The Truth about Being Big

I know it's been a long time, but this randomly needs to be said. There are big people in this world. And I think that calling them fat is kind of rude in certain cases. You see, even though skinnier people can have big hearts or be filled with hate and bad things too... I think that larger people just show through. I have a good friend who has always been a bigger guy. I feel that he just has the biggest heart ever and it can't be contained. I also have an ex best friend and as far as I'm concerned she is filled with so much anger, selfishness, and all out bullshit that her body can't hide it. I feel that bigger people filled with bad things.... well it's not mean to call them fat. Because they're not good people. Bursting with good things is something people should envy. People don't envy being fat... It just doesn't even sound right. So simply put, not all larger human beings are "fat", they just all have something inside them that is starting to burst at the seems.

Have you ever smiled so hard your face hurt? Been so angry your head pounded? Their bodies are doing one of those thing on the inside. Permanently.

People...

Sometimes I just fucking hate everyone.

Tired if being hurt, played with, used.

Sick of secrets, lies, obstruction of the truth...

People.... They're just no good....

I fucked up my life by wanting to be accepted....

I should have stuck to myself like I used to....

Dependent...

I know I am. I have depended on people all my life. I depend on my family to support me, which is normal for the most part, but I also have depended on other people to make even the most personal decisions in my life. I trusted all the wrong people, and I didn't have any sort of faith in myself to make the right decisions. I have made way too many mistakes because I never stuck to my own beliefs. I've never been a strong person... From a psychological stand point it has been said that people who are only children either learn to be independent far before their peers, or the direct opposite... Well you see where I lay. I'm afraid that I may not have the power to be strong, and to make the right choices... and that I will not end in the right place in life. And again the wrong out weigh the right. Not only do those who hurt others win out, but those who just tried to feel something, to be close to someone, who just wanted a friend, and who just needed support and love... those who care are trampled as they try to help those who never have cared for anything.

Just My Thoughts

When I stopped believing in you it was because you showed me how fake you really are. When people look up to you it hits them hard when you let them down. Only you would say it's their fault for losing faith, and giving up hope.

Just My Thoughts

You were just a constituent. Never a Confidant. Though, I've made a few Comrades in the rally against you. So in the end I am finally free to find my true Confidant. These days life keeps getting better.

Just My Thoughts

You earn trust. You gain respect. If you have given no reason to be trusted you will not be. If you do not behave in a respectable manner you cannot gain respect. As well you cannot get respect if you do not give it. Any man who expects to inherit these things is a fool as is any man who gives these things too freely. The batter does not get more than 3 strikes.

Random Rant on Disney's "Black Princess"

The Princess and the Frog... I'm pissed about that movie.

I am under the impression that Walt Disney was supposedly a racist, and I can honestly understand if he were simply because of the time he grew up in.

Being that he's dead and Obama got elected Disney came out with it's "First Black Princess", but apparently all the GOOD stories got taken? So why is it the black chick has to kiss the nasty ass frog? And the voodoo? Are you kidding me?

It's like disney had a meeting... "What can we do to make this movie as black as possible?"

Voodoo... Really. As far as that goes from what I understand voodoo only works if you believe it does (supposedly) and it originated in Africa, so presumably black people would have a connection here.

If I remember correctly voodoo didn't turn that prince into a frog in the original story. I just think they could have come up with a new and exciting story in honor of this "Change" instead of this CRAP.

More Tyra? Shocking

So since I did watch the show today while in the hospital I saw that the next show is going to be about fat or "overweight" teens and how they are desperate for love because they get made fun of, or have low self esteem, or just don't get hit on, or asked on dates because they're fat.

I wonder how many of these girls hurt other people because they're hurting inside...

Cause I know someone who would totally go on that show.

One thing I can say. I don't care what your problem is. It's not an excuse for hurting people. It's one thing when it's so subconscious that you don't even notice what you're doing to people, but it's another thing when you use it to explain away or excuse your poor behavior. If you know you're doing it then stop doing it. After a while the excuse gets old because you're not even trying to be better.

You never really tried to be a better person. You were too busy trying to look better than everyone else.

Haters "HateHer"

I don't really like watching the Tyra Banks show, but it was on today while I was in the hospital. I did find this one interestingt though because it was brought on by a book written by a few women who are all friends with eachother. It's about girls "hating" on other girls. Hence the name.

You could say I'm a "HateHer" because I talk about all of this crap with my ex friend, but since Tyra asked a few girls WHY they "hate" I feel I have the right to explain. Besides it is MY blog after all.

You see I hate PEOPLE who do things to hurt people and don't care about it. I also hat when those people get away with it, or even worse get rewarded afterwards. It encourages shitty behavior. I do not believe that cheating, lying, and manipulating people should lead to you still getting what you want. This happens regularly through out my life though this is the worst case and there has been nothing quite like it before. I have been in many situations where people screw other people over and get away with it. I think it is very unjust. I try hard to be good and fair. I'm not perfect but I've never screwed someone over like that before. It's just not right.

I can also say that she would definitely be a "HateHer" because she always bitches "You look better than me, I was mad because you looked good in your new bathing suit, All the guys like you better, I'd rather be skinny like you and sick as a leper than my size and healthy as a horse, You always take all the guys, You always get everything, blah blah blah" When NONE of that is true. The guys who like me and don't like her simply don't like her because either she's too quiet and stand offish, she appears unfriendly, or they think she's a bitch, and she is usually all of those things. I shouldn't have to spend all my time trying to make her feel better about herself. Especially when she calls me a selfish slut and throws out any and every cutting insult she can think of to me when she's not getting her way and she thinks it's my fault. I don't do that to her. Ever. She also supposedly tells other people that I do, and that I tell her she's fat and ugly and all this other shit. I never even told her how much of a bitch I think she is. I honestly just pretend it's not happening. She pretends that she is the only one who has feelings. Her feelings matter the most, and honestly no one else's feelings really matter at all. Why else do you think she's cheated on, lied to, and hurt all the people she claims to love the most? I used to try to build her up, and while I did that she was basically trying to tear me down. She blames other people for everything, and she never takes the blame for what is her fault. She cussed me out because "You never say sorry when we argue you hurt my feelings and you only care about your feelings and I say sorry to you." She doesn't say sorry to anyone even a quarter of the time. I'm not sorry. I'm done apologizing for your bullshit and acting like I'm the one to blame. Get over yourself. If your self esteem is so low then why do you think that you're more important than everyone else? Why do you act that way, and pretend that everyone else is being selfish and conceited? "I just want to be special" Is that why you're such a bitch to everyone? You can't demand to be special, step on people to get to the top, and then cry when people don't move out of your way and let you do whatever you want. I no longer feel bad for you. You're pathetic. Call me a Hater if you want, but I call it like I see it. I will hate on people who use manipulation and mind games to back stab and hurt people, just so that they themselves can be on top and "feel special". I'm keeping it real, and I will continue to Hate Her.

