Done With Games (It's Called Growing Up)

Lately I have been feeling ignored. I was told to fight fire with fire.

"Ignore his calls and texts. Don't talk to him."

How childish. I feel that communication is important in a relationship. I don't simply mean in a coupled relationship. Family, friendships, co-workers, everyone must communicate if they are to interact at all. So if you do not like me then you can tell me. I do not need to play this game where I ignore you because I feel ignored. I want to simply hear it from you, or get the message. Granted at this point the case is pointing at we are both suddenly very busy and it is making together time difficult to scrape up.

I've said this many times lately and I feel the need to say it yet again. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. You can tell me you don't feel this way anymore and I won't go crazy. But I'm getting too old for games. I may only be twenty, but once you graduate high school it's time to cut the bullshit.

I told my friend that while I appreciate her concern I'm not up for that sort of behavior. I will just discuss my status when I see him next. I need to be mature. If ever there was an area where I knew how to behave maturely it would be this. Honesty is key, I've got a guarantee.

"Easier Said Than Done" (Number One)

"Worrying About Someone New"

A friend of mine suggested that I do this after hearing about a current dilemma. I have been seeing this... Man/Boy since July 16th. As of late our "randez-vous" have been slim to none. He has cracked the mask I've worn for two long years. I wasn't even aware until I met him.

I am left vulnerable and trusting, but I feel that I am being let down once again.

I do not feel missed. I no longer feel special. I wonder often how much I matter or ever did.

I am working now. I have a job finally and so does he. I am a waitress and he washes dishes. We do not work at the same place. Not even in the same city. He works very late. He has to wake up very early. I don't know when he's free ever. I have gone yet another week without seeing him. It is all I can think of and it is breaking me apart. I have felt this so many times and I stayed away for so many years only to be revisited.

So she says it's time to move on. To worry about someone else. How can you do that with someone you've grown so fond of? It never gets easier. All I have is hope, love... It's never going to be simple to give up on someone you care about. Not in the slightest. Based on experience I should walk away now. However, I've never been one to listen to that. Walking away seems to hurt just as bad. Instead of worrying about someone else and pretending that he no longer exists I have opted to bite the bullet. I will see him at least one more time before this is all said and done. I will confront my fears. I will see if I am correct or if I am simply being psyched out by the face I now see. This mask-less face that I thought I could hide from. I'm not sure what it is anymore. But perhaps it is getting the best of me.

Honesty, Honestly.

I made a mistake and I wouldn't apologize. I refused simply because upon making the mistake I was verbally attacked, and I do not believe I deserved the assault for my mistake. I was not given the chance to apologize before being jumped at.

Had I been given the chance I would have apologized right away. However, You can't blow up at me for making a mistake before I even have the chance to say sorry and expect me to just tuck my tail and apologize.

I spent the rest of the night furious while you made snide remarks of me being a Bitch, an Idiot, "It's like talking to a brick wall", "I don't need to be hit on anymore anyway" You were very mature about it all.

I sat through the movie feeling out casted. I felt alone though sitting next to three of my so called friends. I say this because we started out arriving at the mall as friends and upon me making a small mistake and being instantly reprimanded I was then told that I should apologize first. Why? Because I am the one who started it by making the mistake.

Correct me if I'm wrong but without initial malicious intent I am not entirely the wrong one here. Now If I had made said mistake and then laughed at it and didn't care and initially refused to apologize THEN you have every right to get angry with me and retaliate. You paused and gave me the chance to say gosh I'm sorry and I laughed in your face and refused. However, this is not the case. Therefore, I will not be first to make amends. I made the mistake and upon turning around to find that I had indeed caused a commotion I was then screamed at and pushed before I could even part my lips to let the apology crawl through. I will not be treated like a dog.

If an animal gets into something that it is not supposed to, regardless of if it knew whether or not it was proper, you scold it. "Look what you've done! Bad ::Insert pet here::!" I am not a fucking animal. I am not your pet. Do not treat me this way. The initial response for a pet is to then go hide off somewhere for a while, sulk, and later return to your presence and nudge you or something as a sign of saying "Are you still mad? I didn't mean it. We still friends?" However, I will not do that. For again. I am not your fucking pet.

