywood/California

6.) Your best friend is:
Everywhere I Go

7.) Your favorite color is:
No. 5

8.) You know that:
Pain

9.) What's the weather like?
No Other Place

10.) If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
The Diary

11.) What is life to you?
Bottle And A Gun

12.) What is the best advice you have to give?
Sell Your Soul

13.) Your worst enemy is?
This Love, This Hate

14.) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Untitled*

15.) Describe your current relationship?
Paradise Lost

16.) Say something about love :
Knife Called Lust

17.) How do you feel about your parents?
The Natives

18.) You're siblings?
Undead

19.) Describe your job :
Pimpin

20.) What do you do to pass the time?
Turn Out The Lights

The Sabbath

I always wondered why they called it the Sabbath... Is that supposed to mean seven? Or day of rest or something? If so then today is my day I guess... Because this will be day seven.

He's going to a Black Label Society concert. Wish I could go as well. I'm failing to understand why this means I can't see him even for a second today...

I no longer want to be plagued with these thoughts of doubt and worry. I am just afraid of this turning out like all the others...

I came to the conclusion that I've really only ever had seven boyfriends if you discount the childish elementary/middle school situations, and the poorly situated and wrongly labeled misunderstandings and mistakes...

I would love to make him my eighth, but when I say this note that I do not mean he will be just another notch on my bedpost. I would truly love for this to last. I see this going far. Maybe not forever. No one can ever predict that outcome. It isn't a bad thought though.

He has to be in Battle Creek by 6pm. This has been brought to my attention as I am typing this and now I understand. The concert is taking place in the Kellog Arena. I will see him tomorrow I think. I get frustated easily lately when I don't see him for extended periods of time. This is something I must explain...

I have a bad history of losing the ones I care for the most. The stronger my feelings become, the more I fear he will leave me. I know that I need to just enjoy the time I have. Planning for the future is a good thing, but worrying about it never will be.

I must do my best to remain positive if not destracted lol

I should attempt to continue organizing my writings. Open Diary has made this difficult because they are idiots and do not put the timestamp on entries. EVER. Honestly, what kind of blogging site does not put the times on the entries? Or at least make it an option. Seriously people. What the hell?

And Counting...

Ending Day Six leaves me with "YOU didn't contact ME" 's and "I didn't receive" 's

I sent him a picture text... I called him... I texted him and he finally responds saying he hasn't heard from me all day. Never received my photo...

Well alright... May I make you all mine tomorrow?

"I dunno"

Seriously? Please... Let's not make today the seventh...
I missed my wake up call...

Live Forever

Sometimes the pain of living is far much worse than death,
but I have watched the living, and they choose to hold their breathe.
Though I will inhale deeply, and exhale shortly after...
I will cry each tear the hardest, and max out all my laughter.
I will clench these fists the tightest. I will smile my smiles the brightest.
I will see the sights through HD eyes, and feel each touch, and hear each cry.
My whispers will carry, my voice will ring, my screams and shouts the loudest. I
will taste it all. I'll fly, I'll fall, I'll LIVE the liveliest life there is...
I welcome it's pains, it's joys, and it's doubts, and I'll live
till life kills me from the inside out.
© 2009

He When I

He laughs when I'm serious, smiles when I cry,
is content when I'm livid, and lives while I die.
He is hot when I'm cold, young when I'm old,
dry eyed when I'm tearful, and dull when I'm bold.
But he is giving up while I'm striving for more.
He's closing up while I'm opening doors.
I know he has listened though speak no he won't.
At least now he knows that he's loved... But I don't.
© 2009

When Confusion Ends Well

All day I waited for you to come. You arrive at 3:54PM, but I miss your calls and come outside after calling you at 4:06PM. Bad news is that your father wants to go take care of some car business with you today and he wants to do it right after he gets off of work at 5PM, but he did not tell you this until you were already on your way out here... So I manage to see you for maybe half an hour to go get Oil for your car...

I'm upset... I try to be understanding... I cancel my dinner plans on some idiotic thought that it won't take very long at all for you to return. After all you did promise to return. My intuition gets the better of me, but it is too late to re initiate dinner. Instead I eat my leftovers.

I began to give up hope... and become hurt... it's been hours upon hours... My uncle is convinced I am going no where tonight. Shun the non believer! I refuse to listen. A small glimmer of hope and trust that you will not break your promise to me. Simply because you've never made a promise before. So this must be real.

At exactly 10:30PM you text me and I am on my way to see you. When I arrive we are unsure of what the plan is. During the brainstorm I receive a phone call and then spend most of my time tending to the needs of a friend. Simply because he is very important to me. You'll have to understand that eventually, however, I don't think you currently have any thoughts on it at all. So I suppose for now this doesn't matter.

It is at this point that I realise that I act somewhat childish around you... It may be product of a child-like innocence present in the feelings I posses that associate with you. Or I could just... get so nervous that I act like a little kid...

Things feel different. I worry I'm bothering you... boring you... Perhaps you do not like my outfit... perhaps you just don't find me as attractive as you once did.... It could simply be that I am feeling insecure today. I seek your approval and I do not feel that I am receiving it... Perhaps I am being needy today... I curse my chemical imbalance that comes hand in hand with being born a woman. Fluctuation of hormones = emotional roller coaster.

You barely get close to me... I want your attention... I've missed you...

But things alter. You gave me a sign.

As I lean against the corner of the booth at Pizza House My smile fades... I am giving up... You ask what's wrong and tell me to come here. Pulling me towards you you rub my belly. Silly boy. I feel accepted. We were simply tired. Now you hold me close. You touch me softly. Forehead kisses... My favorite.

All

is

well...

Oh... Right. I saw Chloe. A girl I went to Elementary/Middle School with. But that is unimportant.

I really like this boy...

"Mornin Suga Bear"

He always says this to me when he wakes up...
And it always makes me feel wonderful.

I was angry... simply because I miss him. But everytime he greets me with those three words I melt.

It's gonna be a glorious day

Day Five

I have been waiting all day for you and you're not coming.