Still Alone

I met a guy in school whose comics are amazing. He's sweet and funny, open and kind... Just a really cool guy. He was single and such and I don't think he was interested in anyone when I met him, but since the summer started I haven't seen him....

My friend helped us find each other on Facebook, and by then he definitely had an interest in someone else. This didn't work out I guess, but I did wish him luck. I also tried to schedule a time for us to hangout, but... he said to wait until school starts again... because he's busy and he lives about a half an hour away from me. Maybe even 45 minutes. The thing is that he was driving out here to hangout with the other girl... but I guess I could understand since he likes her...

Like I said it didn't work out I guess, but he found a new interest rather quickly. It was surprising for both of us.... and it's not me. He went to a party and I guess they played Wii Strip? Who the FUCK strips when they lose in a video game?! Maybe in a more private setting... but it appeared to me that they didn't know each other that well before this. So why are you stripping at a big party and then sitting on this guys lap and... just.... I dunno they hit it off I guess. But I never even had a chance.... I guess I should just accept that it's not gonna happen.

A Lesson on Owning Up

It's funny how some people are.

Ever notice when people say that they're not laughing...

I find it interesting, but not at all laughable that people (including myself at times I'm sure) have a tendency to put the blame of all the problems upon others. Pointing the finger at anyone, anything, everyone, and everything... Except for themselves.

It happens to the best of us, but while there are certain situations that can be considered to have a small chance that there may be other outside factors "against" you... There are some set in stone conditions in which your actions have lead you to this predicament and it is entirely your own fault.

When you lie to someone close to you repeatedly, and you are upset that they don't trust you anymore.... You have only yourself to blame for lying.

If they end your friendship it is not because "They are horrible friends who have abandoned you" It is because you have lied, and they have chosen not to accept your friendship any longer because you have violated the terms.

When you cheat on your SO and they don't forgive you... You have only yourself to blame for cheating.

It is not that they're just being insensitive and "don't understand why you did it" You may have a reason for why you've done it. "I wanted to find someone else, we weren't getting along as well anymore, I met someone new." That does not make it excusable. One should not be surprised if their SO leaves them because of that. Perhaps you could have done the honest and honorable thing and not cheat, as well as telling them how you feel and if things don't get mended, then break it off legitimately.

We all make choices in our lives, and those choices have consequences.

When you decide to cheat on your SO you've decided that your happiness matters more to you than theirs (in which why would you eve keep them around?), and when you decided to lie to someone usually it is not at all because you don't want to "hurt them with the truth", but that you want to get away with it. There is no "I lied to you because I didn't want to hurt you." It's actually an "I lied because I knew if you found out things wouldn't go perfectly my way, and I thought it best to keep you in the dark in order to make things work out for me at your expense."

People don't like to admit that. I think it's time to own up.

A Letter

Oh pot, you are just as black as me.

- sincerely Kettle

KARMA BITCH (I hope it catches up QUICK)

Life. Life. Life is lovely.

Fuck with me I'll beat you ugly.

Hoes. Hoes. Yall don't know me.

I'm a smart one. Listen closely.

Karm. Karma. Gotcho numba.

Dail it up. You tryina ditch.

Run. Run. Hide yo shit.

But catchin' up Karma's a bitch.

© 2010

I'm not tryina talk about specifics anymore, but in general... If I have ever told you that "I hope you fucking die in a fire." I hope you know I meant it.

My own little FML

My EX Best Friend is a cheating whore. She fucked 7 guys behind her fiancées back. She lied to one of the guys about the rest of the guys on the side. She got caught cheating so her fiancée left her. All the other guys on the side (excluding the one she lied to) don't really want her. The guy she lied to is a guy I've been in love with for years. She knew. They're dating now. I told them they can fuck off. I got a job interview. At the place he works at... FML

Continued

You don't make any FUCKNG sense! I'm tired of people not fucking making sense. You all must be idiots! Are there any people out there who have any sort of logic left in their fucked up little minds?! Please, if you're out there fucking find me because RIGHT NOW I'm fucking surrounded by IDIOTS! God fucking damnit!

Venting Quickly

FUCK!!!!!!

Just. Fuck people. Seriously, fuck you all. Fuck fuck fuck fucking FUCK!

Girl Her

Now maybe this is just too much,

but I want you to understand

that I've been longin' for your touch.

Boy, I just wanna hold your hand.

I'm feelin' all these shades of blue,

and maybe bits of green and red.

Try not to think of her and you,

but I can't get it out my head.

Feels like if she was the one

with whom you spent a lot of time,

then maybe she could be the one

that makes the sun in your world shine,

but she don't talk with you like her.

She can't walk with you like her.

No, she ain't built to be your her,

but she just wants to be your girl...

Don't want none of your money babe.

I just want a little time.

Just wanna make you happy boy.

I wanna make your heart all mine.

I can't promise to be perfect,

but I'll give it all I've got.

So, if I can make you stay a while

boy that'll mean a lot.

Feels like if she was the one

with whom you spent a lot of time,

then maybe she could be the one

that makes the sun in your world shine,

but she don't talk with you like her.

She can't walk with you like her.

No, she ain't built to be your her,

but she just wants to be your girl...

© 2010

The Show

I once knew a woman who had a disease.

Yeah, I once knew a woman that could make your heart freeze.

Now, she's no supermodel and she ain't no débutante,

but one reason or another she might be the one you want.

If you're lookin' for some lovin' and somebody who cares,

well I'm sorry friend to tell you this, but you better look elsewhere.

Though, if you're lookin' for a good time and it's only for the night,

then my friend I'll tell you somethin'. She is sure to treat you right

When she says dance puppet dance,

you better be quick to obey,

because she'll be damned if you're not good enough

to get a role in her play.