I am a human being I know without you telling me when I have made such an obvious mistake. All that takes to get my attention in this situation is perhaps an "Oh my gosh!" Or a "What the hell!" and I will turn around, look at you, see what I have done, and apologize. If I am just plain rude then I will not apologize. A simple "Oops. :: Shrug ::" Is all you're getting. That right there is a Bitch thing to do.

Now, before I even had the chance to turn around and realize what had happened you have shoved me and called me said "Bitch". Well if I am then why ever would I apologize. I am a bitch. You have said it yourself. So there will be no apology from me. You do not see this as wrong for you have assumed that I have done this to you on purpose. I have not. Assuming is a shitty thing to do. This means that you believe that I am just that rude. Now I am insulted. I do not apologize to people who insult me.

I can agree that this is a stupid argument simply for the fact that I know what I did is not something to fight over, however, it is also not a reason for you to push me and call me a bitch. I also know that it is simply because it was me who did it. If it had been one of our other two friends you would have done the initial "What the hell" and they would have apologized and it would be over now. But it isn't. You didn't. So not only have you insulted me but you are singling me out yet again. This is a regular occurrence. This is not the first time. However, it will be the last.

After the movie I have gone home. Yes I am still angry. No I have still not apologized. No I do not think you deserve me to. I have written a letter, however, and I will eventually have you reading it. Or perhaps listening as I speak it. It reads:

"I'm sorry that I spilled the sprite all over you. It was a mistake. I wasn't looking when I pulled it away. I had turned away from you right before you started drinking and pulled so I didn't know you're lips were even on it yet. But I'm not apologizing because I want to make up. I don't even want to hear your apology.

I'm apologizing because I wanted to BEFORE you decided to flip out on me. Because it really was an accident and I really didn't do it on purpose. I am tired of trying with you at this point. I can honestly say that if it had been anyone else you wouldn't have flipped out like that. You may have said "What the fuck!" and they would have simply said "Oh my God dude, I'm sorry... it was an accident." You may have been bothered but you would've gotten over it. Yet as it is with everything I do you chose to just assume I'm an evil bitch and I had a malicious intent.

I have done nothing but try to gain your acceptance for the past 6 or so years. I tried being EXTRA UBER nice to your dog not even getting mad when he hurts me by scratching my legs when he jumps up on me to greet me. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but hey, I didn't spill the drink on purpose either and you still flipped out on me.

I try dressing nicely to get at LEAST a "You look nice" out of you, but instead you just bitch at me about how I shouldn't have worn that outfit if I didn't want Berg (your dog) to mess it up. "I should have known better. I knew there was a dog in the house."

I try to drive as often as possible and pick at least A***** up so that you don't have to. I never charged you once for gas. I never required it. You did give me five dollars once in high school but you chose to and I told you you didn't have to. Yet every time I need a ride you want to charge me ten dollars which is not even how much it costs to pick me up and/or take me home.

I thought about paying for your ticket tonight, but you decided to make a snide remark about how A***** could pay for you with her five dollar bill, yet mentioned that I couldn't as if I didn't have the money because you only saw me with a one dollar bill and change which I had only had out because I already counted out my $1.75 for my ticket and put my money away. I in fact did have well over enough because I made money off of tips this week. You wouldn't know that because you never talk to me unless I'm with A***** and you don't really ask me anything about my life.

I know you seem to think it's hilarious to do things that A***** asks you to do, and then when I ask the same refuse simply because it's me, but honestly it gets old fast. Seriously M**** how would you feel if someone constantly told someone else how amazing they are and acted like you're not there, basically saying right to your face that this other person is far more superior in every way compared to you, did every little thing for them just about, even as simple as tell them the time when they ask, but if you want to know what time it is well you're shit out of luck simply because it's you...

