"Looks Better on a Resume"

How much does the real you care?
Do you even know?

"Davlin" Is NOT my Friend [?]

How often have you felt like this... Broken... Doll that has to either hide from all the other toys or pretend it's just as good as them even though fit certainly doesn't it in. "A lot, actually. That's how you feel now?" I've been pretending not to feel this way for a while (which never works for long, obviously). There's a lyric from Smile Empty Soul that says 'It's OK to be who you are, but don't pretend to smile' Funny how it makes me...

You're frustrating... "Why does everyone always say that" For me... It's because you understand everything. When I talk to you I don't feel like I'm wasting my time trying to explain things. You just get it. It's comforting. But you avoid the shit out of me. I know you do there's no other way around it. Maybe I am quite overwhelming... But I'm just reaching out trying not to give up and you're (one of the people anyway) what I caught hold of. It's not all that easy to find someone understanding. Not for me.

You're part of the problem because you refuse to be [part of] the solution that you really are. That I've seen you are, and this would likely only make you shy away more. Me saying this. But it pisses me off. Because I'm getting to the point where it's like... What the FUCK do I have going for me? Nothing.

Everyone I thought was good isn't. Everyone that is... [well, they] all leave. You're no different. Because you're scared. Why is this, like, my destiny to find people who are either afraid to get close to me or don't want to... Or they're not good people to get close to... and would only hurt me. The people that want to get close to me are not very good people. Ever. It's fucking retarded. I'm angry. I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I feel exhausted, and I just want to stop everything. I don't feel like doing anything ever because what good does it do? Why go to school, why work, why even leave my bed? There's no good reason.

"Because you're trying to find it in other people, or make them fit that role. That's something that needs to come from yourself" "Do you think that's easy to do with no friends? I don't. Self exploration was easy when I thought my friend network was in tact." "No, it's something you do when you have no one." "It only hurts more this way."

Maybe if you hadn't started out so friendly this would be easier. Who were you when we first talked? Cause you weren't Davlin. I mean what, was that *** I met and then Davlin came back overnight?

"I'm schizophrenic, you really can't tell? I've got my own problems. You read my stuff, I'm a fuckin mess."

I'm supposed to know you're schizophrenic? I'm just supposed to know by reading your blog and texting you? Talking to you on the phone sometimes? I'd have to see you regularly in person to know that. I didn't ask you to save me or solve my problems. I asked you to not drive me [fucking] nuts by acting nice and then telling me you're not my friend, and then telling me you care and apologizing, and then telling me you're not my damn friend.

"You're right, I've been a friend tease. I'm sorry."

Used to It

I'm used to excuses.
I'm used to people taking quite a long time to decide that they care enough to contact them at least 15 days ago (and usually even longer).
I'm used to pity.
I'm used to people talking to me because they feel "guilty" for ignoring me when all I've ever tried to do is support them and be there for them. To be a friend.
I'm used to "I'm sorry."
I'm used to people saying it. Constantly apologizing with no real meaning to it. Because if it meant that much to them there would eventually be no need for such things simply because they would have stopped repeating the same mistake ages ago.

I am used to giving up.
I am used to people messing up and screwing me over so often that I constantly lose faith in people in general. No matter how hard I try to never lose hope.
I am used to faking it.
I am used to people never noticing that I am only asking them the basic generic questions that one asks when they care, but I don't, and I hate it when they answer the question as though I was being sincere. I never cared about your answer at that point.

I've gotten used to people taking a while to realize that perhaps something is wrong. Asking "Are you OK?" when the answer is quite apparent.
I've gotten used to being generic, dull, and negative once I begin to give up on people. "Who's the lucky girl these days." Notice the lack of a Question mark. Instead I placed a period indicating that I really don't care to hear the answer though you gave it to me anyway... "That's nice." "Has its moments." "Don't they all."

I've gotten used to the idea that I have problems.

• Depressed:
  As far as I'm concerned this is as good as it gets.
  It's a hard cycle to break.
  
  
• Emotionally Dysfunctional:
  Looks better on a resume.

Neither one will be put on mine. My mother suggests I seek counseling. I think not. "Why not?" Maybe I'm in denial, or perhaps I simply am not too keen on the idea of telling some random person all of my business and personal thoughts knowing that not only are they going to be taking notes, judging me, and then turn around, tell me what's wrong with me, and get PAID for it! But that this is supposed to help me...
If I wanted to complain to a real person I'd just call one of my crappy friends. "Well, that's obviously not working for you. You need someone that doesn't know you who is trained and impartial."
I've gotten used to people telling ME what I need. I've come to the conclusion that I can figure that out on my own just fine. I don't call my so called friends. I don't because they're part of the problem. I call one person (family members not included). That's it now. No one else is true, and no one else is there for me.

But I'm fine by myself.
I'm used to it.