Yeah, she said dance puppet dance,

but if you're quick to refuse,

then you're one lucky son of a gun,

and in the end it's a good life to choose.

Now, this woman had a few good men wrapped up in her spell,

and I certainly can tell you that they didn't fair too well.

Some have managed eventually to sever all their ties,

but the two stars of the show waited too late to realize.

One said "Baby will you marry me?" and she was quick to reply

"Yes, but what he doesn't know won't hurt about my army of other guys"

Yet another was kept on the sidelines and that's the only place he'll ever be.

She stole his heart, trapped it in lies, and took his virginity.

Now, I must say in the end we all pay.

The truth is alive and it shines it's light each day.

But once the puppets saw their strings

it was far too late for justice to sing,

cause now the act is over and the credits roll.

The ending now has taken toll.

And she said dance puppet dance,

he was quick to obey,

but I'm sorry to disappoint you when I don't come to the play

because she said dance puppet dance.

I was quick to refuse

because in the end both the puppets and their master are sure to lose.

So I've cut my strings,

but I cant set you free.

Just dance puppet dance.

There's no room for you in me.

© 2010

Define

I have a "Twin". We're like parallel in the same world. She writes:
"I'm not skinny. My hair doesn't fall down to my waste, my eyes are dark not light, my skin isn't flawless, I prefer ties and a fitted cap over skirts, a bible instead of urban literature, Naruto rather than The Boondocks; does this make me not beautiful? No, I think it makes me...well, me. *shrugs*"
-Bx

So I respond:
I'm not curvaceous. My hair doesn't flow long and straight, my eyes appear black as night, my skin is not fair, I prefer big hoodies and jeans over things I'm required to wear, a game controller instead of anything prada, Food Network rather than MTV or BET; does that make me less of a woman? No, I think it makes me...well, me.
::Shrug::
-The Breeze

:D Love you twin

GOI

Accept that things are changing.

Your life is rearranging.

I know it's not the same,

but you know who's to blame.

Just accept that things are different.

It's just life. You may not miss it,

but the years continue going by

and there's no slowing down until we die.

© 2010

Justice

I called out a warning,

and everyone ignored me,

but everything's alright now.

Yeah, we can see the light now.

You may think it's too bright.

You can't hide in the light,

and it's no longer night now.

We see you.

© 2010

Mixed Up

I'm not... feeling so good.

Very emotionally unstable today.

I feel like I need to feel needed.

Lonely. I'm lonely.

I don't understand....

I'm happy. I think. Well I was.

I like being with him, but its so uncertain all the time.

He's never fully mine. I don't like sharing.

I hear news of someone.

I've been attracted to them before.

They are attracted to someone. Else.

Some one I know.

My deal is this. Shouldn't I just be happy with him? Not worrying about them, but he's so uncertain. He's not a sure thing and never fully mine.... and if he doesn't stick around. They will only drive me off the wall.

My Cosmic Profile (Tarot.com...Interesting)

My Cosmic Profile

Your Sun Sign: Taurus Sun 26° Taurus 19'

Element: Earth Key Planet: Venus You aren't necessarily like a Bull in a ring with a toreador. You could be more like peace-loving Ferdinand, seeking the gentle meadows filled with flowers, sunshine and natural beauty. It's only your stubbornness that can make you angry enough to charge at someone who is disturbing your peace. You Bulls are noted for your determination. You get to where you are going, not because you are exceptionally fast or clever, but because you will not be distracted from your goals. Motto: "Take care of the senses and everything else will take care of itself.” Greatest Strength: Your sensible outlook on life Possible Weakness: Accepting less than you can achieve

Your Moon Sign: Libra Moon 17° Libra 08'

Element: Air Key Planet: Venus Motto: "I'll compromise my needs to fulfill yours." Greatest Strength: Being objective about your emotions Possible Weakness: Avoiding emotional commitment The Moon in a mental air sign like Libra tends to bring objectivity to the mysterious world of emotions. This can give you a clarity about feelings that keeps you from getting swallowed up in them… but it can also make it harder to tune into your own needs. You're so conditioned to making others feel at ease that you may not deal with what's going on inside of yourself, especially if you can't put it into words. The peace and harmony that you desire is very positive as long as you're not stifling yourself to achieve it. Fairness is not just something you give to others… it's something that you need for yourself to have the kind of relationships that you want.

Your Rising Sign: Aquarius Ascendant 11° Aquarius 06'

Element: Air Key Planet: Uranus Motto: "I'm friendly, but not really like to rest of you." Greatest Strength: Understanding what's best for the group Possible Weakness: People don't see your passion Aquarius Rising gives you an open-minded outlook on life. You're not one to get stuck with traditions that don't make sense to you. That's because you're an original, a person who's looking to make her or his own mark rather than following in anyone else's footsteps. And no matter how strong your feelings are, you tend to use your mind to help you back up and see things from a broad perspective. So you tend to look cool, maybe a little detached, even when you're steaming inside. There's a friendly way you have about you that makes you very likable. But when it comes to matters of principle, you're capable of digging in your heels and stubbornly standing up for your beliefs.

Your Chinese Sign: The Snake

Mantra: My inner wisdom will save me. The intelligent Snake calculates outcomes ahead of time. Snakes are born organizers and know well how to use their talents of discretion, discernment and intuition. Kind and considerate, they remain quiet in company. But under this silent demeanor can be a stubborn and suspicious person that doesn't like pain or failure. The Snake has the ability to see beyond appearances to something deeper. Using these talents, the Snake is capable of creating his own reality practically and gracefully.

Your Tarot Card:

The Emperor

Motto: May you be master of your realm.
Prime Number: 4
Power Planet: Mars

General Card Meaning

In the most practical terms, what has traditionally been called the Emperor card represents the highest leadership, a head of state or the most exemplary and powerful person in the realm. This archetypal ruler is responsible for the positive working out of affairs of a society or community, which are directly proportional to his well being and happiness.

The more enlightenment and cosmic perspective this energy brings, the better life is for all. The Emperor archetype masters the world of matter and physical manifestation. When you apply this card to your situation, acknowledge your potentials for mastery. Reinforce a sense of sovereignty within yourself, despite any self-limiting beliefs, habits or appearances to the contrary.