Everything I ask of you or any idea I suggest you veto until A***** says she wants to do it. No this isn't EVERY TIME and I know you're doing it to mess with me (at least I should hope you're not seriously that cold), but you do it so frequently that it starts digging in deep. I didn't ask for "tickets to the gun show" because I feel like I shouldn't have to ask. You didn't make A***** ask. Yet again it's just another little teasing thing you do that I don't understand. You'll do something for someone else without them even asking, but I pretty much have to beg you for the same service you just offered someone else.

I don't even think you realise how hard I try to impress you in some way. Or maybe you do and that's why you act this way. You honestly treat me differently than anyone else. Even the people you've JUST met. I KNOW that you don't find me attractive M***, but as hard as I try you'd think you could at least be nice more regularly so that it's not such a surprise and catches me off guard when you are, and perhaps not put me down and make me feel like crap almost every time I see you.

Especially on days like this. When you're actually being nice to me and we are getting along pretty well and I'm actually some what happy. I can't do ANYTHING wrong because if I make one small mistake like accidentally spilling the sprite then you blow up at me and hate me for the rest of the week pretty much.

It'd be nice to actually be treated like I'm your friend. Or at least be honest and tell me that you don't want to be my friend at all. Then at least A***** can stop reassuring me that you give a shit in the least.


P.S.
You can't get over the fact that "I complain about A*** flirting yet I flirt too"
Everyone flirts M***. That is not my point.

A*** was originally supposed to be A*****'s good friend. Correct me if I'm wrong but I was told that originally A*** came over because she was J***'s girlfriend and you guys invited J*** over. A*** and A** apparently hit it off and were supposed to be good friends since. A***** would invite A*** over and they would hangout, but A*** decided she wanted to be one of the guys because that's just how she feels she fits in. Fine.

What's not fine is that what A*** is doing is basically like this:

Say J*** and A***** live together and you all come over their house all the time. Well I'm A*****'s friend right? So say I come over. I say "Hi" to A***** one time basically just to show I noticed she's there.

Then I come and I hangout with J*** and all you guys the entire time, drinking, smoking, whatever. All the while hitting on everyone and being over dramatic all the time just to get attention. A***** gets in an argument with J*** and is really upset. I'm supposed to be A*****'s friend so I should go after her and make sure she's OK right? But No. I wanna hangout with all of you guys and honestly don't give two shits about what's going on. So I just say "Well I'm her friend so I guess I HAVE to go after her..." and reluctantly I go off to find her.

That's fucking rude. I'm A*****'s friend so I should be there for her. Not ignoring her most of the time only hanging out with everyone else and reluctantly being there for her because I guess I have to since I'm supposed to be her friend. I think A*** is selfish.

Your problem is that you think that I'm just a big flirt who uses men just to have fun and toy with them. You also think that A*** is very attractive. Therefore, when A*** is hanging out with you guys you don't even notice the flirting as much AND you think she's cool because she's the only one of us girls that actually likes beer, smokes with you guys, and pretty much agrees with everything you say. You also don't mind when she flirts with you because again you think she's pretty.

On the other hand you think that I'm just a bitch who thinks that A*** is in my territory, or I'm jealous or something. Even though you've known me longer.

What I think is that not only is it shitty that all of you guys just assumed that about me, but I've known you all for 6 years now except for A*** because I don't think I met him Freshman year... Pretty sure it was after that. You've all known A*** since... this year maybe last year? After we graduated. Yet you trust her more.

You all made the assumption that because I flirt with guys a lot this means I'm using them. When what you don't know, because you only see me flirt in front of you and then never see what happens later, is that simply because I happen to find men very attractive and there are many attractive men around does not mean that I am just guy hoping and hurting guys left and right breaking hearts.

I long for a relationship like J*** and A*****'s (minus the arguing) where I can stay with someone for years and years and have them love me just as much as I love them and make it special. What you miss after the flirting is that I always flirt with a guy looking for a relationship and end up getting used and dumped. But you guys treat me like I'm the bad guy. Like I'm just some whore who goes around flirting, trapping, fucking guys and leaving them. They all leave me. I'm the one left wondering why they didn't want me. So while you're busy warning all your new guy friends about me saying that "I might try to hit on them and I'm bad news" and "be careful" because oh your new friends are nice guys and you don't want me to hurt them. I'm the one getting hurt looking for a nice guy while you're all trying to hide the nice guys you make friends with from me.

