"Do you remember when you told me.. 'I just.. cry... all the time...'?"

My uncle said this to me just after I had graduated High School... But I have no recollection of this conversation... though at times it starts to peak through.

I do, however, know that it was true. I often did nothing but cry... Most of it was crying myself to sleep... Most of it was because of the men that hurt me... Most of it was because I was always alone...

I'm not here for pity.

I'm here to tell the truth.

I wasn't the pretty girl.
I wasn't the smart one.
I wasn't the anything.
Except...

• The ugly one.
  
• The weird one.
• The (supposedly but not really because it was all their heads) creepy stalker one

First of all I can say I may have not been the most beautiful little girl growing up, though my mother may have made a point to try to convince me I was, but I certainly had feelings... I can also admit that yes I was in fact weird... I just never thought that being different was so unforgiving. But most importantly I can certainly say that I have never stalked anyone in my life. It just so happens that the two people that seriously without a hint of joking accused me of this... also happen to be idiots.

The first one simply accusing me of this.. based on what grounds I'm unsure... Because I was afraid to be anywhere near him. I talked about him and I suppose that is stalkerish... I happen to know where his home room is and who his homeroom teacher is.. but there were only four homerooms... and my homeroom was his homeroooms sort of buddy because we kind of... did that... buddy homeroom.. thing... I talked to his best friend plenty... because he was my friend too. But never when they were together. In fact I avoided him like the plague. Opposite of Stalking... in fact exact opposite I'd say. He left me a note in my locker saying that I was obsessed with him and I really need to stop because it creeps him out... I don't even know where his locker was, but he knew where mine was. I stalk him. Clever.

The other guy was ayear older than me and had developed a hangout spot that in turn ended up being right by my locker the year I joined High School. So because I visited my locker daily and often... and happen to notice him there each time... I am a stalker. I am THE stalker. Because searching for me for two days straight, asking me where I've been all week, trying to get my number and calling me everyday, telling me to call you and then asking me to write you a four page letter, and me doing as you ask makes me a total stalker.

I am obsessed.
Really.
I should get help.

People felt sorry for the guys I liked... because it was the worst thing to ever happen to a guy when I set my sights on them...

I got bored one night and because I had no friends back then I just called everyone that I knew. One guy picked up... One that I had liked for ages but have actually never told... This is a big thing for me... Anyway I called him and he answered. I of course said hello where he then replied Who is this? I told him that it was his worst nightmare and laughed. He then said "Oh, Hi Kiara... Why are you calling me?" I uh... told him I was bored and he proceeded to chuckle and tell me to never call him again.

You know I think that he took it rather well...

The second guy actually freaked out and hung up after I said I was his worst nightmare... Then his father called back to cuss me out... I was Ten...

I mean seriously... Twenty year old me says "What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously. What kind of guy are you that you can't take a joke and need your dad to come cuss out a ten year old? First of all, we're like the same age. Second, grow a pair. Honestly."

I was made fun of endlessly. First it was my teeth. I have or had an overbite. I think I still have it but I grew into it now... Then it was "I'm annoying", I was then told that I should go get with the smelliest kid in class who was only beneath me in the popularity chain because he was insane and creepy and absolutely no one would deal with him except for one kid who not even he liked.

Now I know it sounds harsh for me to talk poorly about other kids when I was always treated pretty shitty as well, but to be honest I'm not going to feel bad. They weren't any nicer to me back than than I was to them. The thing is I am not about to be stuck at the bottom where everyone hates me when I can say fuck you to the "nerd and geeks" and have SOMEONE respect me even a little. Because had I decided to try being friends with them they would have ditched me too and then I would be at the bottom. I learned that the hard way.

I realize how fucked up that sounds, but I don't know anyone that can truly deny doing the same at least once. If you think you can you're in denial. Period.

I gained true friends late... Charles reappeared in Seventh Grade. Colin was soemone I thought was my friend, but deep down he really wasn't until High School. I've pretty much lost them both since I graduated. To be honest with myself I'm not sure if I have any right now even... My best friend would hate me for sayign that and it would probably end our friendship... but that just goes to show how fragile it is which brings in the question... how true is our friendship if you can so easily end it simply because it was questioned?

Regardless I was a loser in many peoples eyes. But I found out the truth over four years of what I think everyone knows to be a growing period. At least.. that's what it should be I think. And that's what it was. For me.