Bio

There are things that I don't remember
and there are those that I'll never forget.
Plenty of time that I have wasted
though none of which that I regret.
Things that could have been differently done
Battles I've lost and wars I've won.
Life moves on and moments come and go.

Memories Fade and Shadows darken.
Somewhere love has lost it's spark and
elsewhere new flames burn anew.
There is a place where I am You
and You are Me where She was He
and They were us, but I think here
we've changed. Now we can see
that life moves on and moments come and go.

So on with the show.
© 2009

Inconclusive...

I have come to one of many realisations... Though I have found intense happiness as apposed to my original content feeling... I have found myself still revisiting a certain idea I once had... Or I suppose may still have... This idea is irrational simply because I have been told more than once it will likely... NEVER... happen... and while I don't much care because I am certainly enjoying my current situation... There is a small part of me inside that still holds on.

But I think this is ok. My heart goes out to you simply because I care. I like to help people and for that I am not ashamed. Just know that it was not simply because I wanted to FIX you that I care for you... Rather that I want to help because I care. I begin to care for thing long before I realise just how broken they are. While you are mending on your own I feel that I can somewhat relate on the level of pain and frustration and the fight between anger and helplessness... So many aspects I can understand... Never to feel the same way, but I can relate...

I am unsure if this is good enough... Knowing you don't want my help... Knowing I've been shut out... Perhaps temporary... Perhaps more permanently... Perhaps I care too much... But I will continue and I will always be near by...

What Do You Enjoy?

I enjoy....

• Kissing as well as Cuddles and Hugs... Especially when they come from someone special...
• Spending time with friends...
• Sleeping... Even more so if it's along side someone that I care for...
• Smiling in a general sense, but also because of something or someone wonderful....
• Writing... Singing... And playing Video Games...
• Thinking of various ways to violently massacre the people I detest...
• Laughing at people... Especially at inappropriate moments in time...
• Seeking revenge... As long as I don't carry it out... I like to make the plan as malevolent as possible....
• Being uniquely myself even if I do seem fucked up at times... I'd rather be One fucked up individual... Than be just another one of the same sorry socially acceptable clones I see daily...

Tears of Joy

I can tell you right now that ever since I can remember I have wanted to find someone special. Someone who loves me fore me. A person who is simply content with me as I am and expects nothing else. I have always wanted someone that I can do things for who will also do things for me, and that we can help each other grow, take things slowly, and in the end hope to be paired together eternally. I wanted someone who I could trust, who respects me, and who excepts me.

I've found you.

I'll simply refer to him as Scruffy for now because that is what I call him. Like a pet name. A term of endearment. He grows out his facial hair and I like his scruffy look. The unshaven just waking up scruff. He calls me Scratchy... because I took my medication and it makes me itchy a lot... It's cute... you'd have to be there....

We met in HUM 185 The Horror Film. It took me about half of the semester to get up the nerve to talk to him and the other half to ask for his number... But I am glad that on the very last day Thursday July 16th, 2009 I asked for his number and began to text him after class.

I am proud to say that he has stated he is "Happy that he had to take that 3 credits of Humanities to graduate" and I am happy that I may have taken the wrong class by mistake (I think I was supposed to take ENG 140 Horror and Science Fiction) because we never would have met. He says he feels like he knows me somehow. He feels that He's seen me and perhaps he has around campus. I am convinced that I have seen him in a dream I had once as a kid.

Sometime in elementary school I had a dream that I was a Tall, White, Male, of about college age. Details aside my family was on a game show. I was supposed to dress up to win money if I could guess what I was after I put on the costume. Looking at the materials I could already tell I would be a werewolf. I closed myself in the bathroom and dressed and though clearly in the mirror I was a werewolf I screamed out "I'm not a werewolf... I'm a... a... VAMPIRE!" Thus a Vampire busted out of a closet door and attacked me.

We have been on three small dates. Not exactly serious dates.