It's shitty because you all act like I don't have feelings and that I'm just out to hurt people. You've all known me for so long and yet you treat me this way? You really think that's how I am? How could you? Seriously.

Yeah M***, I mess with you about taking your virginity, but I never wanted to just fuck you to add to my tally of virgins or something like that. I have never been intimate with a guy that I did not want to be with. I have only done it too soon because I wanted to make them happy only to have them leave me because that was all they wanted in the first place. Even though they would tell me they wanted to be with me. I would be interested in you regardless of your virginal status. Yes I find virgins enticing, but I don't just go for them for that purpose only.

My point in this entire thing is this:
You have no idea how bad it hurts me that all of you guys (A***, T*****, J***, You, etc) honestly say these things and think these things about me. Especially knowing me for this long. You don't take me seriously. You could care less if I hangout with you guys half the time and often prefer me not to be there. You think that I'm just out to use you or your friends and hurt you all, and that I can't possibly be in a faithful committed relationship. I mean you think all of these things about me and yet you all still have the nerve to tell me I'm a friend. Honestly?

If this is really what you think of me then grow up and stop lying to me. I'm 20 years old I think I can take "we don't like you" without killing myself. Why should you feel bad? It's better to end it this way than to keep lying, talk about me behind my back, and have to deal with having me around when you don't really like me.

Honesty is the best policy. I've always been honest with all of you, regardless of if you paid attention or even cared about what I was saying or doing, It's only fair you be honest with me."

And there you have it. I will leave with this being said. I have pride inside and though often I hide behind this mask of a bad ass I am not all I may appear to be. If ever I have used anyone it has been myself. I will not bow to your thoughts and expectations. I will not break from the weight of your false accusations and assumptions. I'm done with this dance. Close Curtain.

Talent in Progress #2: Tearing Down the Walls and Chipping Off the Mask

Today I had a friend tell me that they could convince someone I've been trying to get the attention of for many years to go out with me. I laughed at her, but what she said kind of cut through me.

As she was standing in the doorway of the passengers seat of my car with her hand on the door she said:

"Oh, he'll go out with you. Because once he sees past your bullshit and hard ass exterior he'll realise that it's just a front and you're really just a sweet person who turns to mush around the person you love. Yeah. You know it's true."

And it hit me... "Close the door." I drove off feeling vulnerable and uneasy. I fought back tears as I realised what I've become.

Everything I am now is because of what I've been through. As is with everyone who's ever lived a life. But today I found out exactly what has happened to me.

I was once a shy girl, a hopeless romantic, a virgin, innocent and naive, insecure, mildly depressed, unsure of myself. I felt alone. I felt as though no one would ever understand me. I was then one I will call M1ZZUND3RZT00D. Misunderstood. It was my screen name. It was my everything. It was me.

Then I met a man whom I called my Angel. He had always made a point to make me smile. I fell in love, but he was seven years older than me and I was under aged. We only talked and flirted, but never had the chance to meet. He was a writer and wrote many poems that I grew fond of. You may have seen my tribute blog. It's for him.

We lost touch and the last time I talked to him he had told me that he was finally back with his ex whom he had been trying to get back for many years. He stated that he felt guilty talking to me and we never spoke again...

By then I had changed. Upon first talking to him I had begun to call myself TragedyCurse after one of his poems that I loved most. Slowly I had begun to open up. This was Junior year in high school. I began to get more curious about the human body (actively curious) and yet I fought with anger towards humanity and the ideals I had for myself. Senior year I lost myself in my actions with sex and promiscuity, I gained a mask of confidence and attempted seducing any attractive male I met in my path. Deep inside was still that little girl but I wanted so badly to be different so that I may finally reach my goal of being loved. I went to the other side of the spectrum and thus truly became just that. Tragically cursed.

