Honesty, Honestly.

I made a mistake and I wouldn't apologize. I refused simply because upon making the mistake I was verbally attacked, and I do not believe I deserved the assault for my mistake. I was not given the chance to apologize before being jumped at.

Had I been given the chance I would have apologized right away. However, You can't blow up at me for making a mistake before I even have the chance to say sorry and expect me to just tuck my tail and apologize.

I spent the rest of the night furious while you made snide remarks of me being a Bitch, an Idiot, "It's like talking to a brick wall", "I don't need to be hit on anymore anyway" You were very mature about it all.

I sat through the movie feeling out casted. I felt alone though sitting next to three of my so called friends. I say this because we started out arriving at the mall as friends and upon me making a small mistake and being instantly reprimanded I was then told that I should apologize first. Why? Because I am the one who started it by making the mistake.

Correct me if I'm wrong but without initial malicious intent I am not entirely the wrong one here. Now If I had made said mistake and then laughed at it and didn't care and initially refused to apologize THEN you have every right to get angry with me and retaliate. You paused and gave me the chance to say gosh I'm sorry and I laughed in your face and refused. However, this is not the case. Therefore, I will not be first to make amends. I made the mistake and upon turning around to find that I had indeed caused a commotion I was then screamed at and pushed before I could even part my lips to let the apology crawl through. I will not be treated like a dog.

If an animal gets into something that it is not supposed to, regardless of if it knew whether or not it was proper, you scold it. "Look what you've done! Bad ::Insert pet here::!" I am not a fucking animal. I am not your pet. Do not treat me this way. The initial response for a pet is to then go hide off somewhere for a while, sulk, and later return to your presence and nudge you or something as a sign of saying "Are you still mad? I didn't mean it. We still friends?" However, I will not do that. For again. I am not your fucking pet.

I am a human being I know without you telling me when I have made such an obvious mistake. All that takes to get my attention in this situation is perhaps an "Oh my gosh!" Or a "What the hell!" and I will turn around, look at you, see what I have done, and apologize. If I am just plain rude then I will not apologize. A simple "Oops. :: Shrug ::" Is all you're getting. That right there is a Bitch thing to do.

Now, before I even had the chance to turn around and realize what had happened you have shoved me and called me said "Bitch". Well if I am then why ever would I apologize. I am a bitch. You have said it yourself. So there will be no apology from me. You do not see this as wrong for you have assumed that I have done this to you on purpose. I have not. Assuming is a shitty thing to do. This means that you believe that I am just that rude. Now I am insulted. I do not apologize to people who insult me.

I can agree that this is a stupid argument simply for the fact that I know what I did is not something to fight over, however, it is also not a reason for you to push me and call me a bitch. I also know that it is simply because it was me who did it. If it had been one of our other two friends you would have done the initial "What the hell" and they would have apologized and it would be over now. But it isn't. You didn't. So not only have you insulted me but you are singling me out yet again. This is a regular occurrence. This is not the first time. However, it will be the last.

After the movie I have gone home. Yes I am still angry. No I have still not apologized. No I do not think you deserve me to. I have written a letter, however, and I will eventually have you reading it. Or perhaps listening as I speak it. It reads:

"I'm sorry that I spilled the sprite all over you. It was a mistake. I wasn't looking when I pulled it away. I had turned away from you right before you started drinking and pulled so I didn't know you're lips were even on it yet. But I'm not apologizing because I want to make up. I don't even want to hear your apology.

I'm apologizing because I wanted to BEFORE you decided to flip out on me. Because it really was an accident and I really didn't do it on purpose. I am tired of trying with you at this point. I can honestly say that if it had been anyone else you wouldn't have flipped out like that. You may have said "What the fuck!" and they would have simply said "Oh my God dude, I'm sorry... it was an accident." You may have been bothered but you would've gotten over it. Yet as it is with everything I do you chose to just assume I'm an evil bitch and I had a malicious intent.