We attended the Art Fair together on Friday the 17th. His alternator in his truck had died right as he pulled up to my house. Poor guy. We took my car to the Fair and I proceeded to hangout with him and his friends. There after we went to his friends house in Ypsi (He drove his truck and it managed to make it there. We got rather high and I fell asleep in his arms for a good half hour. He held my hand for the first time. He stayed the night at his friends (Kaya. A guy.) because of the alternator problem. We were together from sometime between 4pm and 4:30pm until about 4AM the next day Saturday the 18th.

Later that day we then managed to go on somewhat of a a double date to see Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen with My Best friend and her Boyfriend (Whom of which no one is supposed to know about). Then Sunday the 19th we were together from sometime between 3PM and 3:30PM until about 3AM Today (Monday the 20th, Happy Birthday Amanda). We watched the Rob Zombie movie House of 1000 Corpses and I brought him No Thai Sweet and Spicy Chicken with Yoga Flame and Extra Sweet Sauce. Broccoli too. With Rice. White Rice.

We went to the post office and he showed me around Northville, Michigan which is where he lives. We also went to Starbucks and I bought us each a Strawberries and Cream Frappaccino. We arrived back at his house (Parents place. Whatever. He also has a sister. Chelsea. Older sister.) and watch South Park together, I sat on him we cuddled it was wonderful. He reached for my hand. Pulled me closer. I layed my head on him we eventually ended up laying together. We were so comfortable we opted out of changing the VHS tape to watch more south park and instead watched TV. This noght was the most wonderful night of my life that I can currently recall. Around 2:30AM today Monday the 20th of July Hs mother gave us the idea that I should probably head out before shit goes down. So he walked me out to my car... and he held me... and he hugged me... and he pulld me close.

Sometime between 2:30AM and 3AM I have offically had my first kiss.

I have been kissed before, but this was the first with him and It was EVERYTHING a first kiss should be. could rewrite history and decide that none of the others counted if I reallly felt like it. But this kiss was the most breathe taking experience of my life. Surely if my eyes currently chose to cry out this would be because I have never been this happy. I have never felt this special. I have never had this happen. I have always wanted this and now it's here.

I swear up and down that he was the Man I was in my dream. He looked like what I saw in the mirror minus the make up. We met in Horror Film Class which coudl explain the werewolves and vampires. The bathroom in his basement looks very similar to the bathroom in my dream. When I walked into it the dream flashed before my eyes suddenly and that is when I knew.

Do you believe that dreams can predict things in the future? Even if the dream seems absured or simply appears to be a typical nightmare... I think this is possible. And even if it wasn't him. It is him that I know now and I am quite content as I will ever be. Longing for a dream I never thought would be true. Today I say I'm glad I've found you.

Masochistic Tendancies

Why is pain the most inspiring emotion? Even over extreme happiness... I write more when I am sad... No matter what. I find that when I'm happy I am bursting with energy and excitment. It's difficult to explain how I feel and I'm basically just too musy enjoying my time being happy to write about it. So I guess when I'm upset or feeling hurt I sit and wollow in it... I find the time to figure out exactly how I feel and get it down on paper... I'm in no hurry except for to stop feeling this way... But it's unfortunate because I would much prefer to have vivid images of the good times I've had. Instead I have the trouble wrapped in packages. Beautiful. Tragic. Thus is me. My life. How... Absurd.

The History of My Poetry

I have been writing since I was in Seventh Grade.

While I started off well and gradually put out some pretty good stuff here and there for the first four years I was inconsistent. I would more often than not put out what I not realise was angsty bullshit.

Late Sophomore Year I started to pick up speed, but Junior Year of High School is when I truly started to shine down. From there on it's been picking up nicely I'd say. In total it's been 8 years now.

If there is but one thing I wish I could bring back from my slower years it was my eagerness to write. I would write daily and frequently. I would write in my sleep almost. In bed I would keep paper and pencil near by just in case I thought of something that I of course thought was brilliant while attempting to go to sleep. I am unsure of the true count but so far I have read damn near 200 poems that I wrote just from Seventh Grade until My Junior Year ALONE.