After graduation I was still fairly innocent though no longer virginal. I had been shunned by my Angel who was now ashamed of me. I left my burden of ten months no longer calling him boyfriend but just friend and soon simply a boy. He was very much so just that. Not at all the man I thought he was, but a boy. I wanted a man. I wanted to love and all my life I had made an attempt to spread my love with a smile and kind words. Only to be rejected. Now I spread my legs hoping they will see the love within me. I got out of control. I was going about this the wrong way, but I thought it was right. What I had done before didn't work so surely this would.

It didn't.

Now here I am. Seventeen "men" later. Wondering where I've gone wrong. Slowly slipping backwards because after sweet sixteen I broke down. This isn't right. All I ever wanted is now even further out of reach and I'm losing myself in this process. I came to a halt. I went back to number eleven and he was there for me. He said he didn't need me but he wanted me. I felt he needed me as much as he tried to hide it. Sadly he has burst into flames. He is no more and I am left with number seventeen. I am starting to fall for him and things are becoming more difficult. I am going in reverse. The hologram is short circuiting. The mask has chipped...

I can't take back my virginity. I wouldn't. No regrets. But I am still that girl I once was. She is hiding behind this face I put on daily. But my foundation is flawed. And so the walls crumble. Thus here I am. Trying to make this work. Trying to figure myself out and fix my mistakes.

This is me. M1ZZ TC. Still misunderstood. And Cursed. Tragically.

Useless Talent #2: The Shepard, The Lamb, and The Slaughter

They say you can't tickle yourself, nor can you surprise yourself (outside of doing something you didn't think you'd ever get the nerve to do). You'll always know what's coming because you've made the decision to do it.

I, on the other hand, have mastered the art of tricking and trapping myself. Gentlemen this makes it easy because I'm doing most of the work for you.

I've heard the saying "Don't hate the player. Hate the game." many times in my life. I have come to the conclusion that if I am to hate anyone in this it is myself. A Player is basically the Shepard and his "Mark" is the lamb. Now as we should all know the Shepard brings the lamb to the slaughter. The thing is that I play myself. This lamb just goes a walkin up to the slaughterhouse without the Shepard even making a suggestion. I have fallen for some of the worst possible guys. I have put myself in some of the most ridiculous situations. I have been deep in denial and I have ditched all the good things I could have had along the way.

I thought the Shepard was good for me. I convinced myself. Men wouldn't have to lift a finger for me to be at their side faithful, tried, and true. I have been given up on, let down, looked over, crushed, ignored, blindsided, abused, you name it, I've felt it (for the most part).

I must be destined to follow those that don't truly care to lead me. As of late I find myself to typically be hung up on those that love another. Two from the past, though one of which I thought would be my future. I am now aware for he has made it very clear that what we had is history. The last from afar should be unimportant, but grows ever more dear to my heart, meanwhile, I am waiting to be blindsided yet again by the present I happened upon in my summer class.

The truth is I love, and when I love I give my all. The problem is I do not want to change this. I simply want my love to be reciprocated, and given to in return. Therefore, what am I complaining about you ask? The fact that you too may take my kindness for weakness, and I again will only show you that they are one in the same.

My problem is this. Why do we choose to flaunt our strengths? Why is it so wrong to show weakness?

I have found within myself as well as within others that though our strengths are great, and they shine beautifully on the outside to those that we share them with, if we use our strengths only to take advantage of one another and hurt eachother, then that is our true weakness.

Knowing and accepting your weaknesses and flaws as well as either ignoring or accepting the faults of others shows true strength.

I'm sorry I can't be perfect, but I never made that promise.

I Love My Mom

When you were 8 years old, your mom handed you an ice cream. You thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.

When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons. You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old she drove you all day, from soccer to football to one birthday party after another. You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked her by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.

When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming. You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.

When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, she taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, she was expecting an important call. You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, she cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.

When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you. You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.

When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.

And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART.

I try to show my Mom that I care about her. I didn't do the 10, 11, 14, 15, 16, 17 , or19 year old things. I didn't technically do the 9 year old thing. Instead I asked for a guitar for Christmas last year, and I rarely play it. When I was 18 I don't know if she cried at my graduation, but I didn't just disappear I hugged her and such and told her how I loved her. Then I went to the Senior all night party that was thrown by our school. I'm not twenty Five yet nor am I Fifty but I would never do those things... I couldn't imagen that... I love my mom dearly.