This marks the fifth day of us not seeing each other... second in a row...

Why is this? "I'm sorry i wasn't planning on hanging out here as long as i did"

Well I didn't plan on waiting all day just to be disappointed...

I am tired of waiting for people.

Next time you will wait for me my dear. No longer will I be bored out of my mind.

ALL FUCKING DAY.

Call me.

Will I answer?

We'll see.

"I didn't plan on sleeping that long... sorry"

How do you like it?

I dressed up for you yesterday and you were too tired.

I dressed up today and you don't even have a good excuse.

IF I dress up tomorrow SOMEONE is going to see how damn good I look in this outfit.

Even if it's not you.

Do you realise how long it takes to do my hair?

I am wasting my time trying to look nice for you.

I'll just remain scrubby and unkept.

I hope you're satisfied.

Untitled

The only thing that I can say today is that I've gone away.
I made my way. I've made you stay. They say I could've made you pay,
but I chose to move forward. And, though I may look back,
I never will forget the lessons, never lose the meaning. Words I lack
I will soon find, and they will surely ease my mind
for I know I am not the messanger, but I am just the message sent
and I was meant for this. Hellbent on never turning back.
© 2009

Oh If Only {For Him... The Missing Angel}

Oh, if only I could find the time.
If only I could just rewind the days,
and find the friend I lost,
oh, some five years ago.

I never knew I'd miss you so
and never thought you'd let me go
so easily you've gone away.
One day I plan to find you,
make you stay here, lay with me dear,
just remember, just remember.

You said smile and that I did,
but I am no longer that kid.
A smile is plastered on my face
just to remember,

and now I drink,
though not for taste,
a beer for everyday I waste away
without you here.

You said I'd like it, but I don't.
Said I was like you,
but I think my soul is seperate
though it's near.

So now I search for you my Angel.
You're my Demon in disguise.
You corrupted me so many years ago
and saved my life,
but you could never have imagened
that without you things got worse,

though life is good there is no ocean.
Wingless, skyless on this earth...
It may seem I am doing better,
but I'm still here tragically cursed...
© 2009

"You just got the nerve first"

May 12th, 2009 HUM 185 The Horror Film Day 1

June16th, 2009 Just about...
First time I sat next to him... FINALLY.

Slowly I began to make conversation making further attempts daily...
His voice is far too exciting to listen to. I enjoy this far too much...

I now sit with him everyday.

I would like to ask for his number... I am certain he must have a girlfriend.
He is far too attractive to be single...

July 14th, 2009
Pussy out (Like A Boss)

July 16th was a lucky day. I like to say I grew balls for a day.

"That's a neat trick"

Yes I know, but I had to do something.
He's such a cool guy that I had to pull SOMETHING out from under my sleeve...

"I kinda wanted to see if you would come talk to me. Cause if you're interested then you'd come talk to me."

You see he's kinda shy...

It took us three days to kiss. I was nervous as hell.

At least we managed to cuddle and hold hands on the first day of our chill sessions. (July 17th)

We've seen each other almost every day since then. It's great.

We missed one day because:
My friend came into town and in the end it was too late to come see him and he could not make it out to me.

The second day was my fault because I stayed at my Exes house and didn't come out to see him. (Sunday July 26th)

The third night happened because of his phone getting wet... (Tuesday July 28th)

Now today it's a different story. We're both still shy but he's puttin' on most of the moves. Picking on me. Embarrassing me. Making me feel special. Finally. A sweet guy that does all the cute stuff but still remains manly.

I know that sounds sexist... but I don't want a guy that is going to hang all over me and cling to me endlessly any more than I guy wants a girl to do the same. When I say that he is still manly about it I mean only that he does not act like a little boy.

Sadly I did not get to see him today because he was playing drums with his band for about eight hours straight... got dropped off at home... was supposed to shower and come back out... but was too tired... making this day four...

The point in telling you all of this... is that I have not felt this way in a long time.

I am happy to say that I am happy. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't much look at other men and when I do I no longer think "I should get his number" Instead simply go on my way knowing they were attractive but I've got this guy. I do not think of other men when with him, but think of him when with other men.

I will not deny the thought of other men alone in my room. However, this is more of a "I sure miss ________" And is filled with a longing to speak with them and a wonder on how they are doing currently.

I do not want to date other men. I simply want to be his. While I am not...

It is not that he is seeing someone else. It is that he has not asked me to be his alone. And while the label is not required nor needed... it is nice to know... and the feeling is unmatched.

Wish me luck for I am turning back time.

A toast to the days when I was young and innocent. I will regress into the one I once was.

Bio

There are things that I don't remember
and there are those that I'll never forget.
Plenty of time that I have wasted
though none of which that I regret.
Things that could have been differently done
Battles I've lost and wars I've won.
Life moves on and moments come and go.

Memories Fade and Shadows darken.
Somewhere love has lost it's spark and
elsewhere new flames burn anew.
There is a place where I am You
and You are Me where She was He
and They were us, but I think here
we've changed. Now we can see
that life moves on and moments come and go.

So on with the show.
© 2009

Inconclusive...

I have come to one of many realisations... Though I have found intense happiness as apposed to my original content feeling... I have found myself still revisiting a certain idea I once had... Or I suppose may still have... This idea is irrational simply because I have been told more than once it will likely... NEVER... happen... and while I don't much care because I am certainly enjoying my current situation... There is a small part of me inside that still holds on.

But I think this is ok. My heart goes out to you simply because I care. I like to help people and for that I am not ashamed. Just know that it was not simply because I wanted to FIX you that I care for you... Rather that I want to help because I care. I begin to care for thing long before I realise just how broken they are. While you are mending on your own I feel that I can somewhat relate on the level of pain and frustration and the fight between anger and helplessness... So many aspects I can understand... Never to feel the same way, but I can relate...

I am unsure if this is good enough... Knowing you don't want my help... Knowing I've been shut out... Perhaps temporary... Perhaps more permanently... Perhaps I care too much... But I will continue and I will always be near by...

What Do You Enjoy?

