Monday, February 27, 2006

I'm getting Sick of this.

Current mood: infuriated
Category: Life


"Before I go into this, I just want to make one thing clear. I have no problems with homosexuals, anyone who isn't caucasian, nor with females.

Now that that is out of the way, I think I can begin safely.

We all know, we have black history month, latin heritage month, I'm sure there's more, but, I haven't heard about it on TV. I haven't read it in the newspaper. We have affirmative action. NAACP. We have gay pride parades.
There is women's day. So where is my male caucasian heterosexual pride day?

I forgot. Can't do it. IT'd be racist, and sexist and homophobic. Why? To be honest, the way I see things, straight caucasian males now get treated like shit basically. I have to suffer for what my ancestors did? Fuck that.

If my grandfather beat up a bunch of homosexuals, is it my fault? Hell no. Do I care? Nope. Not really. But if I were to suddenly have pride in my heterosexuality, someone would go ballistic on my ass for wanting to have a parade for something that for the most part, is the status quo.

What if my great great great grandmother owned a plantation in the south, and had slaves? Does that mean I'm responsible for what my ancestors did? Nope, not one damn bit. Do I care? Nahh, it's over. We read all about it in history books in school. Do we really need a month for discussing all the things african americans did? What hispanic American's did? Nope. Do we need affirmative action? Definitely no. Everyone flaunts the ''equal rights" flag for those times. I say, no. You want special treatment and to acknowledge the fact your race had hard times in the past. I've got news for ya though, everyone's had some hard times way back in their ancestry. Plagues throughout Europes, serfdom to feudal lords. Pfft, my ancestors had it no better then anyone else's. You want equal rights? Get rid of these ridiculous pride months and day's and affirmative action and the NAACP, make everything the way it SHOULD be. Equal.

And last but not least, females. Yes, ok, they potentially have the most cause to gripe but, cmon. You can't want equality, and then demand special treatment still. It's bullshit.

So people, if women can have their own pride day, homosexuals get to march in parades, and every other race can have months to celebrate their triumph into ''equality'', why can't I have pride in my male caucasian heterosexuality without being shunned?"
- Some Dumb White Guy

Yeah I'm black. Yeah I'm a girl. No I'm not A lesbian nor am I Bi but Yes I'm gonna say it.

Shut up. Please and Thanks. I see where you're coming from. I understand. But I still disagree. Would you like to know why? No? Too bad.

Stereotypically I'm not black because I don't "act black" enough. I don't fit in with the "black" crowed at school. Almost all my friends are white and asain and sometimes there are a few latinos. Very few like only 5 at the most are black and most of them arn't even totally black they're like half white or half asian. We've all had this conversation. We all agree. The reason why white people don't get "Special" holidays is because It's white history YEAR every year and you have presidents day and Christmas (Which no matter how you try to deny it is a white holiday) You have the fourth of july (white independence day) Everyone who goes to school in america is required to learn white peoples history to graduate highschool. We don't get a month off for black history we get a day off for some dead guys birthday and all the rest of our little mini vacations are because of some random white person (even though Jesus damn sure isn't white but he might as well be since you won't let him be any other color) we don't get anything off for latinos or asians or gay people. Also nothing bad has happend to the white people. Oh I'm sorry I take that back the girls were beat by their hubbies and raped and blah. First of all did you see what they wore? If I was a guyand lived back then I'd have seen that as a "Fuck me I'm an easy whore" type of outfit and besides as soon as some white guy hits them and bruises them all up they clean up real quick and then run out and tell everyone it was a black man so some random black guy gets killed and that's the end of that. Black people, Gay people, Women, Asians, Jews, and Latino's and Mexican's (Dunno what the difference there is but apparently there is one) have all been abused, opressed, and ridiculed. Not white people and deffinetly not white heterosexual males.

You already have your little holiday. Stop being greedy. No you shouldn't have to pay for what your ancestors did. No one says you do. Black history month is not "Make all the crackers pay for what they did to us" Month. Womens Day is not "Lets castrate all the guys because they suck" Day. The gay pride parades arn't trying to put down straight people.