If this makes you feel guilty, or sad, or what have you... Call your mom. Tell her you love her.

Mine called me this morning asking me to do her a favor and I jumped into action. In my head I thought gosh I dontfeel like leaving the house, but I was ready to do it anyway to help her out. She tried to buy me lunch to thank me and I said nah maybe I'll just come have dinner with you at home sometime. No need for her to spend money. I'm always here if she needs me... But I'm not cleaning the kitchen this weekend... I have to work.

What Do You Think?

Gabriel Iglesias tells a story about a "Racist Gift Basket" that he (along with his friend Martin) puts together and has delivered to G Reily (A fellow comedian and long time friend of the both of them) as a joke.

This is the Video

Do you consider this to be...
Racist? or Funny?

I myself, as a woman of african-american decent, find it absolutely fucking hilarious. I would have been perfectly satisfied with the chicken and grape soda, as well as the kool-aid. But I felt he should have put in some salt and vinegar chips as well as some Franks Red Hot Sauce. I don't like watermelon...

For more funny videos of Gabriel Iglesias go to his home page on youtube Hot and Fluffy Comedy

I think he's great.
What do you think?

This Is The New Shit

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST

Cleverly answer these questions...


Pick an artist: Hollywood Undead


1.) Are you male or female?
Black Dahlia

2.) Describe yourself:
Young

3.) How do you feel about yourself?
The Loss

4.) Describe where you currently live:
City

5.) If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Christmas in Hollywood/California

6.) Your best friend is:
Everywhere I Go

7.) Your favorite color is:
No. 5

8.) You know that:
Pain

9.) What's the weather like?
No Other Place

10.) If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
The Diary

11.) What is life to you?
Bottle And A Gun

12.) What is the best advice you have to give?
Sell Your Soul

13.) Your worst enemy is?
This Love, This Hate

14.) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Untitled*

15.) Describe your current relationship?
Paradise Lost

16.) Say something about love :
Knife Called Lust

17.) How do you feel about your parents?
The Natives

18.) You're siblings?
Undead

19.) Describe your job :
Pimpin

20.) What do you do to pass the time?
Turn Out The Lights

The Sabbath

I always wondered why they called it the Sabbath... Is that supposed to mean seven? Or day of rest or something? If so then today is my day I guess... Because this will be day seven.

He's going to a Black Label Society concert. Wish I could go as well. I'm failing to understand why this means I can't see him even for a second today...

I no longer want to be plagued with these thoughts of doubt and worry. I am just afraid of this turning out like all the others...

I came to the conclusion that I've really only ever had seven boyfriends if you discount the childish elementary/middle school situations, and the poorly situated and wrongly labeled misunderstandings and mistakes...

I would love to make him my eighth, but when I say this note that I do not mean he will be just another notch on my bedpost. I would truly love for this to last. I see this going far. Maybe not forever. No one can ever predict that outcome. It isn't a bad thought though.

He has to be in Battle Creek by 6pm. This has been brought to my attention as I am typing this and now I understand. The concert is taking place in the Kellog Arena. I will see him tomorrow I think. I get frustated easily lately when I don't see him for extended periods of time. This is something I must explain...

I have a bad history of losing the ones I care for the most. The stronger my feelings become, the more I fear he will leave me. I know that I need to just enjoy the time I have. Planning for the future is a good thing, but worrying about it never will be.

I must do my best to remain positive if not destracted lol

I should attempt to continue organizing my writings. Open Diary has made this difficult because they are idiots and do not put the timestamp on entries. EVER. Honestly, what kind of blogging site does not put the times on the entries? Or at least make it an option. Seriously people. What the hell?

And Counting...

Ending Day Six leaves me with "YOU didn't contact ME" 's and "I didn't receive" 's

I sent him a picture text... I called him... I texted him and he finally responds saying he hasn't heard from me all day. Never received my photo...

Well alright... May I make you all mine tomorrow?