Your Celtic Tree:

Hawthorn Tree

Celtic touchstones for Hawthorn:

Color: Purple
Gemstone: Topaz
Flower: Clover
Animal: Bee, Owl
Celestial Body: Vulcan

Star Struck

I am very disappointed in people these days. How can you tell me that models and movie stars are real beauty and then continue to sit there with a straight face? They are MADE that way. Even without airbrushing. Perfect lighting and the highest end of professionals making their clothes doing their make up their nails and their hair. If I have all of that at my disposal I better look good. They're real people living a life that is unrealistic to ever think that even half of the people in the world could make it to, and they are certainly not real beauty.

What happened to loving natural beauty. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with getting dolled up. I like to do it, but I'm not putting on my face daily. I can be seen without make up and be just fine. You've seen those "Celebrity leak photo's NO MAKE UP ZOMG" and most of them look horrible... But those are the women you lust after.

Learn to love someone "average" and down to earth because that's where you'll find true beauty. Not in Hollywood. I also think that movie stars should stick to their own at this point. Your lifestyle becomes too much for people to keep up with. Take Shia Labeouf. Asked out some random girl he met who won some contest to interview him. Seriously? It's nice that you want to be the guy who doesn't let his status get to you and would date anyone, but come on. I feel like Celebrities live in this big perfect little bubble, and we're all banging on the outside of it waiting for it to let us in. BEGGING for it to let us in so that we can be special too, and the only way for that to happen is if someone in the bubble reaches out and grabs your hand and pulls you in.

Why can't we just make our world outside the bubble the life of the party? Enjoy what you have and stop giving them so much attention and eventually some of them will get sick of being stuck in that bubble and they'll pop their way out.

Modus Operandi

Every girl in the world has killed every mans heart,

and I'm left here to pick up the pieces.

And so every man has then torn me apart,

and then left me to pick up the pieces.

No one trusts me to be different,

I'm a woman, I'm the same, I'm another pretty face,

just another one to blame.

I'm not any sort of special, nothing new,

not worth the fight.

Just a candle on your alter, hardly even worth the light.

But I'm Rotting on the Inside, Fading on the Out...

And you're another can of fuel to the flame...

Now I've got a voice again... You say "Another lesson learned", but

I've learned nothing more today than to let my pages burn.

It's time to scream and shout again.

Time to let it out again.

Crying, sobbing silently

until I see a light again.

© 2010

She Over Me

I used to be a lot of things.

These things you never knew.

I think that I'm still new.

I thought that I knew you.

The used to be that once was me

was changed because of you.

Because you never noticed.

And still you never knew.

© 2010

Muse No More

I used to be a big dreamer...
I used to write my heart out, but now I choke,
cough, and watch it fall away.
I know I'm bursting with ideas, but
the inspiration is dead inside me.
Pass the Phoenix Down...

© 2010

Untitled

Trying to stop the rainstorm in my heart.

I gotta keep from falling apart.

There's got to be a way

to make the sun shine bright again, cause now

the winds are howling to the moon.

I'm wishing you would say "Yes" soon.

Tired of watching tears drop

down down down...

© 2010

Let the Past be just that

Everything I've ever written about and all that I've done. Let it go let it go let it go.

I can't help the mistakes I have made, but today I have many new faces to show.

So just let me be free to build this new me and as for the yesterdays of long ago.

Please let my past be simply that, and love the me YOU know.

I've learned and changed and made amends so please just let it go.

© 2010

Learning

I would like to memorize and become excellent at singing these two pieces specifically.

Pie Jesu

Pie Jesu, Pie Jesu
Pie Jesu, Pie Jesu
Qui tollis peccata mundi
Dona eis requiem
Dona eis requiem
Agnus Dei, Agnus Dei
Agnus Dei, Agnus Dei
Qui tollis peccata mundi
Dona eis requiem
Dona eis requiem
Sempiternam, sempiternam requiem

and

Lucia Di Lammermoor/The Diva Dance (From "The Fifth Element")
Il dolce suono (The sweet sound)
Mi colpi di sua voce!...Ah, quella voce (Of his voice I hear! That voice)

M'e qui nel cor discesa!... (So deeply embedded in my heart!...)

Edgardo! lo ti son reas; (Edgar! I'm yours again:)

Edgardo! Ah! Edgardo mio! (Edgar! Ah! My Edgar!)

Si, ti son resa! (Yes, I'm yours again!)

Fuggita io son da' tuoi nemici... (I've escaped from your enemies...)

Un gelo mi serpeggia nel sen!... (There's a chill in my bosom!...)

Trema ogni fibra!...Vacilla it pie!... (Every fibre trembles!...My foot's unsteady...)

Presso la fonte meco t'assidi alquanto... (Sit with me near the fountain.)

Si, presso la fonte meco t'assidi... ([No translation available])

Haunted

I went out tonight

I met a guy tonight

He said he knew me

Because his old room mate was a guy I liked

A guy I slept with.

And apparently now I have the reputation of being a slut AND a lousy lay.

When you're a bouncer at a club you don't say "Hey I know you! You fucked my friend and he said it sucked!" to some girl that's coming into the club you work at. You just fucking don't. Period.

If I could kill people and get away with it I would.

Updates: Because it's good to know how things are going.

First of all a random thought:

Pinocchio should learn how to lie without lying.

Secondly:

I did not have sex with Shane. He tried. But I said no. I'm very proud of that.

Last of all:

I'm watching "True Life: I'm Addicted to Video Games" and I am SO thankful that I can still get all A's and B's and have a meaningful relationship and not get so stuck in games that it ruins that. I have self control. I have a choice. These people can't help themselves, and it's a BIG struggle for them to stop gaming. I can stop myself, sometimes I do make the irresponsible choice to put off school and such for games and other things, but I can stop myself. In order to not slip into a mode where I can't stop, I should start making the responsible decision more often. So here's one more thing to work on for me. I'll make it happen.

Happy (21st) Birthday To ME

21 years ago today I was popping out at this exact moment at 1:56am.

Another year to change my life around.

Live strong everyone.

My Date of Birth - Talent in Progress #3: Growing Up

Tomorrow (May 17th) is my birthday. In fact, it is my 21st birthday. I wanted to reflect on my life for a moment in order to prepare for years ahead before I go out and celebrate.