I enjoy....

• Kissing as well as Cuddles and Hugs... Especially when they come from someone special...
• Spending time with friends...
• Sleeping... Even more so if it's along side someone that I care for...
• Smiling in a general sense, but also because of something or someone wonderful....
• Writing... Singing... And playing Video Games...
• Thinking of various ways to violently massacre the people I detest...
• Laughing at people... Especially at inappropriate moments in time...
• Seeking revenge... As long as I don't carry it out... I like to make the plan as malevolent as possible....
• Being uniquely myself even if I do seem fucked up at times... I'd rather be One fucked up individual... Than be just another one of the same sorry socially acceptable clones I see daily...

Tears of Joy

I can tell you right now that ever since I can remember I have wanted to find someone special. Someone who loves me fore me. A person who is simply content with me as I am and expects nothing else. I have always wanted someone that I can do things for who will also do things for me, and that we can help each other grow, take things slowly, and in the end hope to be paired together eternally. I wanted someone who I could trust, who respects me, and who excepts me.

I've found you.

I'll simply refer to him as Scruffy for now because that is what I call him. Like a pet name. A term of endearment. He grows out his facial hair and I like his scruffy look. The unshaven just waking up scruff. He calls me Scratchy... because I took my medication and it makes me itchy a lot... It's cute... you'd have to be there....

We met in HUM 185 The Horror Film. It took me about half of the semester to get up the nerve to talk to him and the other half to ask for his number... But I am glad that on the very last day Thursday July 16th, 2009 I asked for his number and began to text him after class.

I am proud to say that he has stated he is "Happy that he had to take that 3 credits of Humanities to graduate" and I am happy that I may have taken the wrong class by mistake (I think I was supposed to take ENG 140 Horror and Science Fiction) because we never would have met. He says he feels like he knows me somehow. He feels that He's seen me and perhaps he has around campus. I am convinced that I have seen him in a dream I had once as a kid.

Sometime in elementary school I had a dream that I was a Tall, White, Male, of about college age. Details aside my family was on a game show. I was supposed to dress up to win money if I could guess what I was after I put on the costume. Looking at the materials I could already tell I would be a werewolf. I closed myself in the bathroom and dressed and though clearly in the mirror I was a werewolf I screamed out "I'm not a werewolf... I'm a... a... VAMPIRE!" Thus a Vampire busted out of a closet door and attacked me.

We have been on three small dates. Not exactly serious dates.

We attended the Art Fair together on Friday the 17th. His alternator in his truck had died right as he pulled up to my house. Poor guy. We took my car to the Fair and I proceeded to hangout with him and his friends. There after we went to his friends house in Ypsi (He drove his truck and it managed to make it there. We got rather high and I fell asleep in his arms for a good half hour. He held my hand for the first time. He stayed the night at his friends (Kaya. A guy.) because of the alternator problem. We were together from sometime between 4pm and 4:30pm until about 4AM the next day Saturday the 18th.

Later that day we then managed to go on somewhat of a a double date to see Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen with My Best friend and her Boyfriend (Whom of which no one is supposed to know about). Then Sunday the 19th we were together from sometime between 3PM and 3:30PM until about 3AM Today (Monday the 20th, Happy Birthday Amanda). We watched the Rob Zombie movie House of 1000 Corpses and I brought him No Thai Sweet and Spicy Chicken with Yoga Flame and Extra Sweet Sauce. Broccoli too. With Rice. White Rice.

We went to the post office and he showed me around Northville, Michigan which is where he lives. We also went to Starbucks and I bought us each a Strawberries and Cream Frappaccino. We arrived back at his house (Parents place. Whatever. He also has a sister. Chelsea. Older sister.) and watch South Park together, I sat on him we cuddled it was wonderful. He reached for my hand. Pulled me closer. I layed my head on him we eventually ended up laying together. We were so comfortable we opted out of changing the VHS tape to watch more south park and instead watched TV. This noght was the most wonderful night of my life that I can currently recall. Around 2:30AM today Monday the 20th of July Hs mother gave us the idea that I should probably head out before shit goes down. So he walked me out to my car... and he held me... and he hugged me... and he pulld me close.

Sometime between 2:30AM and 3AM I have offically had my first kiss.

I have been kissed before, but this was the first with him and It was EVERYTHING a first kiss should be. could rewrite history and decide that none of the others counted if I reallly felt like it. But this kiss was the most breathe taking experience of my life. Surely if my eyes currently chose to cry out this would be because I have never been this happy. I have never felt this special. I have never had this happen. I have always wanted this and now it's here.

I swear up and down that he was the Man I was in my dream. He looked like what I saw in the mirror minus the make up. We met in Horror Film Class which coudl explain the werewolves and vampires. The bathroom in his basement looks very similar to the bathroom in my dream. When I walked into it the dream flashed before my eyes suddenly and that is when I knew.

Do you believe that dreams can predict things in the future? Even if the dream seems absured or simply appears to be a typical nightmare... I think this is possible. And even if it wasn't him. It is him that I know now and I am quite content as I will ever be. Longing for a dream I never thought would be true. Today I say I'm glad I've found you.

Masochistic Tendancies

Why is pain the most inspiring emotion? Even over extreme happiness... I write more when I am sad... No matter what. I find that when I'm happy I am bursting with energy and excitment. It's difficult to explain how I feel and I'm basically just too musy enjoying my time being happy to write about it. So I guess when I'm upset or feeling hurt I sit and wollow in it... I find the time to figure out exactly how I feel and get it down on paper... I'm in no hurry except for to stop feeling this way... But it's unfortunate because I would much prefer to have vivid images of the good times I've had. Instead I have the trouble wrapped in packages. Beautiful. Tragic. Thus is me. My life. How... Absurd.

The History of My Poetry

I have been writing since I was in Seventh Grade.

While I started off well and gradually put out some pretty good stuff here and there for the first four years I was inconsistent. I would more often than not put out what I not realise was angsty bullshit.