I am certainly starting to get back into momentum, but not quite like I used to be. Difference being that I as an Angsty, Sad, and Borderline Depressed High School Teenager... I had no real friends... People I thought I would be friends with forever who now mostly I do not associate with at all. I rarely went out of my house. All I really did was write. Currently I am proud to say I HAVE A LIFE.

I started this blog to revert back into the Auther/Poet I once was and to gain more Introversion. I'm slowly closing off to the outside world. And I like it.

Useless Talent #1: Bad Good Luck

I have excellent luck! At helping other people...

I seem to bring everyone else good luck, but when it's my turn all my luck has run dry... I don't even do it on purpose. I can help someone win the lotto... I can make a guys car start... I can do so many things (or at least have the things that happen be thought to have been due to me) for other people, but when it comes to helping myself I'm all out of ideas...

I want to be successful... I can't get a job to save my life.
I want to be in a serious relationship... I can't find anyone who wants to seriously be with me.
I just want to be happy....

Happiness is escaping me... I blog daily now... I think too much and feel the need to write SOMETHING. Often making multiple entries... in a short period of time... like right now...

Is it so unusual to feel so alone? I feel out of place and disconnected... I need attention to feel like I'm not by myself. Day by day things get worse. Even though I never really had it for myself... I think my luck has run out.

10 Firsts in Relationships

1. Where was your first kiss?
On the lips? In the area between the Stairwell and the Gym/pool area in 8th Grade

2. What did you do on your first ever date?
My first Date with an Official Boyfriend:
- Went to a movie and saw Cry_Wolf together (My Junior Year of High School)
My first date with a guy who actually asked me out on an Official Date (because no one had ever actually asked me out before):
- Went to Palio's which is an Italian restaurant. I had never been there. It was a surprise. He wouldn't tell me where we were going. He paid for everything. That was also a first... Guy asking me out, picking me up in his car, and paying for everything. He ordered for me. He even held my hand and kissed me. He made all the moves. First time ever. This February 2009.

3. How old were you when you had your first SO?
Assuming SO stands for Significant Other I will say that officially I think Mikhail was my frist SO and that was Junior Year of High School

4. What was your first huge fight in a relationship over?
You know I'm really not sure. I can tell you the first one I remember was with Eric brooks. I can't tell you what it was about...

5. What did you do on your first Valentine's Day with an SO?
- We went out to dinner

6. How old were you when you first thought you were in love (if not yet - puppy love)?
- High School... this questionnaire is slowly becoming depressing...

7. When was the first time someone said they were in love with you?
Eric Brooks said he thought he was.

8. How long did your first relationship last?
First Official one lasted 5 months Unofficially and 4 months Officially.

9.Why did your first relationship end?
He screamed at me to get the fuck away from him and we stopped talking for a year and 3 months exactly when he then told me it was because he was an idiot who cared too much what his friends thought and they hated m so he had to get rid of me and that was the only way he could do it. Stupid.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight? (not exactly a first, but still a valid question)
I like to believe that anything is possible... But I can't say I know.

Insensitive

Something is wrong with me...

I have to be some kind of fucked up to be able to watch a woman be chased around by a serial killer who wants her baby... and be angry at her for being too much of an idiot to properly defend herself... and not much care that she gets her stomach cut open with scissors starting at her belly button and the woman takes her baby while she lays dead and gutted on the stairs...

At least I cringed for that part...

I watched two women get chased and hunted down... made fun of them for being idiots... and laughed while they died. Anyone seen Wolf Creek (Australian Horror)?

Granted these are just movies and the people did not really die. They're actors/actresses... But is it not wrong? What would I have done if it had been a real documentation found by someone and these things had really happened to these people? Would I still be allowed to laugh? Would I laugh? Money says I just might...

So am I wrong?

Am I wrong for thinking that given the thought that this is real I would be only angry that these woman are too fucking dumb to save themselves? Not caring that they got killed? Is it wrong that I laughed at the woman getting creamed by the buss in Final Destination? Or the lady throwing herself infront of a moving train in Hostel? Even the man commiting suicide at the very beginning of The Grudge made me giggle.