I've lived a good 21 years so far with a lot of ups and an abundance of downs.

I've made many poor choices, and most of the good ones go unnoticed.

I've done a lot of things that I possibly shouldn't have.

I haven't done a lot that I should.

It's alright though. and do you know why that is? Because I'm still growing up. I'm still learning. People make mistakes. As a 21 year old I plan to change my ways in hopes that it will help me keep away from poor situations, and bad decisions, as well as gear me up for something good.

One thing I know about myself is that it's easier to stop doing the things that I shouldn't be doing than it is for me to do the things that I should but don't do...

This will be a long process, however, I know I can do it. It's just something I will have to tackle step by step. So here are the rules:

• No intercourse unless I'm in a long-term relationship.
• Drinking will never get out of hand.
• I will never do crazy street drugs (Weed is not a drug in my opinion), nor will I do tobacco products. But I've never even tried any of that stuff anyway I'm just saying I'll continue not to (again weed doesn't count).
• I will do my best to be more open and honest with my family, however I WILL NOT be telling anyone other than my mom (when she asks) about my sex life. You know, unless it's one of those "We're gonna have a baby" big happy family moments.
• I will be making my own decisions. Period.
• The final step in this is that I will get my self together. Being on top of the things that I have to do and doing them even if it's something I don't want to or don't feel like doing, as well as... probably starting therapy...

The rules specifically for tomorrow are as follows:

• Only drink a little. I'm going to just try a few drinks. Tasting wise, you know, like a sip her and there. And at the club I am getting a "Blue MFer" and that's it.
• I will be getting my massage from "CMU" assuming he shows up and we will have a bit of adult fun if you know what I mean (most likely anyway), but we ARE NOT having Vaginal Sex. (And I don't do anal so don't even start that one. Never have never will.)
• Last, but not least. Above all else. HAVE FUN

This year should be great. Because that's how I plan to make it.

Reflections Revisited

I haven't been living up to what I once said would be my new policy for men. I'm not very good at not trying, but I'm working on it. I have delete over 200 numbers on my phone, and deleted facebook friends on a facebook I hardly check. I've begun to check it semi regularly just as if it were email, and speaking of email I'm trying to be better at checking that too.

What I am doing now is cutting loose ends. The sad part in this is that pretty much all of my ends were loose and I have almost nothing left. I hardly leave the house... I have no one to talk to... No one calls me... Or texts... No emails...

The last few loose ends that have yet go be snipped will be soon enough. I am still working on it right now. I need my things back first. This whole thing is a long process of cleansing. I must get away from all the negative aspects of my life. I let them in and now I'm shutting them out.

I miss my REAL best friend. Bean. He's in Japan doing Study Abroad. His birthday is May 10th and since mine is a week after on May 17th we always celebrate together. This year it won't be happening...

Things are hard right now, but I'm working through it all. In the end I shall come out as the phoenix once again rising from the flame of my burning ashes.

Truth Hall

Great movie. Makes you think...

Everything appears to be reminding me of my life right now....

Dear God, It's Me...

What happened to the days when I was content with where I was. I was happy right? Was I happy? I'm not even sure if that was happiness or if it was simply blissful ignorance of how the world works that makes my childhood seem like something so much more than where I am now...

High School... I made it out of elementary and middle with a new determination to never settle for peoples shit. I did quite well for two years weeding through people and finding many fresh rays of sunshine, but they were older, and they graduated... and Junior year I fell back into my vicious cycle, though I didn't know it until last year...

I'm about to be Twenty-One years OLD. Most of the people I meet now are already set, and they have the life and friends that they're ready to at the least attempt to keep. So I may have a rough time. This isn't Grade School anymore, and it damn sure isn't High School, but I'm starting over. Again.

Infamous Hamburger

I'm done. You lied and you know it. Keep hiring bimbo's who don't get their shit done Hassan.

Angie, Brittney, and Holly don't do shit. So why do they still work there?

Sarah isn't a team player for anything and she's not fair to anyone but Genesis.

Amanda starts shit too much when we work together.

You don't even like Sean, but he still works there?

Not once have I had a customer complain about me not being on task or messing up their food horribly or taking too long and being too slow with their things, but yet you say I'm not a team player and I can't keep up to speed?

You're full of shit.

Sarah goes on breaks and doesn't help clean up anything before her shift ends and leaves me in the place alone to clean up messes she left while you yell at me because I didn't do it fast enough? I'm not being a team player? But she is, right?

You've even noted that Britteny and Angie don't do shit unless I tell them what to do. I shouldn't have to tell someone to help me clean up when both of us are supposed to be closing. But you fired me right? Not them?

There's a list of people getting fired huh?

You fired Jeff cause you think he doesn't do shit and he's lazy right?
But you fired me even though I bust my ass?
But you're keeping three people who sit on their ass or just stand there over half the time.

And somehow you've convinced Jimmy that this makes sense.
Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy....
You let me down.

And about letting a "personality conflict" what was it? "Stew and build up this far"?
I did no such thing. First of all there is no personality conflict. The only so called conflict is that Hassan keeps fucking with me for no reason. I come to work and I do my job and I have no problems with anyone and I go home and I live my life. Next thing I know I'm being told I'm not doin' the shit good enough so I'm out? But I'm seeing some lazy hoes and a conceited bitch keepin their shit. To hell with yall.

And you know you're full of shit.
"Jimmy fired you"
But you tell jimmy you didn't say that.
Then you say I'm "not being a team player"
Then Jimmy puts me on the schedule.
Then you take me off because you say that "Jimmy, Mike, and Mounir all say I'm fired and agree with you"
But Jimmy didn't agree to let me go until the next day.
And I can assure you Mike was not OK with it because I talked to him.
I doubt Mounir was on board either.

Here is my point. Those who lie and cheat get what they deserve. Those who protect them (depending on their reasoning which assumes they know their lying and still help them) will get it too.

I have kept one person safe in particular for a long time.
Oh yeah. I'm comin' for ya.

Flight of the Condor #1

Pathetic.
Because I told you the truth and you still insist on running down the path of your self fulfilling prophecy.
I told you everything.
I told him everything and I lied to you when you asked if I've spoken against you.
You don't deserve honesty.
HE won't respect honesty.
He won't except it.

Regretful.

Junior year. Good choices or bad?

Wondering if things would be different had I never became your friend.