I have done nothing but try to gain your acceptance for the past 6 or so years. I tried being EXTRA UBER nice to your dog not even getting mad when he hurts me by scratching my legs when he jumps up on me to greet me. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but hey, I didn't spill the drink on purpose either and you still flipped out on me.

I try dressing nicely to get at LEAST a "You look nice" out of you, but instead you just bitch at me about how I shouldn't have worn that outfit if I didn't want Berg (your dog) to mess it up. "I should have known better. I knew there was a dog in the house."

I try to drive as often as possible and pick at least A***** up so that you don't have to. I never charged you once for gas. I never required it. You did give me five dollars once in high school but you chose to and I told you you didn't have to. Yet every time I need a ride you want to charge me ten dollars which is not even how much it costs to pick me up and/or take me home.

I thought about paying for your ticket tonight, but you decided to make a snide remark about how A***** could pay for you with her five dollar bill, yet mentioned that I couldn't as if I didn't have the money because you only saw me with a one dollar bill and change which I had only had out because I already counted out my $1.75 for my ticket and put my money away. I in fact did have well over enough because I made money off of tips this week. You wouldn't know that because you never talk to me unless I'm with A***** and you don't really ask me anything about my life.

I know you seem to think it's hilarious to do things that A***** asks you to do, and then when I ask the same refuse simply because it's me, but honestly it gets old fast. Seriously M**** how would you feel if someone constantly told someone else how amazing they are and acted like you're not there, basically saying right to your face that this other person is far more superior in every way compared to you, did every little thing for them just about, even as simple as tell them the time when they ask, but if you want to know what time it is well you're shit out of luck simply because it's you...

Everything I ask of you or any idea I suggest you veto until A***** says she wants to do it. No this isn't EVERY TIME and I know you're doing it to mess with me (at least I should hope you're not seriously that cold), but you do it so frequently that it starts digging in deep. I didn't ask for "tickets to the gun show" because I feel like I shouldn't have to ask. You didn't make A***** ask. Yet again it's just another little teasing thing you do that I don't understand. You'll do something for someone else without them even asking, but I pretty much have to beg you for the same service you just offered someone else.

I don't even think you realise how hard I try to impress you in some way. Or maybe you do and that's why you act this way. You honestly treat me differently than anyone else. Even the people you've JUST met. I KNOW that you don't find me attractive M***, but as hard as I try you'd think you could at least be nice more regularly so that it's not such a surprise and catches me off guard when you are, and perhaps not put me down and make me feel like crap almost every time I see you.

Especially on days like this. When you're actually being nice to me and we are getting along pretty well and I'm actually some what happy. I can't do ANYTHING wrong because if I make one small mistake like accidentally spilling the sprite then you blow up at me and hate me for the rest of the week pretty much.

It'd be nice to actually be treated like I'm your friend. Or at least be honest and tell me that you don't want to be my friend at all. Then at least A***** can stop reassuring me that you give a shit in the least.


P.S.
You can't get over the fact that "I complain about A*** flirting yet I flirt too"
Everyone flirts M***. That is not my point.

A*** was originally supposed to be A*****'s good friend. Correct me if I'm wrong but I was told that originally A*** came over because she was J***'s girlfriend and you guys invited J*** over. A*** and A** apparently hit it off and were supposed to be good friends since. A***** would invite A*** over and they would hangout, but A*** decided she wanted to be one of the guys because that's just how she feels she fits in. Fine.

What's not fine is that what A*** is doing is basically like this:

Say J*** and A***** live together and you all come over their house all the time. Well I'm A*****'s friend right? So say I come over. I say "Hi" to A***** one time basically just to show I noticed she's there.