Late Sophomore Year I started to pick up speed, but Junior Year of High School is when I truly started to shine down. From there on it's been picking up nicely I'd say. In total it's been 8 years now.

If there is but one thing I wish I could bring back from my slower years it was my eagerness to write. I would write daily and frequently. I would write in my sleep almost. In bed I would keep paper and pencil near by just in case I thought of something that I of course thought was brilliant while attempting to go to sleep. I am unsure of the true count but so far I have read damn near 200 poems that I wrote just from Seventh Grade until My Junior Year ALONE.

I am certainly starting to get back into momentum, but not quite like I used to be. Difference being that I as an Angsty, Sad, and Borderline Depressed High School Teenager... I had no real friends... People I thought I would be friends with forever who now mostly I do not associate with at all. I rarely went out of my house. All I really did was write. Currently I am proud to say I HAVE A LIFE.

I started this blog to revert back into the Auther/Poet I once was and to gain more Introversion. I'm slowly closing off to the outside world. And I like it.

Useless Talent #1: Bad Good Luck

I have excellent luck! At helping other people...

I seem to bring everyone else good luck, but when it's my turn all my luck has run dry... I don't even do it on purpose. I can help someone win the lotto... I can make a guys car start... I can do so many things (or at least have the things that happen be thought to have been due to me) for other people, but when it comes to helping myself I'm all out of ideas...

I want to be successful... I can't get a job to save my life.
I want to be in a serious relationship... I can't find anyone who wants to seriously be with me.
I just want to be happy....

Happiness is escaping me... I blog daily now... I think too much and feel the need to write SOMETHING. Often making multiple entries... in a short period of time... like right now...

Is it so unusual to feel so alone? I feel out of place and disconnected... I need attention to feel like I'm not by myself. Day by day things get worse. Even though I never really had it for myself... I think my luck has run out.

10 Firsts in Relationships

1. Where was your first kiss?
On the lips? In the area between the Stairwell and the Gym/pool area in 8th Grade

2. What did you do on your first ever date?
My first Date with an Official Boyfriend:
- Went to a movie and saw Cry_Wolf together (My Junior Year of High School)
My first date with a guy who actually asked me out on an Official Date (because no one had ever actually asked me out before):
- Went to Palio's which is an Italian restaurant. I had never been there. It was a surprise. He wouldn't tell me where we were going. He paid for everything. That was also a first... Guy asking me out, picking me up in his car, and paying for everything. He ordered for me. He even held my hand and kissed me. He made all the moves. First time ever. This February 2009.

3. How old were you when you had your first SO?
Assuming SO stands for Significant Other I will say that officially I think Mikhail was my frist SO and that was Junior Year of High School

4. What was your first huge fight in a relationship over?
You know I'm really not sure. I can tell you the first one I remember was with Eric brooks. I can't tell you what it was about...

5. What did you do on your first Valentine's Day with an SO?
- We went out to dinner

6. How old were you when you first thought you were in love (if not yet - puppy love)?
- High School... this questionnaire is slowly becoming depressing...

7. When was the first time someone said they were in love with you?
Eric Brooks said he thought he was.

8. How long did your first relationship last?
First Official one lasted 5 months Unofficially and 4 months Officially.

9.Why did your first relationship end?
He screamed at me to get the fuck away from him and we stopped talking for a year and 3 months exactly when he then told me it was because he was an idiot who cared too much what his friends thought and they hated m so he had to get rid of me and that was the only way he could do it. Stupid.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight? (not exactly a first, but still a valid question)
I like to believe that anything is possible... But I can't say I know.

Insensitive

Something is wrong with me...

I have to be some kind of fucked up to be able to watch a woman be chased around by a serial killer who wants her baby... and be angry at her for being too much of an idiot to properly defend herself... and not much care that she gets her stomach cut open with scissors starting at her belly button and the woman takes her baby while she lays dead and gutted on the stairs...

At least I cringed for that part...

I watched two women get chased and hunted down... made fun of them for being idiots... and laughed while they died. Anyone seen Wolf Creek (Australian Horror)?

Granted these are just movies and the people did not really die. They're actors/actresses... But is it not wrong? What would I have done if it had been a real documentation found by someone and these things had really happened to these people? Would I still be allowed to laugh? Would I laugh? Money says I just might...

So am I wrong?

Am I wrong for thinking that given the thought that this is real I would be only angry that these woman are too fucking dumb to save themselves? Not caring that they got killed? Is it wrong that I laughed at the woman getting creamed by the buss in Final Destination? Or the lady throwing herself infront of a moving train in Hostel? Even the man commiting suicide at the very beginning of The Grudge made me giggle.

Why is death funny?

Am I being immature or am I just an asshole? Sadistic and twisted? Just plain bitchy? Whatever.... The bitch dropped the gun she found down a well. She pushed her car into a crater and didn't think to push the scary guys car in with hers. She shot him once and hit him in the back with the gun once she couldn't figure outhow to shoot it a second time.

First of all hit him in the fucking head. Bash his fucking head in if you're gonna beat him... He was way too big ad fucking fat fo the one hit in his back to really fuck him up. She missed and only shot his neck and only grazing the side. She knocked him out but he didn't die. She could have grabbed a different gun he had an arsenal right there in the room she shot him in. Bullets and everything everywhere. He was unconscious. Fuck this guy up.

Lesson number two. Going back for your friends gets your ass killed with them. Fuck my friends. You gotta be damn important for me to not leave your ass once someone starts picking us off. I can think of three people that I might stay with and they're all men. This is because I want to have their babies. I'm sorry. Fuck my friends. Survival of the fucking fittest. I'm not in any shape to help anyone. I don't even weigh 120 pounds. I can't fight if you paid me. I've seen a shot gun before but never shot it. I havn't seen any other type of gun in person. I can't handle a weapon. How the fuck am I gonna save anyone? I could likely barely get my ass out of there. I'd have to have a damn good plan to help anyone else.

So you see my problem... Personally I think it's about time I became a self-centered prick. but still. Horror movies? Step it up people.

So Sweet I Wanna Kick You In The Shins Until Candy Comes Out...