"I dunno"

Seriously? Please... Let's not make today the seventh...
I missed my wake up call...

Live Forever

Sometimes the pain of living is far much worse than death,
but I have watched the living, and they choose to hold their breathe.
Though I will inhale deeply, and exhale shortly after...
I will cry each tear the hardest, and max out all my laughter.
I will clench these fists the tightest. I will smile my smiles the brightest.
I will see the sights through HD eyes, and feel each touch, and hear each cry.
My whispers will carry, my voice will ring, my screams and shouts the loudest. I
will taste it all. I'll fly, I'll fall, I'll LIVE the liveliest life there is...
I welcome it's pains, it's joys, and it's doubts, and I'll live
till life kills me from the inside out.
© 2009

He When I

He laughs when I'm serious, smiles when I cry,
is content when I'm livid, and lives while I die.
He is hot when I'm cold, young when I'm old,
dry eyed when I'm tearful, and dull when I'm bold.
But he is giving up while I'm striving for more.
He's closing up while I'm opening doors.
I know he has listened though speak no he won't.
At least now he knows that he's loved... But I don't.
© 2009

When Confusion Ends Well

All day I waited for you to come. You arrive at 3:54PM, but I miss your calls and come outside after calling you at 4:06PM. Bad news is that your father wants to go take care of some car business with you today and he wants to do it right after he gets off of work at 5PM, but he did not tell you this until you were already on your way out here... So I manage to see you for maybe half an hour to go get Oil for your car...

I'm upset... I try to be understanding... I cancel my dinner plans on some idiotic thought that it won't take very long at all for you to return. After all you did promise to return. My intuition gets the better of me, but it is too late to re initiate dinner. Instead I eat my leftovers.

I began to give up hope... and become hurt... it's been hours upon hours... My uncle is convinced I am going no where tonight. Shun the non believer! I refuse to listen. A small glimmer of hope and trust that you will not break your promise to me. Simply because you've never made a promise before. So this must be real.

At exactly 10:30PM you text me and I am on my way to see you. When I arrive we are unsure of what the plan is. During the brainstorm I receive a phone call and then spend most of my time tending to the needs of a friend. Simply because he is very important to me. You'll have to understand that eventually, however, I don't think you currently have any thoughts on it at all. So I suppose for now this doesn't matter.

It is at this point that I realise that I act somewhat childish around you... It may be product of a child-like innocence present in the feelings I posses that associate with you. Or I could just... get so nervous that I act like a little kid...

Things feel different. I worry I'm bothering you... boring you... Perhaps you do not like my outfit... perhaps you just don't find me as attractive as you once did.... It could simply be that I am feeling insecure today. I seek your approval and I do not feel that I am receiving it... Perhaps I am being needy today... I curse my chemical imbalance that comes hand in hand with being born a woman. Fluctuation of hormones = emotional roller coaster.

You barely get close to me... I want your attention... I've missed you...

But things alter. You gave me a sign.

As I lean against the corner of the booth at Pizza House My smile fades... I am giving up... You ask what's wrong and tell me to come here. Pulling me towards you you rub my belly. Silly boy. I feel accepted. We were simply tired. Now you hold me close. You touch me softly. Forehead kisses... My favorite.

All

is

well...

Oh... Right. I saw Chloe. A girl I went to Elementary/Middle School with. But that is unimportant.

I really like this boy...

"Mornin Suga Bear"

He always says this to me when he wakes up...
And it always makes me feel wonderful.

I was angry... simply because I miss him. But everytime he greets me with those three words I melt.

It's gonna be a glorious day

Day Five

I have been waiting all day for you and you're not coming.

This marks the fifth day of us not seeing each other... second in a row...

Why is this? "I'm sorry i wasn't planning on hanging out here as long as i did"

Well I didn't plan on waiting all day just to be disappointed...

I am tired of waiting for people.

Next time you will wait for me my dear. No longer will I be bored out of my mind.

ALL FUCKING DAY.

Call me.

Will I answer?

We'll see.

"I didn't plan on sleeping that long... sorry"

How do you like it?

I dressed up for you yesterday and you were too tired.