Sure I would be better off.

Curious who my friends would be instead.

Changing.

Slowly stepping back now. Getting away.

Not much for caring about the lot of you.

Respect for humanity does not mean you have to get along perfectly with everyone.

Loving you still as a fellow human being, but you are no kin to me.

SPRING BREAK PLANS

1. French Toast
2. Cookies (Choco PB Chip)
3. Work and Save
4. Get Lappy Fixed (I hope to hell)
5. Pot Roast? Broccoli + Chz Cornbread? Sweet Potato Stuff?

Basically

Nothing Fun
With
No One New

Everyone is doing something...
Those who aren't...
I honestly am fed up with...
But I'll probably try hanging out with them anyway so I don't have to be alone

"The Body May Perish, but The Spirit Lives On"

"Fear it's soul, for it knows no terror."

"Looks Better on a Resume"

How much does the real you care?
Do you even know?

"Davlin" Is NOT my Friend [?]

How often have you felt like this... Broken... Doll that has to either hide from all the other toys or pretend it's just as good as them even though fit certainly doesn't it in. "A lot, actually. That's how you feel now?" I've been pretending not to feel this way for a while (which never works for long, obviously). There's a lyric from Smile Empty Soul that says 'It's OK to be who you are, but don't pretend to smile' Funny how it makes me...

You're frustrating... "Why does everyone always say that" For me... It's because you understand everything. When I talk to you I don't feel like I'm wasting my time trying to explain things. You just get it. It's comforting. But you avoid the shit out of me. I know you do there's no other way around it. Maybe I am quite overwhelming... But I'm just reaching out trying not to give up and you're (one of the people anyway) what I caught hold of. It's not all that easy to find someone understanding. Not for me.

You're part of the problem because you refuse to be [part of] the solution that you really are. That I've seen you are, and this would likely only make you shy away more. Me saying this. But it pisses me off. Because I'm getting to the point where it's like... What the FUCK do I have going for me? Nothing.

Everyone I thought was good isn't. Everyone that is... [well, they] all leave. You're no different. Because you're scared. Why is this, like, my destiny to find people who are either afraid to get close to me or don't want to... Or they're not good people to get close to... and would only hurt me. The people that want to get close to me are not very good people. Ever. It's fucking retarded. I'm angry. I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I feel exhausted, and I just want to stop everything. I don't feel like doing anything ever because what good does it do? Why go to school, why work, why even leave my bed? There's no good reason.

"Because you're trying to find it in other people, or make them fit that role. That's something that needs to come from yourself" "Do you think that's easy to do with no friends? I don't. Self exploration was easy when I thought my friend network was in tact." "No, it's something you do when you have no one." "It only hurts more this way."

Maybe if you hadn't started out so friendly this would be easier. Who were you when we first talked? Cause you weren't Davlin. I mean what, was that *** I met and then Davlin came back overnight?

"I'm schizophrenic, you really can't tell? I've got my own problems. You read my stuff, I'm a fuckin mess."

I'm supposed to know you're schizophrenic? I'm just supposed to know by reading your blog and texting you? Talking to you on the phone sometimes? I'd have to see you regularly in person to know that. I didn't ask you to save me or solve my problems. I asked you to not drive me [fucking] nuts by acting nice and then telling me you're not my friend, and then telling me you care and apologizing, and then telling me you're not my damn friend.

"You're right, I've been a friend tease. I'm sorry."

Used to It

I'm used to excuses.
I'm used to people taking quite a long time to decide that they care enough to contact them at least 15 days ago (and usually even longer).
I'm used to pity.
I'm used to people talking to me because they feel "guilty" for ignoring me when all I've ever tried to do is support them and be there for them. To be a friend.
I'm used to "I'm sorry."
I'm used to people saying it. Constantly apologizing with no real meaning to it. Because if it meant that much to them there would eventually be no need for such things simply because they would have stopped repeating the same mistake ages ago.

I am used to giving up.
I am used to people messing up and screwing me over so often that I constantly lose faith in people in general. No matter how hard I try to never lose hope.
I am used to faking it.
I am used to people never noticing that I am only asking them the basic generic questions that one asks when they care, but I don't, and I hate it when they answer the question as though I was being sincere. I never cared about your answer at that point.

I've gotten used to people taking a while to realize that perhaps something is wrong. Asking "Are you OK?" when the answer is quite apparent.
I've gotten used to being generic, dull, and negative once I begin to give up on people. "Who's the lucky girl these days." Notice the lack of a Question mark. Instead I placed a period indicating that I really don't care to hear the answer though you gave it to me anyway... "That's nice." "Has its moments." "Don't they all."

I've gotten used to the idea that I have problems.

• Depressed:
  As far as I'm concerned this is as good as it gets.
  It's a hard cycle to break.
  
  
• Emotionally Dysfunctional:
  Looks better on a resume.

Neither one will be put on mine. My mother suggests I seek counseling. I think not. "Why not?" Maybe I'm in denial, or perhaps I simply am not too keen on the idea of telling some random person all of my business and personal thoughts knowing that not only are they going to be taking notes, judging me, and then turn around, tell me what's wrong with me, and get PAID for it! But that this is supposed to help me...
If I wanted to complain to a real person I'd just call one of my crappy friends. "Well, that's obviously not working for you. You need someone that doesn't know you who is trained and impartial."
I've gotten used to people telling ME what I need. I've come to the conclusion that I can figure that out on my own just fine. I don't call my so called friends. I don't because they're part of the problem. I call one person (family members not included). That's it now. No one else is true, and no one else is there for me.

But I'm fine by myself.
I'm used to it.

Dreaming

I would LOVE to be like Guy, or Paula Dean's sons, and travel around the country... NO. Around the WORLD. I would KILL to travel around the WORLD and visit new places specifically to eat up all their food and tell people how amazing it tastes.

I'm the kind of person where I'll try pretty much ANY food once. I hate fish. You make me fish? I'll taste it. I may not finish it all, but that's why they call it a TASTE.

I also think it's unfair that these people make millions eating other peoples food, giving their opinions, and filming it... I know they do other stuff... but that alone makes them tons of money.

I WANT THAT!