Men.

What a pleasent disaster you are.

You with your broad shoulders and deep voices.
You with your facial hair not out of place.
You with your strength and hidden emotions.
You with your double header way of thinking.
You with your dicks.

I have come to hate men though everyday I grow to love them more and more.

I have found myself crying myself to sleep over you.
I have found myself hating other women because of you.
I have found myself frustrated by you.
I have found myself missing you.
I have found myself wishing you would all just go die.

There are too many men.

How can I know what you want or how you feel if you do not communicate to me?
This means to me you do not want me. I believe if a man wants something he knows how to get it. If he does not know he will try and try to figure out the way. He will not ask for help though he may need it. However, he will not give up if he truly wants this thing. And sometimes if he starts to get desperate he will actually ask for help.

Do men every really give up that easily?

So why should I fight for your attention?
So why should I have to throw myself in your face to be noticed?
So why should I be the one trying so hard?
So why should I feel like no men truly want me...

Because no one is trying very hard for me...
All of the men just disappear...

I know I said there are too many men. Yes too many attractive men are around and I have a hard time keeping up. However, when it comes to the men who are attracted to me... in more than just a physical fuck my brains out way... Slim to none my friends.

Slim to none.

Wo Ai Ni

I never thought I'd have to come back to the part where I forgot how to love someone... The problem is this.

How do you love someone you're not sure how to love? How can you love someone you're not sure will return the feeling? Is love so different from hate? Love... is obsession? In a way... But really How do you love someone that doesn't want to be loved?

I guess the answer is you don't... But how can you just stop loving them? How do you know it is love? How do you know it is not longing? Well it is longing. But lovve sounds nicer. Maybe Love is the hope of what can break out? By saying it's love maybe it will become love. But that doesn't help the person that doesn't want it. Or what if you don't want it but it's happening....

I forgot... I forgot how to feel.
I don't know how I feel about anyone.
I have guesses and these guesses are not helpful in any way.
I'm confused and I can tell just be reading over this entry. I have no clue what I'm trying to say...

Silence

Breaking is what I do best. I confess that I make such a mess of myself
because I can't help but get back up.
I'm feeling the pressure this time. I'm confined to this space that I've saved
for myself just to give you some room.
I'm confused. See, I thought your intentions were different than most.
Not another joke. Not another reason to choke on my kindness. Enslaved.

Breaking free in this moment I thought I could capture it's golden rays of
triumph. But alas I must just continue to move on.
Stay strong. Maybe take a vacation far away to a place where my face is remembered.
I know that I'm winning this time. Head above water. Body submerged.
No more tests. Reassurance encouraged. Instant gratification.
A new revelation. Discovering me, myself, and who I've been lately.

I don't see me. Nothing clearly visible. Understanding nothing and feeling irrational.
Mirrors report no findings, but left behind me broken promises, and past reflections.
Empty words I find scattered across paper and screen lossing meaning...
Gaurded ideas, hidden thoughts, left over and rundown emotions.
Slowly fade in, stop static, get focused, relax and just. BREATHE.

I'm back.
© 2009

Bullshit and Band-Aids

Verse One:
There was a time
when I was innocent
and growing.

I spent my days and nights
in my own world
unknowing.

That soon my life
would take a fall.
Come closer to ending it all,
And all these days
I've wasted left
nothing for showing.

Chorus:
I'm holding on
to everything I
used to know now.

This time
I've gotta be strong.
For every part of me
will come to know how
I can't let things go.

Verse Two:
Then came a time
when I was broken
and unfolding.

I spent my nights and days
in darkness
slowly closing.

I had my life
against a wall.
One more step left to end it all,
And every day
was wasted fighting
through the mourning.

Chorus:
I'm holding on
to everything I
used to know now.

This time
I've gotta be strong.
For every part of me
will come to know how
I can't let things go.

Bridge:
It never was so simple.
I never was complex.
You thought you could see through me
and look on to the next.
Next victim. Your lamb.
I've seen you. I demand the truth.
No more bullshit and band-aids...

Verse Three:
This is the time
I take a stand
and stop pretending.

I spent my every
waking moment
understanding.

But now my life
is picking up.
Tonight your karma brings bad luck,
And all the days
that I've got left
are mine for owning.

Ending Chorus:
Cause I was holding on
to everything I
used to know now.

This time
I'm gonna be strong.
Now every part of me
has got to know...

I'm letting it all go.
Just... Go.
© 2009

Talent in Progress #1: Keeping my Distance

He's like a new John
Only this time... I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with him.
So far I only miss him sometimes.

Sometimes men are no good to be around. I just hate how they make me feel... even the good parts... because I know it always ends in the bad parts.
Nothing good can come of us.

I think I'm making a strong attempt to keep things in control here. After all I can't even see him.

I have a bad history of loving people who don't love me, liking those who don't like me, caring for those who don't care, and feeling for those who have no feelings left. I date assholes and broken rejects. I like the rejects better... The only problem with dating the rejects is that I got to them too late so they're already too beat up to care much anymore. I end up being the girl who was too good too late. Assholes just kind of disappear after our relationship evolves to the sex stage. Hit it a few times... Pretend that feelings have deepend... then vanish. Broken hearts I can't fix? Fine. Empty spaces with no answers left? Not ok.

I'm just no longer listening. No longer looking. Disconnecting... So I can be here but not really BE here. Maybe now I won't go out broken again.

"Do you remember when you told me.. 'I just.. cry... all the time...'?"

My uncle said this to me just after I had graduated High School... But I have no recollection of this conversation... though at times it starts to peak through.

I do, however, know that it was true. I often did nothing but cry... Most of it was crying myself to sleep... Most of it was because of the men that hurt me... Most of it was because I was always alone...

I'm not here for pity.

I'm here to tell the truth.

I wasn't the pretty girl.
I wasn't the smart one.
I wasn't the anything.
Except...

• The ugly one.
  