If you want to have something be special then why don't you try going through hard times first. I suggest you try gathering a whole bunch of Male Caucasian Heterosexuals and chain them up and put them on a boat with so little room that they piss and shit on eachother and get sick and can't move and have to lay next to a corpse. Ship them off to some strange new world. Make them work for nothing and beat them when they don't do it good enough or fast enough or for really no reason. Lynch a few of them for the hell of it (That would be for black people). Then you can beat them and ass rape them and then lie about it so one of them gets killed for it (There goes the women). Then you can make them work in sweatshops for nothing (Asians). Then you can put them in concentration camps and experiment on them and then gas them (Jews). When your done with all that however many of you survive can have your damn holiday.

I don't mean to sound racist but seriously white people. Stop your bitchin'. I hate black history month. I didn't even know there was a womens day. Seriously who cares. They're a joke anyway. Do you want to have your history turned into a joke? Or more than what it already is. Black history month is a joke. It's pathetic. We pretend to care and talk about how terrible it was for a month and then for the rest of the year you can just go on like it never even happend. On silence day you take a moment to be nice to the gay boy who has a crush on you and all your friends just so the next day you can go back to calling him a fag and making fun of him. It's a joke. It's pathetic. It just makes who ever it's celebrating look dumb for the rest of the year.

I swear if I see one more topic about "Why can't we have a white history month?" or "Why can't we say the 'N' word?" I'm gonna scream. I wish I could be there to choke the people who make these posts. How about we just get rid of the pride parades and history months and make it required that you take classes to teach about slavery and the holocost and all the crazy wars and stuff since US History class never wants to go in depth on those things. How about we stop hating gay people and black people and women and jews and blah blah blah. No body hates white people (Except for the black people... and not all of us really hate white people).

If I had my way we would just pretend like none of this ever happend stop hating eachother and we wouldn't need all these stupid holidays.

You can't have a white male straight pride day. That's just as rediculus as everthing else we do to "make up" for what old dead stupid people did. Kill the holidays. Kill the pride parades. Just be proud to be yourself and if you really want you can have your own little holiday in your own little world.

In conclusion. I don't think anyone (Male, Female, Black, White, Yellow, Red, Blue, Green, whatever you wanna call yourself) needs a pride day. Be proud of yourself everyday. If you want a holiday that's what your birthday is for. The only reason we got these holidays is because the "Male Caucasian Heterosexuals" wanted to make up for what their bonehead ancestors did years ago. If you just look at that you should realize you really don't deserve a holiday because you didn't go through anything to earn it. But that's not my point really. Instead of looking at what happend in the past and trying to make up for it we should look at it, reflect for a second, learn from it, and move on. It doesn't take a month out of every year or some stupid two-bit holiday to do that. Instead of making up for it it just turns it into a big stupid joke. No one (Not even most black people) even cares about Black history month and MLK day is just another day we get to miss school. Most women are unaware that womens day exists. These little holidays and such are annoying and pointless. You want your equality then get rid of them all. I'm not trying to bash your pride or steal your rights or give others special rights when I say you you can't have your day. I'm saying that everyones little day is pathetic if you feel you need a month dedicated to your kind to make you feel special.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Fake It 'Til You Make It [Inspiration from John in Washington.]

Current mood: blah
Category: Writing and Poetry


"It's how we all feel when we lose control and our world takes one more hit."

Do you wake up and just feel dead?
As thoughts are running through my head
I wanna give up every second that I've wasted feeling.
For every night I think of you
I only miss you more it's true.
It burns so deep inside of me I try but can't ignore this
feeling welling up within.
It's sinking deep into my skin.
I'm running out and time is wearing thin.

Life is truly what you make it.
Save your heart from those who'll break it.
Everyone you have forsaken.
Every life that has been taken.
Give it all away to live
for maybe one more day.
Until you're screaming "I can't take it!"
Gotta fake it 'til you make it.

I need a blue sky to look up to,
or something that'll get me through
this fucking nightmare. I can't stand to see you smile.
I paint the picture black and gray.
My silhouette will fade away.
I'm lying to myself just so I can make it through the day
I tried too hard to tell you how I
feel when I'm without you, how I
cry myself to sleep. I'm breaking up inside.

Life is truly what you make it.
Save your heart from those who'll break it.
Everyone you have forsaken.
Every life that has been taken.
Give it all away to live
for maybe one more day.
Until you're screaming "I can't take it!"
Gotta fake it 'til you make it.

So what do you do to get rid of the apathy?
When your life turns from comic to tragedy
to drown in a bottle won't release you,
but it will confuse. You see nothing clearly.
Although feeling quite weary in that
simple state of toxicity, everything makes sense.
We're living through this hell on Earth,
but some of us have found that life is worth
it. So maybe if we try it's nice to tell a little lie
to make a spark light up inside and
give ourselves just one more night.