Why is death funny?

Am I being immature or am I just an asshole? Sadistic and twisted? Just plain bitchy? Whatever.... The bitch dropped the gun she found down a well. She pushed her car into a crater and didn't think to push the scary guys car in with hers. She shot him once and hit him in the back with the gun once she couldn't figure outhow to shoot it a second time.

First of all hit him in the fucking head. Bash his fucking head in if you're gonna beat him... He was way too big ad fucking fat fo the one hit in his back to really fuck him up. She missed and only shot his neck and only grazing the side. She knocked him out but he didn't die. She could have grabbed a different gun he had an arsenal right there in the room she shot him in. Bullets and everything everywhere. He was unconscious. Fuck this guy up.

Lesson number two. Going back for your friends gets your ass killed with them. Fuck my friends. You gotta be damn important for me to not leave your ass once someone starts picking us off. I can think of three people that I might stay with and they're all men. This is because I want to have their babies. I'm sorry. Fuck my friends. Survival of the fucking fittest. I'm not in any shape to help anyone. I don't even weigh 120 pounds. I can't fight if you paid me. I've seen a shot gun before but never shot it. I havn't seen any other type of gun in person. I can't handle a weapon. How the fuck am I gonna save anyone? I could likely barely get my ass out of there. I'd have to have a damn good plan to help anyone else.

So you see my problem... Personally I think it's about time I became a self-centered prick. but still. Horror movies? Step it up people.

So Sweet I Wanna Kick You In The Shins Until Candy Comes Out...

Men.

What a pleasent disaster you are.

You with your broad shoulders and deep voices.
You with your facial hair not out of place.
You with your strength and hidden emotions.
You with your double header way of thinking.
You with your dicks.

I have come to hate men though everyday I grow to love them more and more.

I have found myself crying myself to sleep over you.
I have found myself hating other women because of you.
I have found myself frustrated by you.
I have found myself missing you.
I have found myself wishing you would all just go die.

There are too many men.

How can I know what you want or how you feel if you do not communicate to me?
This means to me you do not want me. I believe if a man wants something he knows how to get it. If he does not know he will try and try to figure out the way. He will not ask for help though he may need it. However, he will not give up if he truly wants this thing. And sometimes if he starts to get desperate he will actually ask for help.

Do men every really give up that easily?

So why should I fight for your attention?
So why should I have to throw myself in your face to be noticed?
So why should I be the one trying so hard?
So why should I feel like no men truly want me...

Because no one is trying very hard for me...
All of the men just disappear...

I know I said there are too many men. Yes too many attractive men are around and I have a hard time keeping up. However, when it comes to the men who are attracted to me... in more than just a physical fuck my brains out way... Slim to none my friends.

Slim to none.

Wo Ai Ni

I never thought I'd have to come back to the part where I forgot how to love someone... The problem is this.

How do you love someone you're not sure how to love? How can you love someone you're not sure will return the feeling? Is love so different from hate? Love... is obsession? In a way... But really How do you love someone that doesn't want to be loved?

I guess the answer is you don't... But how can you just stop loving them? How do you know it is love? How do you know it is not longing? Well it is longing. But lovve sounds nicer. Maybe Love is the hope of what can break out? By saying it's love maybe it will become love. But that doesn't help the person that doesn't want it. Or what if you don't want it but it's happening....

I forgot... I forgot how to feel.
I don't know how I feel about anyone.
I have guesses and these guesses are not helpful in any way.
I'm confused and I can tell just be reading over this entry. I have no clue what I'm trying to say...

Silence

Breaking is what I do best. I confess that I make such a mess of myself
because I can't help but get back up.
I'm feeling the pressure this time. I'm confined to this space that I've saved
for myself just to give you some room.
I'm confused. See, I thought your intentions were different than most.
Not another joke. Not another reason to choke on my kindness. Enslaved.