• The weird one.
• The (supposedly but not really because it was all their heads) creepy stalker one

First of all I can say I may have not been the most beautiful little girl growing up, though my mother may have made a point to try to convince me I was, but I certainly had feelings... I can also admit that yes I was in fact weird... I just never thought that being different was so unforgiving. But most importantly I can certainly say that I have never stalked anyone in my life. It just so happens that the two people that seriously without a hint of joking accused me of this... also happen to be idiots.

The first one simply accusing me of this.. based on what grounds I'm unsure... Because I was afraid to be anywhere near him. I talked about him and I suppose that is stalkerish... I happen to know where his home room is and who his homeroom teacher is.. but there were only four homerooms... and my homeroom was his homeroooms sort of buddy because we kind of... did that... buddy homeroom.. thing... I talked to his best friend plenty... because he was my friend too. But never when they were together. In fact I avoided him like the plague. Opposite of Stalking... in fact exact opposite I'd say. He left me a note in my locker saying that I was obsessed with him and I really need to stop because it creeps him out... I don't even know where his locker was, but he knew where mine was. I stalk him. Clever.

The other guy was ayear older than me and had developed a hangout spot that in turn ended up being right by my locker the year I joined High School. So because I visited my locker daily and often... and happen to notice him there each time... I am a stalker. I am THE stalker. Because searching for me for two days straight, asking me where I've been all week, trying to get my number and calling me everyday, telling me to call you and then asking me to write you a four page letter, and me doing as you ask makes me a total stalker.

I am obsessed.
Really.
I should get help.

People felt sorry for the guys I liked... because it was the worst thing to ever happen to a guy when I set my sights on them...

I got bored one night and because I had no friends back then I just called everyone that I knew. One guy picked up... One that I had liked for ages but have actually never told... This is a big thing for me... Anyway I called him and he answered. I of course said hello where he then replied Who is this? I told him that it was his worst nightmare and laughed. He then said "Oh, Hi Kiara... Why are you calling me?" I uh... told him I was bored and he proceeded to chuckle and tell me to never call him again.

You know I think that he took it rather well...

The second guy actually freaked out and hung up after I said I was his worst nightmare... Then his father called back to cuss me out... I was Ten...

I mean seriously... Twenty year old me says "What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously. What kind of guy are you that you can't take a joke and need your dad to come cuss out a ten year old? First of all, we're like the same age. Second, grow a pair. Honestly."

I was made fun of endlessly. First it was my teeth. I have or had an overbite. I think I still have it but I grew into it now... Then it was "I'm annoying", I was then told that I should go get with the smelliest kid in class who was only beneath me in the popularity chain because he was insane and creepy and absolutely no one would deal with him except for one kid who not even he liked.

Now I know it sounds harsh for me to talk poorly about other kids when I was always treated pretty shitty as well, but to be honest I'm not going to feel bad. They weren't any nicer to me back than than I was to them. The thing is I am not about to be stuck at the bottom where everyone hates me when I can say fuck you to the "nerd and geeks" and have SOMEONE respect me even a little. Because had I decided to try being friends with them they would have ditched me too and then I would be at the bottom. I learned that the hard way.

I realize how fucked up that sounds, but I don't know anyone that can truly deny doing the same at least once. If you think you can you're in denial. Period.

I gained true friends late... Charles reappeared in Seventh Grade. Colin was soemone I thought was my friend, but deep down he really wasn't until High School. I've pretty much lost them both since I graduated. To be honest with myself I'm not sure if I have any right now even... My best friend would hate me for sayign that and it would probably end our friendship... but that just goes to show how fragile it is which brings in the question... how true is our friendship if you can so easily end it simply because it was questioned?

Regardless I was a loser in many peoples eyes. But I found out the truth over four years of what I think everyone knows to be a growing period. At least.. that's what it should be I think. And that's what it was. For me.

I could die today... I could wish it....

But I could never truly want it...

It always seems like it would be so much easier than living...

This doesn't make it easier...

I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid of what will happen. Afraid to find out. Afraid it will be nothing...

I'm afraid of nothing...ness...

I am simply afraid
Afraid of...

• Being alone
• Dying
• Dying alone
• Not existing
• Not feeling
• Not seeing
• Being unaware

So I spend my time finding anything to do to not feel alone or be alone. I can't stand the dark though I love the night. If I cannot see I panic and I don't like feeling out of the loop. I want to know everything. I want to be aware of everything around me. See everything feel it all and know what is going on. Remedy? Maybe... I feel it is a placebo.

The King meets The King

If there is a God. I'm guessing Michael Jackson met him. I dunno if he went to Heaven or Hell if either exist. But I would imagen you get to meet God either way.

What I would like to know is... is it wrong that I just don't care that he died? I mean really. I never met the guy. He's famous. I got that. But I didn't know him. He technically made an impact on my life by inspiring artists that I love today. Other than that... whatever.

I admit I enjoyed some of his music, but does that mean I should be devistated that he's no longer alive? I dont' think so. People die everyday. I don't care about them either. He's just not... important to me. But is that wrong I wonder...

A Pleasent Surprise

Today came red and caught me off gaurd as I
hadn't slept. No, I hadn't dreamt.
Fingers glide over black and white keys clicking
click clicking. Race the clock project due date.
Manage a shower. Manage routine. Attempting
clear skin I saw only a year ago. I fly
out the door. Fly
down the highway. Fly
up the stairs racing. Printing. Panicing. Fly
into my seat. Time flies by.
My home swallows me back inside.
Bright screen. Curious message. And I smile.
© 2009

He said... and She said... Well, what the fuck did I just say?!

What a pleasent surprise that you've called me! Or at least it would have been if the other night had never happened... So instead of excited I'm just curious as to what you could possibly have to say to me now.

I'm sorry I'm a bt confused... Are you accusing ME of being deceitful and malicious enough to seriously just... ok ok wait. They said WHAT?

Ok Correction... They said that I said what?! Ok well I never said that. That's not what happened. No I wasn't scared of that... NO I DON'T.

Yeah... I'm sure...

Yes I'm sure.

I'M SURE.