I wear masks as an extension of myself.
Should I add to this army of delusion?
Emotions, can they be controlled?
Distance seperates all from me.
Tear down the wall. You should do as you please,
Love as you will. I crave it but when it comes my way
I cower before it.
I want to change.
Yet everytime I try I feel more isolated.
I want to be loved.
Yet everytime I'm with someone I feel much more neglected.

I just can't stop this feeling.
I know it doesn't show, but it is so.
Every attempt always makes it worse. So why cause more pain?
I find my self blocking the very path which I must take.

Life is truly what you make it.
Save your heart from those who'll break it.
Everyone you have forsaken.
Every life that has been taken.
Give it all away to live
for maybe one more day.
Until you're screaming "I can't take it!"
Gotta fake it 'til you make it.
© 2006

Rant on bitches. Rant on.

Current mood: depressed
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

1. I hate History.
2. I hate Boys.
3. I hate people who are so blinded by love that when you try to warn them they don't listen.
4. I hate that I feel like I am one of those people.
5. I hate stupid white girls no matter how racist it sounds. I don't hate them all just the dumb ones Who think they can have whatever they want, who know how to use people to get it, who are fake, who complain about stupid things like "I wanted a diamond necklace not a pearl one" or "Daddy won't let me hangout on saturday because I hungout all this week so far even on school nights. But, I have to go saturday because it's just so important that I get what I want" or the classic "Golly gosh I just don't know which boy to go to the dance with it's so hard to decide", Who know they're beautiful, but say they're not to get attention or just to hear some guy tell them, who know they're anorexic skinny, but want some guy to tell them they are beautiful so they say "I'm so fat and ugly" just to hear it.
6. I hate the guys who fall for it and ignore the girl who not only actually likes them but wouldn't mess with their head like that and would do anything for them and never hurt them.
7. I hate how guys complain that "I can't believe she did this to me" when it was obvious and everyone else told them everyday to get out but he wouldn't listen.
8. I hate the stupid black people no matter how racist it sounds. I don't hate them all just the dumb ones.
9. I hate the guys who think that talking all slurred and sagging down to their knees and skipping class and smoking and drinking is cool and if they actually go to class they sit in the very back and either disrupt class or go to sleep. They talk about every girl they've fucked and about how big their dick is and saying "Nigga" and sit in the back of the bus making a lot of noise calling all girls "Bitches" and "Hoes" and talking about girls like sex is all they're good for and always talking about "Pussy" and acting all "Hard" and "Gangster" like they're so damn tough. Mother fucker you were born and raised in Ann Arbor, Michigan! There are no damn gangs! You are not "Street" or "Gully" or anywhere remotely close to a "Thug gangsta"! You probably have never stabbed anyone in your life and have never even seen let alone touched an "Oozie". You simply feed into the stereotypes of the modern day black man. You are a tool. I hope you rot in jail. I dare you to sag your pants and drop that soap. You will be somebodies bitch and there will be no pussy in sight for the next 30 years you pathetic wannabe thug, highschool drop out, tryin to be a gangsta in college bitch!
10. I hate the girls who are so damn loud, get in fights like the boys, act catty as hell, pull eachothers weave, earings, nose rings, and even real hair out ripping eachothers cloths off. They have the nerve to cuss a teacher out for no reason and start singing in the middle of class when they can't even sing but they sing like they're good at it. They act like they're all that and a bag of fucking chips. Well, you're not! You're not even half the damn chip! You're just like everyone else expects you to be. A loud ignorant black girl who is good at dancing, sometimes singing, and usually sex too since most of you arn't virgins. Just another stereotype. I hope you never figure out who your "Baby's daddy" is. Go ahead and go on all those stupid talk shows and get the DNA tests. Make a fool of yourself on television and get a tape to remember it by. You'll either turn to drugs and be a terrible mother or you'll work nights as a stripper while your baby stays at a friends house or your mom's.
11. Now for the Asains. I'm not doing groups since stereotypically you all look the same, but I will point out a few things specifically. First of all I love asians. But, everytime I try to defend the rare negative stereotype (since you get all the good ones you bastards) you fucking go and prove it's true! For example: Koreans can't drive for shit. Now I hate it when people say that. But of course when my uncle says "Look at this idiot driving like a retard I bet they're you know what" and everytime I say "how do you even know" he says "Look" and I do and damnit there you are at the wheel. Another example of a stereotype gone wrong. My god you even fuck up the good ones! All asians are smart.... -_- you need to check that shit because there are a few of you (and I do mean A FEW) that were a little too curious on your quest to be a fucking genius because you just had to eat a few apples off the stupid tree! Here's my suggestion. Put down your instrument, stop making PSP's, quit school, buy some of those little blue pills and a few penis enlargers, go get a beer and eat a few more retard apples and work on that beer belly, watch nothing but sports all day, have lots of sex, and learn how to drive and for the girls all you have to do is wear little to no clothes and a lot of makeup and become a complete and total slut-skank. Not only will you beat the stereotypes of being asain but you'll become a true american like the rest of us.
