"Davlin" Is NOT my Friend [?]

How often have you felt like this... Broken... Doll that has to either hide from all the other toys or pretend it's just as good as them even though fit certainly doesn't it in. "A lot, actually. That's how you feel now?" I've been pretending not to feel this way for a while (which never works for long, obviously). There's a lyric from Smile Empty Soul that says 'It's OK to be who you are, but don't pretend to smile' Funny how it makes me...

You're frustrating... "Why does everyone always say that" For me... It's because you understand everything. When I talk to you I don't feel like I'm wasting my time trying to explain things. You just get it. It's comforting. But you avoid the shit out of me. I know you do there's no other way around it. Maybe I am quite overwhelming... But I'm just reaching out trying not to give up and you're (one of the people anyway) what I caught hold of. It's not all that easy to find someone understanding. Not for me.

You're part of the problem because you refuse to be [part of] the solution that you really are. That I've seen you are, and this would likely only make you shy away more. Me saying this. But it pisses me off. Because I'm getting to the point where it's like... What the FUCK do I have going for me? Nothing.

Everyone I thought was good isn't. Everyone that is... [well, they] all leave. You're no different. Because you're scared. Why is this, like, my destiny to find people who are either afraid to get close to me or don't want to... Or they're not good people to get close to... and would only hurt me. The people that want to get close to me are not very good people. Ever. It's fucking retarded. I'm angry. I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I feel exhausted, and I just want to stop everything. I don't feel like doing anything ever because what good does it do? Why go to school, why work, why even leave my bed? There's no good reason.

"Because you're trying to find it in other people, or make them fit that role. That's something that needs to come from yourself" "Do you think that's easy to do with no friends? I don't. Self exploration was easy when I thought my friend network was in tact." "No, it's something you do when you have no one." "It only hurts more this way."

Maybe if you hadn't started out so friendly this would be easier. Who were you when we first talked? Cause you weren't Davlin. I mean what, was that *** I met and then Davlin came back overnight?

"I'm schizophrenic, you really can't tell? I've got my own problems. You read my stuff, I'm a fuckin mess."

I'm supposed to know you're schizophrenic? I'm just supposed to know by reading your blog and texting you? Talking to you on the phone sometimes? I'd have to see you regularly in person to know that. I didn't ask you to save me or solve my problems. I asked you to not drive me [fucking] nuts by acting nice and then telling me you're not my friend, and then telling me you care and apologizing, and then telling me you're not my damn friend.

"You're right, I've been a friend tease. I'm sorry."