What the fuck do you mean how do I KNOW. You know, I'm pretty damn sure I would know what I do and do not have better than your friends that I don't know. They have the story all wrong anyway. I'm the one who lived it.

So you think I'm a liar now.

Look I wouldn't have even layed in the bed with you if...

YES I'M FUCKING SURE.

NO but now I'm PISSED OFF.

Yeah sure Friday. I'll be there... Yeah yeah it'll be fun... Yeah we can hanggout... Yeah... I understand why you asked... but...

YES I'm SURE.

How about we try trusting the person who's body it is?

No I don't care if they're your friends and they're just looking out for you. They've known you for years They've known me for two days. I don't even know half their names. I know two people names. Ok Four now if I think about it. Maybe I could guess some more. I see them at your parties, but that doesn't mean now they know my life story.

Look this isn't gonna work out if you can't trut me. I mean I know this isn't going anywhere past the bedroom, but if trust doesn't happen on the way there then it's just gonna be a mistake between the sheets and you can't make your bed with that. So call me when your room is clean and if you think you can trust me then maybe I'll helpmove some furniture.

Yeah I know you can forget... that's easy for you. I still have to live with knowing that there are still people out there that I don't know who tell people they know me. I don't want to live life with my reputation built on endless lies. Even if character is all that truely matters... no one will want to find out my character if my reputation becomes that scarred...

Yeah.. sure... see you Wednesday. It'll be great...

I'm left thinking about how little I enjoy living in a town where all the people already "Know" who I am. So Today (Yes, today. It is, after all, 4:30ish in the morning.) later I wll send in my transcript and pray I get into this damn college so I can transfer with my little Liberal Arts Associates and leave all these people behind. Even the best one is nothing short of selfish... I'm about to start this over. Let's press play.

Reflections

How pathetic was I as an angsty teen, but NO LONGER! Now a troubled adult my issues revolve around similar areas, but I approach them differently. No longer crying at every turn... I have kept my eyes dry for the majority of my nights alone in my bed. Old dilemmas include "Why doesn't he like me" and convincing myself that one day HE will see me and realise I am all HE needs. Whoever HE was. Current events are as follows: Dilemma... am I the Player or the Mark? Perhaps both... I refuse to play the game with a man who is clearly JUST NOT THAT INTO ME and am currently coming to terms with myself. I know I can love me all night long regardless of if someone else wants to partake in my loving me time. You can love me too for the small price of 20 payments of $5.99! I just made me sound so cheap! $5.99! Do the math and I'm over a hundred dollars mother F-ck-r. In other words I have a new policy for my men. Work for me. Cause I am no longer making all the moves and I know that if you TRULY want me. You will work. Trust.

Mistaken?

Fifteen and the count is rising. Should I
sit back and watch the tide come in?
Am I making a mistake, or am I using the right bait?
Don't think that this is getting me
any closer to the ending I have dreamed from the beginning.
Is it over? Am I winning? Is there anyone around me
that can let my pride back in?
Or am I destined to sin? And will the next one be him?
And will he tell all his friends?
Or will the secret stay between the sheets and
will it ever end at the beginning?
Can I will myself to fill in?
Will he fill in once again or will he file in as the one set from the rest?
© 2009

Tolerance Level

When is enough, enough?
When it overflows your cup?
When it's always blowing up?
When you're feeling out of touch?
When you never seem to find the time
and nothing matters much?

When do you finally stand up?
After taking it blow after blow for so long
that you're not even sure if you know what's gone wrong
And all you can sing is the sadest of songs
of your longing for things to regrow.

When is enough too much?
When you're spiralling out of control?
When you're in it too deep to let go?
When the anger has turned into fear?
From tight fists to tight chest and short breathes.
When your eyes have cried every last tear?

When is the breaking point?
Can you feel it in your joints and bones?
You've over thrown your own defenses
for so long the tension's finally catching on
and now the cage is opened wide for what's inside.

When is it never enough?
When it's finally time to give up?
When you're left with an empty cup?
When words never amount to much?
When you never know how things will go
or if they can feel your touch?

When do you start to fall?
After realizing everything you've done wrong.
You're not even sure how things lasted so long.
And all you've just gone through has ended that song.
Now time passing allows for regrowth.
© 2009

Stoned

Nothing is forever. All that glitters isn't Gold.
Precious not the Pearl is. Nothing certain's ever told.
I am Emerald Green with Envy. Seeking Vengence Ruby Red.
His eyes were Sapphire Blue like every tear I've ever shed.
I saw through him Clear as Diamonds, and his heart was Onyx Black.
Turquoise afternoons I wasted wondering how to get him back.
He stole my Silver lining, and outshined my Opal heart.
Him as rare as Platinum records hit my bull'seye with his dart.
Amethysts to say I miss you Garnet kisses sent your way.
Crossing Aquamarine oceans praying that I never stray
from the Peridot fung shui of our plain as Topaz home.
Only you my Gem have ventured out to roam.
© 2009

What would you say?

There's this song by Trailer Choir that in part pays tribute to the Sago Mine workers that perished in an tragic accident. They knew they weren't going to live and left notes for their loved ones. The video on their site shows the notes written by the workers. It seems apparent that they were already running out of oxygen and couldn't write well. One part simply says "It wasn't bad. I just went to sleep. I love you"

The song asks:

in the lines on a page from the life that you made
could you write it with no regrets
would you know in yourself you gave somebody else
all the love that you had inside
right down to your last breath.

It's a haunting question... What would you say in that final moment, the final breath? How could you express it all?

Here's my first attempt:
"I love you all. I'll see you later. As long as you never forget me."

SHOOT ME!: BlackSunshine7's Bloody Valentine's Playlist

"The reason I titled this shoot me is because I really don't like the idea of piggybacking off of the ideas, but a list of songs or whatnot seems like a thing anyone can answer. And right now I'll give you the breakup songs I have on the list now.