12. I hate girls who lose their virginity because they didn't want to make him mad or they didn't want him to dump them or they didn't want to ruin the moment. Especially if you did it when you were drunk off your ass. YOU-ARE-A-WHORE plain and simple. You have no confidence or self worth and you must have forgotten how to say the letters N and O together. Sorry love. You might wanna go get tested and pray you're not pregnent. Now if you said no and he did it anyway or if he threatened you then it's not your fault he needs to go die from Ghonneherpisyphalaids and I hope you're ok because that's totally uncool.
13. I hate guys who only want sex. that's not what life is all about. One day you'll be old and nasty and no one is going to just have random sex with you anymore and you will feel lonely and you will want someone to hold at night and you could've had that a long time ago when you were using people for sex. It only gets harder as you get older. Well actually that might not get hard when you want it to...
14. I hate people who have affairs or cheat on their Sig. Other. What in hell would you do that for?! If you love someone you shouldn't do something you know good and well will hurt them if they find out. If you don't think about it before you do it you don't really love them. If it happens have the guts to tell them and own up to your mistakes. Understand they may hate you for it and they may leave you but that's your fault. If they forgive you know they are still hurt and you better work hard to keep them and never do it again. If you want to get with someone else while you're with someone either dump them and go for it or stay with them and keep it thought oriented only. Make a choice. Decide who you want more. Decide whether or not you're willing to lose that person you're with. Cheaters are pathetic as far as I'm concerned not only do you have no self respect but you care only about yourself and concidering what you do you don't seem to care about yourself much either.
15. I'm sick of everyone who thinks that their problem is more important than anyone elses, who act like no ones life is worse than theirs. My life sucks, but I know it could be worse. My issues are pretty bad but there are worse that I don't have to deal with.
16. I hate how people seem to think that they can only focus on how one person feels.
17. I hate that everytime I want to just scream "I want out!" There's someone there to do it first.
18. I hate how my problem coinsides with everyone elses problems.
19. I hate how I constantly put my feelings aside for my friends.
20. I hate how every material thing I want I get and how everything that's worth living for, everything that is priceless, everything that you're supposed to hold at the highest level of importance, everything completly unsuperficial is out of my reach.
21. I hate how I feel that I've become everything I hate and love.
22. I hate how I feel like I know nothing and everything at the same time as far as whats worth knowing.
23. I hate how I'm so afriad to hurt people yet I do it everyday most of the time without even trying.
24. I hate how My emotions control my actions.
25. I hate how I can't do anything to change.
26. I hate how I feel... completly empty, usless, helpless, pathetic, and alone.
27. I hate the world, and I hate me.

There's only one answer for how to stop the pain. I have to die. But of course I'm also afraid of that So there's nothing I can do. I'm a puppet. I can't do anything I want to. I control myself and yet I can't cut the strings because I'm a fucking pussy. I'm afraid of everything. I can't do anything because I think too much. I can't kill myself because I don't know how it'll be and I'm afraid to find out. I can't trash my room in a rage because my dad would kill me and for some reason I care about that. I can't stop caring no matter how hard I try because I always thinking "What if..." What if I'll be happy one day? What if it'll all go away? What if I'll get what I want? Maybe everyone who was an ass before will be punished later in life. Life is taking it's sweet ass time. That's another thing. I'm impatient plus I'm sick of people saying that "Life goes on and everyone has to deal with it. Why sould you get special treatment?" I didn't fucking ask for special treatment. Most of the time people who say that are happy with their life at the moment so they can't relate at the time and it doesn't help me much. The one thing I've always wanted since fucking Kindergarten is Love, and I don't mean that shit your family gives you. As far as I'm concerned they are your family so it tends to be a given that they "Love" you and if they don't then that sucks but they're just family to me. I've had family love all my life it's nothing new and sorry but I don't feel it's all that special. When someone outside of my family that I feel a connection with can show me Love unconditional and true I'm afraid I may die from pure joy. Life is supposed to be a give take type of thing. I feel as though I give more than I get. So either I need to find people who will give as much as I do or I need to stop giving so much. I've tried both and neither work so far. That's the most important thing to me. Love is what I think life is worth living for. Sometimes I get it for a bit, but it's like it's taken away as soon as it feels right. As soon as I think "So this is what it feels like for someone to love you back" they change their mind. Every fucking time like I wasn't who they thought I was, but I've always been the same person. I guess they just opened their eyes one day... and sometimes... sometimes I open mine...