Dreaming

I would LOVE to be like Guy, or Paula Dean's sons, and travel around the country... NO. Around the WORLD. I would KILL to travel around the WORLD and visit new places specifically to eat up all their food and tell people how amazing it tastes.

I'm the kind of person where I'll try pretty much ANY food once. I hate fish. You make me fish? I'll taste it. I may not finish it all, but that's why they call it a TASTE.

I also think it's unfair that these people make millions eating other peoples food, giving their opinions, and filming it... I know they do other stuff... but that alone makes them tons of money.

I WANT THAT!

P.S. I want a Shake Weight... Don't judge me >.>

Good Question

You're too... Bitchy. You go from calm to complain in two seconds over pretty much nothing. When you ask for a favor you bitch about the way it's being done. I've never heard you say thank you for anything I've done for you. Saying bless you when you sneeze and you thanking me for that is hardly worth using as an argument against my last statement. I mean you're just so Egocentric. You certainly care about yourself more than anything. There are times when you care about others... as long as they're not getting in your way and it benefits you somehow. Selfish too. Gimme gimme gimme because things must go your way. You better have everything you want or someone is getting chewed out. Things must be in order the way you see fit... Do as I say, must have my way, jump when I command you or you'll have to pay basically, and you're quite Trashy. ESPECIALLY around men. Competition wise if we play that game I'll win because, well you're right. You're not me, and I am skinny, and I can take my clothes off and out do you at a party, but I can also out shine you with them on and there's the difference. Relying on your tits to win you a date is not exactly the classiest of moves. Rubbing your tits in my face (figuratively) because I have small B's and you have Triple D's doesn't spell out friend to me, nor does pointing out the men that say they prefer huge boobs to a nice anything else. Small hint dear. They also prefer skinny, outgoing girls that make them feel good about themselves over fat bitches that order them around endlessly and you'll get used just as easily as I will by a guy just looking to get laid if you pit yourself against me because all it takes is for someone to say you're better than me and you're heading to the bedroom love.

You're Flagrant, always trying to show off and no one should ever have what you have or off with their heads. Only you should look nice, if you see someone looking nicely you want what they have. I'm not telling you where I get things. Let me go buy things you have then and see how it feels. In fact I will. Rude. You don't even seem to think before you speak, or is it that you've thought and don't care? You "apologize" but excuse me if I don't find an apology muffled by laughter very easy to accept. You especially do it to the people you "love" the most. Funny to me is that in all of this you are highly Insecure, and I am convinced that this is the reasoning behind your madness. You'll have to excuse me again if I do not show pity, but insecurity is not an excuse for wicked tendencies. I have insecurities as well, but I'm not a dick to people because of it. The simple fact is that you're Easy enough to where I don't even have to be a man to get you in bed and cheating with yet another person against your "oh so beloved" fiancée. However, I much prefer it if I were a guy who actually liked women, but I'm sure my penis would hate me after you. All it takes is an attractive man who wants you in bed, and as long as he makes it sound like he's not interested in me or rather that he hasn't ever asked me out or tried to make eyes at me, perhaps not even knowing me might be better because we all know what happens when they meet you first and then see me. The only reason your legs aren't permanently spread if because they're too big to keep away from each other without some effort. Completely Narcissistic with the way you lie so easily to everyone that thought you cared about them only to make sure that the things YOU want go smoothly. Lie to Jeff so that you may be unfaithful, Lie to Mark so that he still follows you, and Lie to me so that I don't leave you, but you don't seem to think that I'm smart enough to figure it out. I'm not your lovestruck men. I already hate women as it is, you cannot play with me like the rest of the toys you call your loved ones. Disrespectful to no end especially with the fact that, and I repeat, you simply MUST think I'm an idiot to lie to me repeatedly. If you had any respect for any of us... including yourself... you'd stop, and I don't mean waiting until after the ceremony to actually be faithful. You know, like you said you would? I doubt that if you continue up until that point there would be any turning back and I even question if you could quit even now. All of the things that have happened. Every reason summed up to one word that would explain why I no longer care about you or the life you chose to live. Plain and simple. You're a fat, greedy, narcissistic Slut, and I can honestly say that I now hate you with every fiber of my being.

But you think that we're Best Friends? How could we ever be again.

"Easier Said Than Done" (Number Three)

"Changing"

I show signs of depression?

I show signs of depression.

And I told my mom about my sex life.

I'm finally honest.

I've told you about how you've hurt me by shutting me out.

I won't tell you that you hurt me the more I read your writing.

Simply because I have grown to be attached to you... and I don't know why.

You won't read this. So you'll never know how I feel.

I left him... but he's in love with me? He says he is...

Why did I have to leave for him to realize?

But I did... and it's too late for now. But maybe later.

I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore.

I'm not doing all the work. I'm not selling myself short or out.

New rules.

YOU

Approach.

Initiate.

Talk and introduce.

Friendship.

Months.

Maybe years.

Affection.

First kiss.

Taking it slow.

The time is now.

I'm beginning once again.