P.S. I want a Shake Weight... Don't judge me >.>

Good Question

You're too... Bitchy. You go from calm to complain in two seconds over pretty much nothing. When you ask for a favor you bitch about the way it's being done. I've never heard you say thank you for anything I've done for you. Saying bless you when you sneeze and you thanking me for that is hardly worth using as an argument against my last statement. I mean you're just so Egocentric. You certainly care about yourself more than anything. There are times when you care about others... as long as they're not getting in your way and it benefits you somehow. Selfish too. Gimme gimme gimme because things must go your way. You better have everything you want or someone is getting chewed out. Things must be in order the way you see fit... Do as I say, must have my way, jump when I command you or you'll have to pay basically, and you're quite Trashy. ESPECIALLY around men. Competition wise if we play that game I'll win because, well you're right. You're not me, and I am skinny, and I can take my clothes off and out do you at a party, but I can also out shine you with them on and there's the difference. Relying on your tits to win you a date is not exactly the classiest of moves. Rubbing your tits in my face (figuratively) because I have small B's and you have Triple D's doesn't spell out friend to me, nor does pointing out the men that say they prefer huge boobs to a nice anything else. Small hint dear. They also prefer skinny, outgoing girls that make them feel good about themselves over fat bitches that order them around endlessly and you'll get used just as easily as I will by a guy just looking to get laid if you pit yourself against me because all it takes is for someone to say you're better than me and you're heading to the bedroom love.

You're Flagrant, always trying to show off and no one should ever have what you have or off with their heads. Only you should look nice, if you see someone looking nicely you want what they have. I'm not telling you where I get things. Let me go buy things you have then and see how it feels. In fact I will. Rude. You don't even seem to think before you speak, or is it that you've thought and don't care? You "apologize" but excuse me if I don't find an apology muffled by laughter very easy to accept. You especially do it to the people you "love" the most. Funny to me is that in all of this you are highly Insecure, and I am convinced that this is the reasoning behind your madness. You'll have to excuse me again if I do not show pity, but insecurity is not an excuse for wicked tendencies. I have insecurities as well, but I'm not a dick to people because of it. The simple fact is that you're Easy enough to where I don't even have to be a man to get you in bed and cheating with yet another person against your "oh so beloved" fiancée. However, I much prefer it if I were a guy who actually liked women, but I'm sure my penis would hate me after you. All it takes is an attractive man who wants you in bed, and as long as he makes it sound like he's not interested in me or rather that he hasn't ever asked me out or tried to make eyes at me, perhaps not even knowing me might be better because we all know what happens when they meet you first and then see me. The only reason your legs aren't permanently spread if because they're too big to keep away from each other without some effort. Completely Narcissistic with the way you lie so easily to everyone that thought you cared about them only to make sure that the things YOU want go smoothly. Lie to Jeff so that you may be unfaithful, Lie to Mark so that he still follows you, and Lie to me so that I don't leave you, but you don't seem to think that I'm smart enough to figure it out. I'm not your lovestruck men. I already hate women as it is, you cannot play with me like the rest of the toys you call your loved ones. Disrespectful to no end especially with the fact that, and I repeat, you simply MUST think I'm an idiot to lie to me repeatedly. If you had any respect for any of us... including yourself... you'd stop, and I don't mean waiting until after the ceremony to actually be faithful. You know, like you said you would? I doubt that if you continue up until that point there would be any turning back and I even question if you could quit even now. All of the things that have happened. Every reason summed up to one word that would explain why I no longer care about you or the life you chose to live. Plain and simple. You're a fat, greedy, narcissistic Slut, and I can honestly say that I now hate you with every fiber of my being.

But you think that we're Best Friends? How could we ever be again.

"Easier Said Than Done" (Number Three)

"Changing"

I show signs of depression?

I show signs of depression.

And I told my mom about my sex life.

I'm finally honest.

I've told you about how you've hurt me by shutting me out.

I won't tell you that you hurt me the more I read your writing.

Simply because I have grown to be attached to you... and I don't know why.

You won't read this. So you'll never know how I feel.

I left him... but he's in love with me? He says he is...

Why did I have to leave for him to realize?

But I did... and it's too late for now. But maybe later.

I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore.

I'm not doing all the work. I'm not selling myself short or out.

New rules.

YOU

Approach.

Initiate.

Talk and introduce.

Friendship.

Months.

Maybe years.

Affection.

First kiss.

Taking it slow.

The time is now.

I'm beginning once again.

Confused

Confused because I hate you? But I really do care.

I think you're great. I think you're a hypocrite.

I think you're narcissistic and a liar.

You're not a very good friend.

But I confide in you. I run to you in my times of need.

In desperation I think of you first.

I cry to you. I miss you sometimes.

I read your blog and watch your videos.

You're irritating. Charming as well.

I don't trust you. I'm not at all fond of your pity. Your guilt.

I believe that's why you speak to me when you do.

Sometimes I convince myself you care though.

But you've said it many times that you are not my friend.

I know your name now, but I won't speak it.

You don't even remember the line anymore.

I think that hurts the most.

Questions... Ponderings... Idle Thoughts...

I'm not sure if I care anymore.

But what do you do when you're living a life... heading towards other sections of your life... and you don't believe in it anymore? But there's really no other options...

What do you do when you have friends that you don't trust anymore... and you really don't have faith in them or the ties between you? But you can't seem to make new ones...

What do you do when you feel alone, and you don't want to be alone, but you don't have anyone worth being around?

How do you stop isolating yourself? How do you stop giving up? How do you just stop?
And where do you find the time to figure it all out?

I don't really know what to do anymore. I've lost faith in most people including myself. So I don't know if you'll have the time to put this up at all. I don't know if you'll care to. I certainly don't wanna end up like your other friend. The one you talked about in Fucked Up Advice. Yeah I watch your youtube videos... I just never say anything anymore. For a few moments in the day I start to feel like trying... to do something... or reach out to someone... I make a phone call... or something... and then I either regret it when they pick up, or they don't pick up and I lose faith in people even more. I would think that I'm slowly sinking into actual clinical diagnosable depression... but thinking that makes me think I'm not. Who knows... Who cares... I guess.

"Easier Said Than Done" (Number Two)

"The Hate Mask"

I think I've gotten to the part where I hate you just because it's easier than being let down.

I don't even know you and I like you already. What the fuck?

I have tons of questions... I can't help but be interested in the things going on in your life.

You know I BEGGED you to make a long time dream come true. You just denied me.