Currently listening:
Hot Fuss
By The Killers
Release date: 16 August, 2005
PAST COMMENTS
I'm at the library and my other user that I never go on unless I'm not at my house wouldn't log on, so I made another user. It wouldn't log on so now it sucks and I can't get on AIM. Waa, talk to you at my house. Byes
Posted by
NATE ZUELLIG on Wednesday, February 22, 2006 - 6:28 PM

*hugs*
Posted by NATE ZUELLIG
on Thursday, February 23, 2006 - 9:24 PM

The Gamer's Pledge

Current mood: tired
Category: Games



I Pledge Allegiance
To the King of Frags
And His Mighty State of Hysteria
Where in This Republic
The Wicked Stand
All Players, with God Mode
Are Invincible
With Weapons and Ammo for All.

- The Gamer's Pledge

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Fuck Drunks Be A Stoner!

Current mood: bored
Category: Friends



A Drunk Would...
A Stoner Would...
Driving under the influence
Drive fast and recklessly crashing
into a caravan of carriages and killing
dozens of babies and young mothers.
Drive fast and recklessly setting
a new high score on Mario Kart.
In a Stairwell
Fall down the stairs and lay at the
bottom moaning until the janitor woke
him the next morning by dipping his
head in the mop bucket.
Stand there wondering
why the escalator was broken.
Eating out
Go to Taco Bell and vomit on the floor.
Go to Taco Bell and eat a half pound burrito,
3 chalupas, 2 steak quesadillas,
a zesty border bowl and
an order of cinnamon twisties.
Then have a long and insightful conversation
with the Chihuahua before proceeding
to also vomit on the floor.
(Okay, so this one's a toss up, but at least
the stoner is supporting the local economy.)
With A Guitar
Butcher the chords and mutter incoherent
profanities that would have Korean
karaoke singers covering their ears.
Compose classic songs and timeless hits.
If you don't believe me, just check the facts.
Every great songwriter is a stoner.
It's a fact. I read it in a thesaurus.
At a party
Dance on your table,
spill a drink in your kitchen,
pee on your lawn ornaments,
break ALL your lamps and just
generally trash your humble little living space.
Sit on your couch and be thankful
you were gracious enough to
put out some chips and dip
while staring at the ceiling and commenting
on its white, tundra-esque flatness
If you bump into one at a party
Punch you in the face and push you over
while his drunk buddies kicked you to death
as you lay crying on the rancid,
soggy carpet of the frat house.
Look at you startled and say, "Woah, man.
What goes bump in the night?"
And then answer his own question, "You do!"
His stoner buddies would chime in, "All riiight."
After a party
Never last until after the party.
Help clean up and, if he was smart,
steal all the wallets of the passed out drunks.
Sleeping if they couldn't find a bed

Make a big fuss about it but
end up passing out on the bathmat anyway.
Not mind. He'd be perfectly content
to build a lovely, little cocoon
of twigs and leaves
and curl up in that for the night.
Waking up the next morning
Be wet with several different liquids
including urine (his and others),
beer, saliva (again, his and others)
and muddy water from his roommate's ficus,
which he spent the night sleeping next to.
The drunk never wants to see alcohol again,
but he knows he will.
Be rested, refreshed
and ready to smoke again!
You see the stoner is nothing to worry about. He?s a cute cuddly creature, like a little puppy with mangy fur and worms who just happens to be interested in what other people?s anuses smell like. So, go ahead, let him sniff. I promise he?ll do you no harm.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Sex Sex Sex

