Talent in Progress #2: Tearing Down the Walls and Chipping Off the Mask

Today I had a friend tell me that they could convince someone I've been trying to get the attention of for many years to go out with me. I laughed at her, but what she said kind of cut through me.

As she was standing in the doorway of the passengers seat of my car with her hand on the door she said:

"Oh, he'll go out with you. Because once he sees past your bullshit and hard ass exterior he'll realise that it's just a front and you're really just a sweet person who turns to mush around the person you love. Yeah. You know it's true."

And it hit me... "Close the door." I drove off feeling vulnerable and uneasy. I fought back tears as I realised what I've become.

Everything I am now is because of what I've been through. As is with everyone who's ever lived a life. But today I found out exactly what has happened to me.

I was once a shy girl, a hopeless romantic, a virgin, innocent and naive, insecure, mildly depressed, unsure of myself. I felt alone. I felt as though no one would ever understand me. I was then one I will call M1ZZUND3RZT00D. Misunderstood. It was my screen name. It was my everything. It was me.

Then I met a man whom I called my Angel. He had always made a point to make me smile. I fell in love, but he was seven years older than me and I was under aged. We only talked and flirted, but never had the chance to meet. He was a writer and wrote many poems that I grew fond of. You may have seen my tribute blog. It's for him.

We lost touch and the last time I talked to him he had told me that he was finally back with his ex whom he had been trying to get back for many years. He stated that he felt guilty talking to me and we never spoke again...

By then I had changed. Upon first talking to him I had begun to call myself TragedyCurse after one of his poems that I loved most. Slowly I had begun to open up. This was Junior year in high school. I began to get more curious about the human body (actively curious) and yet I fought with anger towards humanity and the ideals I had for myself. Senior year I lost myself in my actions with sex and promiscuity, I gained a mask of confidence and attempted seducing any attractive male I met in my path. Deep inside was still that little girl but I wanted so badly to be different so that I may finally reach my goal of being loved. I went to the other side of the spectrum and thus truly became just that. Tragically cursed.

After graduation I was still fairly innocent though no longer virginal. I had been shunned by my Angel who was now ashamed of me. I left my burden of ten months no longer calling him boyfriend but just friend and soon simply a boy. He was very much so just that. Not at all the man I thought he was, but a boy. I wanted a man. I wanted to love and all my life I had made an attempt to spread my love with a smile and kind words. Only to be rejected. Now I spread my legs hoping they will see the love within me. I got out of control. I was going about this the wrong way, but I thought it was right. What I had done before didn't work so surely this would.

It didn't.

Now here I am. Seventeen "men" later. Wondering where I've gone wrong. Slowly slipping backwards because after sweet sixteen I broke down. This isn't right. All I ever wanted is now even further out of reach and I'm losing myself in this process. I came to a halt. I went back to number eleven and he was there for me. He said he didn't need me but he wanted me. I felt he needed me as much as he tried to hide it. Sadly he has burst into flames. He is no more and I am left with number seventeen. I am starting to fall for him and things are becoming more difficult. I am going in reverse. The hologram is short circuiting. The mask has chipped...

I can't take back my virginity. I wouldn't. No regrets. But I am still that girl I once was. She is hiding behind this face I put on daily. But my foundation is flawed. And so the walls crumble. Thus here I am. Trying to make this work. Trying to figure myself out and fix my mistakes.

This is me. M1ZZ TC. Still misunderstood. And Cursed. Tragically.