Breaking free in this moment I thought I could capture it's golden rays of
triumph. But alas I must just continue to move on.
Stay strong. Maybe take a vacation far away to a place where my face is remembered.
I know that I'm winning this time. Head above water. Body submerged.
No more tests. Reassurance encouraged. Instant gratification.
A new revelation. Discovering me, myself, and who I've been lately.

I don't see me. Nothing clearly visible. Understanding nothing and feeling irrational.
Mirrors report no findings, but left behind me broken promises, and past reflections.
Empty words I find scattered across paper and screen lossing meaning...
Gaurded ideas, hidden thoughts, left over and rundown emotions.
Slowly fade in, stop static, get focused, relax and just. BREATHE.

I'm back.
© 2009

Bullshit and Band-Aids

Verse One:
There was a time
when I was innocent
and growing.

I spent my days and nights
in my own world
unknowing.

That soon my life
would take a fall.
Come closer to ending it all,
And all these days
I've wasted left
nothing for showing.

Chorus:
I'm holding on
to everything I
used to know now.

This time
I've gotta be strong.
For every part of me
will come to know how
I can't let things go.

Verse Two:
Then came a time
when I was broken
and unfolding.

I spent my nights and days
in darkness
slowly closing.

I had my life
against a wall.
One more step left to end it all,
And every day
was wasted fighting
through the mourning.

Chorus:
I'm holding on
to everything I
used to know now.

This time
I've gotta be strong.
For every part of me
will come to know how
I can't let things go.

Bridge:
It never was so simple.
I never was complex.
You thought you could see through me
and look on to the next.
Next victim. Your lamb.
I've seen you. I demand the truth.
No more bullshit and band-aids...

Verse Three:
This is the time
I take a stand
and stop pretending.

I spent my every
waking moment
understanding.

But now my life
is picking up.
Tonight your karma brings bad luck,
And all the days
that I've got left
are mine for owning.

Ending Chorus:
Cause I was holding on
to everything I
used to know now.

This time
I'm gonna be strong.
Now every part of me
has got to know...

I'm letting it all go.
Just... Go.
© 2009

Talent in Progress #1: Keeping my Distance

He's like a new John
Only this time... I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with him.
So far I only miss him sometimes.

Sometimes men are no good to be around. I just hate how they make me feel... even the good parts... because I know it always ends in the bad parts.
Nothing good can come of us.

I think I'm making a strong attempt to keep things in control here. After all I can't even see him.

I have a bad history of loving people who don't love me, liking those who don't like me, caring for those who don't care, and feeling for those who have no feelings left. I date assholes and broken rejects. I like the rejects better... The only problem with dating the rejects is that I got to them too late so they're already too beat up to care much anymore. I end up being the girl who was too good too late. Assholes just kind of disappear after our relationship evolves to the sex stage. Hit it a few times... Pretend that feelings have deepend... then vanish. Broken hearts I can't fix? Fine. Empty spaces with no answers left? Not ok.

I'm just no longer listening. No longer looking. Disconnecting... So I can be here but not really BE here. Maybe now I won't go out broken again.

"Do you remember when you told me.. 'I just.. cry... all the time...'?"

My uncle said this to me just after I had graduated High School... But I have no recollection of this conversation... though at times it starts to peak through.

I do, however, know that it was true. I often did nothing but cry... Most of it was crying myself to sleep... Most of it was because of the men that hurt me... Most of it was because I was always alone...

I'm not here for pity.

I'm here to tell the truth.

I wasn't the pretty girl.
I wasn't the smart one.
I wasn't the anything.
Except...

• The ugly one.
  
• The weird one.
• The (supposedly but not really because it was all their heads) creepy stalker one

First of all I can say I may have not been the most beautiful little girl growing up, though my mother may have made a point to try to convince me I was, but I certainly had feelings... I can also admit that yes I was in fact weird... I just never thought that being different was so unforgiving. But most importantly I can certainly say that I have never stalked anyone in my life. It just so happens that the two people that seriously without a hint of joking accused me of this... also happen to be idiots.