Current mood: crazy
Category: Romance and Relationships


16 is the age of concent in Michigan which is where I live. I'm not surprised at how young people do it I just don't understand it. I don't think they get it. It's not all fun and games. It's quite serious. It feels great I'm sure (atleast it's supposed to), but it's not something to play with until you're mature enough to handle it. People like to grow up too fast. The fact that they start so yound they do stupid things like not wear a condom or they get drunk because they think it's cool and then they don't remember what they did but next thing you know here comes little billy and mommy's only 13 years old. Plus it probably does put them at higher risk for STD's because they're foolish. You would think they would be smart enough to get tested. I don't think you need parental consent to do that. Peer pressure is a dumb excuse. It's your body and your emotions you can control them. If others want to ridicule you for making a wise decision then they can go get pregnant and die from AID's all they want but atleast you stood your ground. I'd rather die like a man (or women in this case) than live like a coward. I will hide my tears before I hide my dignity.
PAST COMMENTS
I agree with you on this. It should be taken seriously and only done with someone you trust and care for completely.
Posted by
@~@ K @~@ on Tuesday, February 14, 2006 - 11:01 PM

Sunday, February 12, 2006

J.D. (Still here within me)

Current mood: aggravated
Category: Friends


"So... since very few of my female friends are Christian and the ones that are aren't really interesting/interested in me, I just figure it's best to close down and shut out any feelings I have. Why does it matter? It's part of being a Christian. It's against our beliefs to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe as we do. See, that's the thing. Most people think being a "Christian" is going to church and singing songs and listening to a pastor. Which isn't it. A person can pray every day, go to church four times a week, sing the songs, read their Bible every day and do nice things for people, and not be a Christian."
-J.D.

It doesn't make sense it's like adding more rules to an already complicated game to the point where it makes it impossible to win.

"Ah but it's not about rules of what you do and don't do, it's who you are and what you believe. It's where your faith and heart are. Being a Christian is about having a relationship with Christ. Not about going to church. Not about being a good person. Though those are things you'll want to do because you'll want to be closer to Jesus."
-J.D.

It shouldn't mean you have to rule out dating everyone who doesn't do that same. Arn't you supposed to be understanding and excepting just as your lord and savior is. Even if they don't practice the same faith they are still a child of God. My relationship with God is about the same as it is with my actual Daddy. We don't talk much unless I really need his help. Just because I don't talk to him as much as you might doesn't mean i don't see what he's done for me.

I guess I'll never understand and I don't plan on changeing the way i am as far as that goes so I guess I'll never be good enough for you either. If religion and faith weren't a part of it you wouldn't be like this. What made you hate people so much

"They're worthless. Constantly feeding off of everyone else and giving little back. There are very few people in this world that are consciencious of other people's wants and needs and aren't out there just to get to the top. Those are the people that get hurt and walked on because they don't feel the need to treat others that way. And if you're wondering, yes, this is against everything I believe in. I have issues to change in my own heart as it is."
-J.D.

And if you hate people so much then why did you decide to talk to me again. Am I not one who gets hurt and walked on? Am I not worthless?

"Answer me this, why should I explain myself to you? What really gives you the right to know why I do what I do?"
-J.D.

I don't have the right exactly I'm asking because I don't understand and I want to know and because I care and because I still love you after 1 and a half years after you cast me aside because I wasn't what you thought I was because I thought you loved me and because of one small thing you forgot to ask earlier changed everything you ever felt for me and left me stranded but I still care and you came back so why don't you care anymore? Why did you come back? to haunt me? to tease me and show me what I lost and what i still can't have? And if you hate people you must hate me too so why are you here. I don't understand.

"I hate people who don't return what they've been given. You, yourself, care. And you've been walked on, obviously. You're not one of those worthless people I spoke of. I came back... out of curiosity I suppose. Or at least the chance to mend old wounds, but I never foresaw this coming up again."
-J.D.

Curiosity killed this cat a long time ago. I'm dropping this. I don't want to be angry anymore. I just wish I could've changed. I still wish I could but I can't because I'd be lying to myself and to you. I can't do that. So I guess if you'll let me all I'll ever be is a friend.

I've tried everyday to stop wishing and hoping.
I shouldn't be praying if I don't believe.
I'll never be answerd if I am a heathen.
I'll never know truth if I only decieve.
© 2006

I'm slipping. I stopped caring. I care but not enough.

"Hey, you can't hurt if you can't feel."
-J.D.