I dressed up today and you don't even have a good excuse.

IF I dress up tomorrow SOMEONE is going to see how damn good I look in this outfit.

Even if it's not you.

Do you realise how long it takes to do my hair?

I am wasting my time trying to look nice for you.

I'll just remain scrubby and unkept.

I hope you're satisfied.

Untitled

The only thing that I can say today is that I've gone away.
I made my way. I've made you stay. They say I could've made you pay,
but I chose to move forward. And, though I may look back,
I never will forget the lessons, never lose the meaning. Words I lack
I will soon find, and they will surely ease my mind
for I know I am not the messanger, but I am just the message sent
and I was meant for this. Hellbent on never turning back.
© 2009

Oh If Only {For Him... The Missing Angel}

Oh, if only I could find the time.
If only I could just rewind the days,
and find the friend I lost,
oh, some five years ago.

I never knew I'd miss you so
and never thought you'd let me go
so easily you've gone away.
One day I plan to find you,
make you stay here, lay with me dear,
just remember, just remember.

You said smile and that I did,
but I am no longer that kid.
A smile is plastered on my face
just to remember,

and now I drink,
though not for taste,
a beer for everyday I waste away
without you here.

You said I'd like it, but I don't.
Said I was like you,
but I think my soul is seperate
though it's near.

So now I search for you my Angel.
You're my Demon in disguise.
You corrupted me so many years ago
and saved my life,
but you could never have imagened
that without you things got worse,

though life is good there is no ocean.
Wingless, skyless on this earth...
It may seem I am doing better,
but I'm still here tragically cursed...
© 2009

"You just got the nerve first"

May 12th, 2009 HUM 185 The Horror Film Day 1

June16th, 2009 Just about...
First time I sat next to him... FINALLY.

Slowly I began to make conversation making further attempts daily...
His voice is far too exciting to listen to. I enjoy this far too much...

I now sit with him everyday.

I would like to ask for his number... I am certain he must have a girlfriend.
He is far too attractive to be single...

July 14th, 2009
Pussy out (Like A Boss)

July 16th was a lucky day. I like to say I grew balls for a day.

"That's a neat trick"

Yes I know, but I had to do something.
He's such a cool guy that I had to pull SOMETHING out from under my sleeve...

"I kinda wanted to see if you would come talk to me. Cause if you're interested then you'd come talk to me."

You see he's kinda shy...

It took us three days to kiss. I was nervous as hell.

At least we managed to cuddle and hold hands on the first day of our chill sessions. (July 17th)

We've seen each other almost every day since then. It's great.

We missed one day because:
My friend came into town and in the end it was too late to come see him and he could not make it out to me.

The second day was my fault because I stayed at my Exes house and didn't come out to see him. (Sunday July 26th)

The third night happened because of his phone getting wet... (Tuesday July 28th)

Now today it's a different story. We're both still shy but he's puttin' on most of the moves. Picking on me. Embarrassing me. Making me feel special. Finally. A sweet guy that does all the cute stuff but still remains manly.

I know that sounds sexist... but I don't want a guy that is going to hang all over me and cling to me endlessly any more than I guy wants a girl to do the same. When I say that he is still manly about it I mean only that he does not act like a little boy.

Sadly I did not get to see him today because he was playing drums with his band for about eight hours straight... got dropped off at home... was supposed to shower and come back out... but was too tired... making this day four...

The point in telling you all of this... is that I have not felt this way in a long time.

I am happy to say that I am happy. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't much look at other men and when I do I no longer think "I should get his number" Instead simply go on my way knowing they were attractive but I've got this guy. I do not think of other men when with him, but think of him when with other men.

I will not deny the thought of other men alone in my room. However, this is more of a "I sure miss ________" And is filled with a longing to speak with them and a wonder on how they are doing currently.

I do not want to date other men. I simply want to be his. While I am not...

It is not that he is seeing someone else. It is that he has not asked me to be his alone. And while the label is not required nor needed... it is nice to know... and the feeling is unmatched.

Wish me luck for I am turning back time.

A toast to the days when I was young and innocent. I will regress into the one I once was.