The first one simply accusing me of this.. based on what grounds I'm unsure... Because I was afraid to be anywhere near him. I talked about him and I suppose that is stalkerish... I happen to know where his home room is and who his homeroom teacher is.. but there were only four homerooms... and my homeroom was his homeroooms sort of buddy because we kind of... did that... buddy homeroom.. thing... I talked to his best friend plenty... because he was my friend too. But never when they were together. In fact I avoided him like the plague. Opposite of Stalking... in fact exact opposite I'd say. He left me a note in my locker saying that I was obsessed with him and I really need to stop because it creeps him out... I don't even know where his locker was, but he knew where mine was. I stalk him. Clever.

The other guy was ayear older than me and had developed a hangout spot that in turn ended up being right by my locker the year I joined High School. So because I visited my locker daily and often... and happen to notice him there each time... I am a stalker. I am THE stalker. Because searching for me for two days straight, asking me where I've been all week, trying to get my number and calling me everyday, telling me to call you and then asking me to write you a four page letter, and me doing as you ask makes me a total stalker.

I am obsessed.
Really.
I should get help.

People felt sorry for the guys I liked... because it was the worst thing to ever happen to a guy when I set my sights on them...

I got bored one night and because I had no friends back then I just called everyone that I knew. One guy picked up... One that I had liked for ages but have actually never told... This is a big thing for me... Anyway I called him and he answered. I of course said hello where he then replied Who is this? I told him that it was his worst nightmare and laughed. He then said "Oh, Hi Kiara... Why are you calling me?" I uh... told him I was bored and he proceeded to chuckle and tell me to never call him again.

You know I think that he took it rather well...

The second guy actually freaked out and hung up after I said I was his worst nightmare... Then his father called back to cuss me out... I was Ten...

I mean seriously... Twenty year old me says "What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously. What kind of guy are you that you can't take a joke and need your dad to come cuss out a ten year old? First of all, we're like the same age. Second, grow a pair. Honestly."

I was made fun of endlessly. First it was my teeth. I have or had an overbite. I think I still have it but I grew into it now... Then it was "I'm annoying", I was then told that I should go get with the smelliest kid in class who was only beneath me in the popularity chain because he was insane and creepy and absolutely no one would deal with him except for one kid who not even he liked.

Now I know it sounds harsh for me to talk poorly about other kids when I was always treated pretty shitty as well, but to be honest I'm not going to feel bad. They weren't any nicer to me back than than I was to them. The thing is I am not about to be stuck at the bottom where everyone hates me when I can say fuck you to the "nerd and geeks" and have SOMEONE respect me even a little. Because had I decided to try being friends with them they would have ditched me too and then I would be at the bottom. I learned that the hard way.

I realize how fucked up that sounds, but I don't know anyone that can truly deny doing the same at least once. If you think you can you're in denial. Period.

I gained true friends late... Charles reappeared in Seventh Grade. Colin was soemone I thought was my friend, but deep down he really wasn't until High School. I've pretty much lost them both since I graduated. To be honest with myself I'm not sure if I have any right now even... My best friend would hate me for sayign that and it would probably end our friendship... but that just goes to show how fragile it is which brings in the question... how true is our friendship if you can so easily end it simply because it was questioned?

Regardless I was a loser in many peoples eyes. But I found out the truth over four years of what I think everyone knows to be a growing period. At least.. that's what it should be I think. And that's what it was. For me.

I could die today... I could wish it....

But I could never truly want it...

It always seems like it would be so much easier than living...

This doesn't make it easier...

I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid of what will happen. Afraid to find out. Afraid it will be nothing...

I'm afraid of nothing...ness...

I am simply afraid
Afraid of...

• Being alone
• Dying
• Dying alone
• Not existing
• Not feeling
• Not seeing
• Being unaware

So I spend my time finding anything to do to not feel alone or be alone. I can't stand the dark though I love the night. If I cannot see I panic and I don't like feeling out of the loop. I want to know everything. I want to be aware of everything around me. See everything feel it all and know what is going on. Remedy? Maybe... I feel it is a placebo.