I wish I could stop feeling. I'm in constant pain everyday. Sometimes it even becomes physical. I've changed too and too much has happend. I went from being a no one to being noticed but not completely in a good way.

Rumors and constant contriversy.
Lies and truths will both decieve.
Everything you know or hear
about me don't believe.
© 2006

I don't care enough to change what you think of me. Or anyone else for that matter. If you don't like it that sucks it's how I am. I can't even change for myself so why try for others. So what would be the point in lying. People I like don't care and People I don't like care too much. When I say like I mean in "that way". Though I suppose they feel that way about me too. The people I like I'm sure think I care too much (Probably... -J.D.) and the people i don't like i'm sure think i don't care.

"Got all the fans you could never want, huh?"
-J.D.

"I guess what goes around comes around, but feh, no use worrying about it, right?"
-J.D.
I wouldn't mind so much if one of them wasn't 13 and then there's the creepy old men who liked the picture of my ass on myspace friggin 32 years old and 29 year old from japan... (:-X That's just gross. -J.D.)
"You do have a nice ass though..."
-J.D.
Apparently. (J.D. *laughs*) Losing friends, questioning friendships, hating myself, wanting to be something I can't, trying to change, but i don't have the resources or the motivation. Giving up slowly, awaiting the inevitable and fearing it more than ever, growing weak and paranoid.
"And what's the inevitable?"
-J.D.

Death.

"Death is only the beginning."
-J.D.

For most. All I see is nothingness. A pitiful existence, but an existence nonetheless.

"Death is something I embrace. I look forward to it. Not because of religion or that... But mostly a refelction of why I wear so much black."
-J.D.
Hm. I fear it. (Why? Do you fear the unknown? What might be come? - J.D.) Exactly. I'd rather burn in hell than die and become truly dead to the world.
"Hell really is death to the world."
-J.D.
All I can do is hope that there is a heaven and hell since as far as i'm concerned it's impossible to tell. What if it's all a lie and there's nothing after this. I don't want to be nothing
"It's better to believe something than nothing at all and be set in wonder."
-J.D.
I want to be alive I want to live and feel every pain known to man even though it'll hurt it's better than nothingness. I guess if you believe and it's all a lie you'll never know, but I don't want to end up living a lie. I have to go soon but I'll be back and then you can send the pictures and the video. And i'll send you the video.

"Oh cool, thanks Kiara. Though it seems that you need to decide what exactly you believe in."
-J.D.
I'm good with neutral. I don't think anyone should rule out the possibilities, so I'll keep them all in mind and hope for the best.

"That's definitely nothing I'd enjoy... Too much uncertainty. (Yeah that's the only part that sucks) But if it works for you... You'll be all right."
-J.D.

I hope so. For me I guess it's a fear of losing everything. Everything I never really had.

"There's nothing you can take after death."
-J.D.
I know. We really have to change the subject though. If I think about it too much I'll freak myself out. I'm already close to tears. When I'm ready the whole world takes its time and when I take my time the whole world passes me by.

John... J.D.

Current mood: blah
Category: Writing and Poetry
No matter how hard we try
life will take us all and grind us up
and send us away into the dark abyss
where we will wander through the nothingness
until death catches up with us.
No matter how hard I tried
I couldn't follow your faith.
No matter how hard I tried I'm afraid.
I'm afriad of death and lonelyness.
I'm afraid of the darkness of the abyss.
When death takes it's toll and there's nothing left
I just hope I passed the test.
It was over before it began.
© 2006

"People are evil! Not most but all! I shun them. From reality and life! I will no longer live as they! They sent me into the crimson. From my unholy cathedrall I spot three stars. And for my life, I watch them. They drip red. Blood. My blood. They float where all can see that all can bleed and feel pain. This is their fate. Their lives are of little consequence to me."
- J.D.

Friday, February 10, 2006

I'm Afraid to Die Alone

Current mood: scared
Category: Religion and Philosophy


It's quite perplexing in a way. I don't know how to feel. Somewhat indifferent yet sad, dejected, and alone. Almost as if I've given up on evrything I once thought was worth living for. What's the point of living if all we do is die? I'm not sure why I'm so afraid. will it really be that bad? I'm not ready to find out. Almost in tears can I face this fear that soon it will all be over? What's going to happen to me? Will I become nothing more than a memory soon to be forgotten? I don't want to be forgotten. If I must die let a trace of my existence remain upon this planet. Let me live. Let me live. Forever? Would it be so bad to live forever? My greatest fears. Dying and being alone. If I don't die everyone I ever knew will soon disappear and I will be alone... If I die I will be alone anyway... What if there is no heaven? No hell? I'd rather live on and suffer in hell than die and be left in nothingness. No heaven or hell, no after life, no reincarnation. What if there's nothing after death, and you're just gone? I can't sleep... Night terrors...