You went anyway. I don't know if I can say it was behind my back, but that's how it feels.

I don't care what you say I do not believe that you have cared, can care, or will care about me.

As much as I can be angry at you the problem is that I still give a shit and I know it.

My anger and hate is not throwing me into denial internally.

It's just a mask that I have to remind myself to put on daily.

I've taken it off to call you, but when you don't answer I put it right back on and continue to curse you.

I need to learn to let people go. I have far too much faith and far to much hope. IT keeps sneaking back in...

Decode

"How did we get here?

I used to know you so well..."

Well I think I know...

You see I've stopped writing, sort of.

I'm not writing what I should be.

It used to be my outlet, my best friend, my confident.

Then it was my home, then something I just did... almost mindlessly...

It was just part of me, but now...

I'm part of nothing.

I'm surrounded by liars and fakes. People I thought I could depend on, but have yet again been proven otherwise.

I don't mean to depend on people, and of course I wouldn't be caught TRYING to be needy.

The simple fact of the matter is that 99% of people NEED social contact.

In fact 100% of the human race should have it. It's healthy.

I don't really have any strong friendships as of now. I feel lonely...

I just got asked out... by a 35 year old... that I've been seeing for a while... He doesn't act 35... but he's starting to look it. At least up close. I guess I'm his girlfriend now? And as much as I wanted to be before... I don't even know how I feel about it now...

In and Out

I'm in and out of some sort of happiness... I don't really think it's a happiness, but simply a passive contentment. Not like true contentment... more like giving up. I go through giving up for a while until I remember how much bull you're pulling and then I get angry. I'm thrown back into a fit of rage where I just curse you all and wish for your deaths. Meaning it... or at least not caring about the thought. Then I sob... to myself... and the next morning I'm giving up again. It's a rather pathetic cycle I've grown used to. There's not a thing that's going to change until you stop pretending it matters to you that I'm happy... and leave. Leave me alone. I've been trying to make you do that for a long time now. Over a month. Get the hint... I did.

The Story (In Short and Long)

She's selfish and never satisfied with what she has. She's been with someone for almost four years now. He wants to buy her a ring when he saves up enough. She says she wants to marry him, but she also wants to fool around with other guys.

"I feel like I haven't experienced much. I've only had sex with two guys and I don't wanna get married and not be able to do anything else. I feel like I'm missing out. I want to explore first, but I still wanna marry HIM in the end after I'm done."

Yeah...

So She's been cheating on him for a year or two.

There are four of us... Four friends. Us girls are supposedly best friends, the guys are supposedly best friends, and she is supposedly best friends with the single man of the two. I've liked this guy for going on seven years.

Why? I don't know.

She liked him in high school and every few months likes to bitch about how he should have asked her out back then. He has once again confessed his feelings for her after being the shy idiot that he is for all these years yet again. The confession was brought forth during a party where both participants were high and drunk. She more high. He more drunk.

As the best friend of someone when is it OK to make-out with their girlfriend/future fiancé? Well it's obviously not... It's also not quite OK to try really hard to finger her, get her to give you head, have sex with her, or any combination of the three (in this case ALL OF THE ABOVE). But he did it.

How would he feel if he knew you thought he was horrible at kissing/making-out? That you said he didn't know what he was doing at all? That he couldn't find your...

That sure makes you feel like a man, eh?

You said it was awkward and horrible and you didn't want to talk to him at all about it. Basically you claimed you wanted to pretend it never happened and move on.

This didn't happen because you refused to talk about it so he kept trying. You've made out with him at the movies. You've made out with him at his house half naked and touched yourself for him only stopping because your future husband came knocking at the door.

Now the shit has hit the fan because I tried to tell you all to fuck off, but she still wants me around... Why? You don't appear to value this friendship.

Does this say "I value you as a friend." ?

"Well.... do you want me to stop?"

"What if we just do it and don't tell you?"

"Well... could I at least take his virginity first?"

"Why are you trying to leave?"

Maybe I should check my English, but I believe the answer is... NO

After we all talked... and I let him know that if this continues I'm leaving the group... and he told you he wanted it all to stop so it wouldn't feel awkward around your soon to be fiancé and he could still be my friend and stop hurting me... and you were going to tell him that you felt the same and wanted him because "I started to let feelings develop again"

Well he "crushed you" and it "sucks" because he "opened up your feelings just to hurt you in the end" and "it would have been better if he had never kissed you in the first place" and now you're really hurt and feel like crying.

And I'm supposed to make you feel better and tell you you're right and it'll get better...

But what I can't tell you is the truth.

You gave Revilo head repeatedly and let him do things to you. He used you like I said he would and then went back to his girlfriend.

You give Axm head and let him fuck you and eat you out almost regularly and you tend to do it right before you go see your so called future husband.

You tried to date Dach, had sex with him, but he dumped you for being an emotionally abusive bitch. Good call on his part.

You hooked up with CK the night you met him. He was wasted. He avoids you now... and you were hoping I did the same that night with someone else so you wouldn't feel so easy. But I didn't. Do you feel it?

You joined a dating site and try to meet men with intentions of fucking them on the first date and also hope to find a better man instead of your four year long boyfriend who you won't break up with just in case you never find anyone else.

You talk about sex with all the guys at work and have made it clear you were willing for a few of them though now you say you won't do it because you don't want seconds from the other girl we work with... but who knows what you'll sink to at this point...

Because you let this happen just as easily.

You're such a victim... I know. I've heard it many times now.

But I have one question...

Am I the one who's easy? Am I the girl who treats men like tissue simply because I flirt with many men at once? Am I the whore based on the number of men I've slept with? None of which were at the same time AND I was single each time (when in relationships faithful though the relationships never lasted unfortunately...) and have been single for a long time while trying to eventually find a guy to be in a solid and healthy relationship with though for now I've had no luck.

Or is it you? The one lying and pretending to be faithful to someone you've been with for four years while you look for someone better? The one who has sex with other men and then tells your boyfriend you love him knowing that if he knew he would be horribly hurt and leave you forever? The one who judges men based on how big their dicks are? The one who thinks that their boyfriend may even love them enough to forgive them for all of this... But does that make it right? Does that make it OK for you to continue?

I think you'll be too fucking selfish to stop now. I'm not going to help you and I can see now that you won't help yourself.