Fuck Drunks Be A Stoner!

Current mood: bored
Category: Friends

A Drunk Would...

A Stoner Would...

Driving under the influence

Drive fast and recklessly crashing

into a caravan of carriages and killing

dozens of babies and young mothers.

Drive fast and recklessly setting

a new high score on Mario Kart.

In a Stairwell

Fall down the stairs and lay at the

bottom moaning until the janitor woke

him the next morning by dipping his

head in the mop bucket.

Stand there wondering

why the escalator was broken.

Eating out

Go to Taco Bell and vomit on the floor.

Go to Taco Bell and eat a half pound burrito,

3 chalupas, 2 steak quesadillas,

a zesty border bowl and

an order of cinnamon twisties.

Then have a long and insightful conversation

with the Chihuahua before proceeding

to also vomit on the floor.

(Okay, so this one's a toss up, but at least

the stoner is supporting the local economy.)

With A Guitar

Butcher the chords and mutter incoherent

profanities that would have Korean

karaoke singers covering their ears.

Compose classic songs and timeless hits.

If you don't believe me, just check the facts.

Every great songwriter is a stoner.

It's a fact. I read it in a thesaurus.

At a party

Dance on your table,

spill a drink in your kitchen,

pee on your lawn ornaments,

break ALL your lamps and just

generally trash your humble little living space.

Sit on your couch and be thankful

you were gracious enough to

put out some chips and dip

while staring at the ceiling and commenting

on its white, tundra-esque flatness

If you bump into one at a party

Punch you in the face and push you over

while his drunk buddies kicked you to death

as you lay crying on the rancid,

soggy carpet of the frat house.

Look at you startled and say, "Woah, man.

What goes bump in the night?"

And then answer his own question, "You do!"

His stoner buddies would chime in, "All riiight."

After a party

Never last until after the party.

Help clean up and, if he was smart,

steal all the wallets of the passed out drunks.

Sleeping if they couldn't find a bed

Make a big fuss about it but

end up passing out on the bathmat anyway.

Not mind. He'd be perfectly content

to build a lovely, little cocoon

of twigs and leaves

and curl up in that for the night.

Waking up the next morning

Be wet with several different liquids

including urine (his and others),

beer, saliva (again, his and others)

and muddy water from his roommate's ficus,

which he spent the night sleeping next to.

The drunk never wants to see alcohol again,

but he knows he will.

Be rested, refreshed

and ready to smoke again!

You see the stoner is nothing to worry about. He?s a cute cuddly creature, like a little puppy with mangy fur and worms who just happens to be interested in what other people?s anuses smell like. So, go ahead, let him sniff. I promise he?ll do you no harm.