Saturday, February 4, 2006

Dyslexic Devil Worshipers Sell Their Souls to Santa

Current mood: silly
Category: Writing and Poetry


I know what you did last night
you're crying for attention.
You want to know what death feels like
awaiting your redemption.
But Santa Claus makes childrens toys
he doesn't have a scythe.
He'll eat your milk and cookies
but he will not take your life.

When life has turned you upside down
don't twist thoughts in your head.
The faith they claim is just a lie.
The world you knew is dead.
So get some milk and cookies;
light some candles, red and white.
Dyslexic Devil Worshipers
Sell Their Souls to Santa.

I saw what you tried to hide
another vein will bleed.
You want to know who told the world
that faith is all we need.
But Santa is a rolling stone
He can't give third eye sight.
The best you'll get for christmas is
he'll fuck your mom all night.

When life has turned you upside down
don't twist thoughts in your head.
The faith they claim is just a lie.
The world you knew is dead.
So get some milk and cookies;
light some candles, red and white.
Dyslexic Devil Worshipers
Sell Their Souls to Santa.

Foot steps on the roof top, and the fat red man's in sight.
Daddies gone and mommy had a really lonely night.
Life is not a bitch. You're mad 'cause she won't give it up.
All I hear is blah blah blah 'cause no one gives a fuck!

I heard what you said to her
the night her grandpa died.
You told what you think is the truth
about a god that lied.
But Santa Claus would not survive
a day with tortured souls.
He'd miss the elven prostitutes
that suck his southern pole.

When life has turned you upside down
(Foot steps on the roof top)
don't twist thoughts in your head.
(Fat red man in sight)
The faith they claim is just a lie.
(Daddies getting on his plane)
The world you knew is dead.
(Mommy had a lonely night)
So get some milk and cookies;
(Life won't be your bitch)
light some candles, red and white.
(She just won't give it up)
Dyslexic Devil Worshipers
(I'm sorry I can't hear you)
Sell Their Souls to Santa.
('Cause no one gives a fuck!)
© 2006

I had a Dream...

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry

I had a dream that I died today.
A dream that just won't go away.
A dream where everything went gray.
I had a dream that I died.

I had a dream that no one cared.
A dream that everyone just stared.
A dream where you just grin and bare.
I dream that no one cares.

I had a dream where I was alone.
A dream that my world turned to stone.
A dream where no one else was home.
I dream of being alone.

I had a dream of a world with no love.
A dream that you would know not of.
A dream where push will come to shove.
I dream of absent love.

I dreamt of death. I should've known
I dreamt of a love that hasn't grown.
When no one cared I was alone.
Inside a house that's not a home.
© 2006

Is it ever enough?

Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry

When do we stop to think of the reasons
for living and giving our hearts away?
Time to appreciate each changing season;
remember the past, and avoid everyday.
Who do we ask when we need all the answers?
Why do we care about anyone else?
What will we do with the found cure for Cancer?
Where will we go when our life's on the shelf?
Forget all the bad things that life threw your way.
Lie to yourself just to get through the day.
Fake happiness through your cracked, hopeful smile.
Hate every beautiful thing that they say.
Are we just ment to destroy our lives?
Will we scream "Fuck the world!" 'til bombs drown out our cries
or will we realize what it is to be human?
Will we rebuild everything we've consumed
in our wars and our anger, our criminal mindsets?
At this rate we stand at a permanent death threat.
© 2006

Thursday, February 2, 2006

Question

Current mood: gloomy
Category: Writing and Poetry

How many times will you listen to lies?
How many times have you asked yourself why?
When is it ok to sit here and cry?
How many times are you willing to try
to free your mind for a cause like love
that only will leave you blind?
© 2006

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Love Lies

Current mood: bored
Category: Writing and Poetry

When you're in love how do you know?
When fields of silent lies do grow
and all you do is frolic through
without a care. Of the when, what, and who
nor the why or the how of the then and now.
© 2006