I was trying to save this for Bloody Valentine's Day, which is AFTER Valentine's day, but...whatever. (sigh)"

1. Brendan Benson "Cold Hands Warm Heart": The reason I like this is because it is straightforward. The man is asking to break up with the girl for a while, because he just believes the relationship is going to fail miserably if hung onto too long. By the time you hear him sing "I hate to say it, but it's obvious/I'm telling you, girl, there's no future for us," I can imagine some people had to face hell trying to say this to their soon-to-be-former significant others.

2. Jesse Sykes and the Sweet Hereafter "LLL": The three L's are "like, love, and lust," where while reminiscing of better days, Jesse uses her smoky voice to describe the trouble with love and the feeling afterwards.

3. The Magnetic Fields "Yeah, Oh Yeah!": This track is simple, straightforward, lyric-wise, but just plain cruel, but that's what happens when you take a marriage too far. Someone is going to get hurt.

4. Mountain Goats "No Children": Sure, Magnetic Fields may not feel happy in the marriage, but John Darnielle just hopes for the worst. I know. You hear him say "I hope..." all through the song. Nonetheless, it gets the point across well.

5. Camera Obscura "Hey, Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken": This song is just immensely produced like a '60s girl group and fits well for someone who is alone and lamenting the failure of their other relationships on the way.

6. The Cliks "Oh Yeah": This song deals with Lucas Silveria's failing relationship simply, and the chorus is him trying to get things back to the way it used to be, and to no avail, either.

7. Super Furry Animals "Run Away": "Those who cry and run away/live to cry another day". Imagine the pain of realizing the end of a relationship, and a wish to be able to end it yourself. Now, apply it to song.

8. Magnetic Fields "Too Drunk To Dream": Poor Stephin Merritt. I can't ever imagine love that goes so wrong all he has to do to forget him is to get drunk. I guess that's how bad relationships attempt to hit you in the end.

9. Arab Strap "If There's No Hope For Us": This song is near quotable when it comes to the hardcore truth about an upcoming breakup, and Aidan Moffat isn't pulling any punches, either. "You say we'll still be friends, but we both know that we won't", "If there's no hope for us, then there's no hope for anyone/What chance can we have if even you and me just can't have fun?" "Girl: Got my bags there all packed, you know I need some time to think/Aidan: You just say what you think you'll need/I think we both might need a drink." It's cruel and brutally honest what comes out of his mouth, but the funny part is that its all true.

10. Head Automatica "Beating Heart Baby": I call this band the modern Beatles with venom. This song is all about the feeling of lust between two people who don't even desire each other. Yet, that being an ironic thought that those who don't get along, when having a thawed out relationship, can turn out to be nice lovers.

11. Chromeo "Needy Girl": "You're a needy girl/I can tell when I look in your big brown eyes/You want my world/But how can I do yours if I can't do mine?/I try to change/But sometimes I swear I don't feel the same/It's all about what you want, what you say, how you feel, how you play the game". I know someone around here can sympathize for Dave at some point.

12. Atmosphere "F**k You Lucy": The real Lucy in all of his songs just happens to be all of the things he doesn't or all the things he shouldn't want to like. Lucifer: Lucy Ford. Makes plenty of sense, I suppose. In this case, it DOES sound like an ex-girlfriend, and one that sounds more honest in a breakup rap tune than you'll ever know. "This garbage I like that these people seem to like/Is about you, and how I let you infect my life!" Whatever Lucy really is, you can be happy that Slug is rid of her now.

13. The Futureheads "Skip To the End": "If I could cheat, I would skip to the end, and decide if it's worth going through with/Skip to the last paragraph before we start/Is it a happy ending, or a broken heart?" Don't you wish you knew more about whether the love you have with somebody is even going to last? That should be a superpower.

14. Death Cab for Cutie "Title and Registration": Everybody knows at some point you can't have a breakup tune without the likes of Death Cab for Cutie, I don't care what indie snobs say. But the idea of being reminded of the old times in a relationship and a wish to simply shrug it off and move on is what I find both saddening, and, on Gibbard's part, hopeful.

15. Chromeo "RAGE": I'll say that any breakup song worth its salt gets right to the point about how they are feeling or why they are feeling it. But when's the last time a breakup song told you exactly how they felt about you doing something? Well, they don't do it like "Rage". Dave 1 makes sure his ex really gets the idea that he is in a state of rage, and just had to use the opportunity to vent.

16. The Flaming Lips "Maybe I'm Not the One": This was written for the movie The Heartbreak Kid, and the song is nothing but him saying that over and over to mock Spanish-flavored psychedelic tango, as if the love might be more than he can handle. It certainly is both catchy and satisfying, too.

17. Head Automatica "Scandulous": It's Daryl Palumbo from GlassJaw again. Apparently, this is going to be a breakup song to the dirtiest women who left him shaking his head and wondering why he even bothers finding love with them. And he does it in a soul-pop mixture that will make you envy his voice and pity his heart.

18. Tegan and Sara "Monday Monday Monday": I've heard plenty of Tegan and Sara songs, all of which has at SOME degree of anxiety or unhappiness. Mix the two and it sounds like a mourning for the relationship that will never surface back to good again.

19. Quarashi "Stun Gun": I admit that the only thing showing a breakup is the venomous second verse. But the deal was spit and shook when Tiny declared, "She's a flirty who plays dirty in this game/It's a shame that my ex wants to act this way/What a hag, man, what a bunch of crap to say, when I've been nothing but fair with you until THIS day". Right after that, Tiny really lets her have it, too. Can you believe it was one of the last singles before Quarashi broke up?

20. Pansy Division "Can't Make Love": Ever had problems trying to find guys to make love to and keep forever, only to find that nice guy just wants some booty?

21. The Wombats "Kill the Director": Cameron Diaz finally has a band to call her bluff. The Wombats hated The Holiday and wrote about it, all while making this that song about "a gender I'll never understand". Pay attention to this one.

22. Colin Meloy "We Both Go Down Together": The story goes like this. Boy meets girl. girl loves boy. Boy rapes girl. Girl plots cliff-related muder. Both of them plummet. Now, all of this to acoustics reminds you why you love Colin and his Decemberists projects.

"Well, that is my playlist. What about yours?"