Then I come and I hangout with J*** and all you guys the entire time, drinking, smoking, whatever. All the while hitting on everyone and being over dramatic all the time just to get attention. A***** gets in an argument with J*** and is really upset. I'm supposed to be A*****'s friend so I should go after her and make sure she's OK right? But No. I wanna hangout with all of you guys and honestly don't give two shits about what's going on. So I just say "Well I'm her friend so I guess I HAVE to go after her..." and reluctantly I go off to find her.

That's fucking rude. I'm A*****'s friend so I should be there for her. Not ignoring her most of the time only hanging out with everyone else and reluctantly being there for her because I guess I have to since I'm supposed to be her friend. I think A*** is selfish.

Your problem is that you think that I'm just a big flirt who uses men just to have fun and toy with them. You also think that A*** is very attractive. Therefore, when A*** is hanging out with you guys you don't even notice the flirting as much AND you think she's cool because she's the only one of us girls that actually likes beer, smokes with you guys, and pretty much agrees with everything you say. You also don't mind when she flirts with you because again you think she's pretty.

On the other hand you think that I'm just a bitch who thinks that A*** is in my territory, or I'm jealous or something. Even though you've known me longer.

What I think is that not only is it shitty that all of you guys just assumed that about me, but I've known you all for 6 years now except for A*** because I don't think I met him Freshman year... Pretty sure it was after that. You've all known A*** since... this year maybe last year? After we graduated. Yet you trust her more.

You all made the assumption that because I flirt with guys a lot this means I'm using them. When what you don't know, because you only see me flirt in front of you and then never see what happens later, is that simply because I happen to find men very attractive and there are many attractive men around does not mean that I am just guy hoping and hurting guys left and right breaking hearts.

I long for a relationship like J*** and A*****'s (minus the arguing) where I can stay with someone for years and years and have them love me just as much as I love them and make it special. What you miss after the flirting is that I always flirt with a guy looking for a relationship and end up getting used and dumped. But you guys treat me like I'm the bad guy. Like I'm just some whore who goes around flirting, trapping, fucking guys and leaving them. They all leave me. I'm the one left wondering why they didn't want me. So while you're busy warning all your new guy friends about me saying that "I might try to hit on them and I'm bad news" and "be careful" because oh your new friends are nice guys and you don't want me to hurt them. I'm the one getting hurt looking for a nice guy while you're all trying to hide the nice guys you make friends with from me.

It's shitty because you all act like I don't have feelings and that I'm just out to hurt people. You've all known me for so long and yet you treat me this way? You really think that's how I am? How could you? Seriously.

Yeah M***, I mess with you about taking your virginity, but I never wanted to just fuck you to add to my tally of virgins or something like that. I have never been intimate with a guy that I did not want to be with. I have only done it too soon because I wanted to make them happy only to have them leave me because that was all they wanted in the first place. Even though they would tell me they wanted to be with me. I would be interested in you regardless of your virginal status. Yes I find virgins enticing, but I don't just go for them for that purpose only.

My point in this entire thing is this:
You have no idea how bad it hurts me that all of you guys (A***, T*****, J***, You, etc) honestly say these things and think these things about me. Especially knowing me for this long. You don't take me seriously. You could care less if I hangout with you guys half the time and often prefer me not to be there. You think that I'm just out to use you or your friends and hurt you all, and that I can't possibly be in a faithful committed relationship. I mean you think all of these things about me and yet you all still have the nerve to tell me I'm a friend. Honestly?

If this is really what you think of me then grow up and stop lying to me. I'm 20 years old I think I can take "we don't like you" without killing myself. Why should you feel bad? It's better to end it this way than to keep lying, talk about me behind my back, and have to deal with having me around when you don't really like me.

Honesty is the best policy. I've always been honest with all of you, regardless of if you paid attention or even cared about what I was saying or doing, It's only fair you be honest with me."

And there you have it. I will leave with this being said. I have pride inside and though often I hide behind this mask of a bad ass I am not all I may appear to be. If ever I have used anyone it has been myself. I will not bow to your thoughts and expectations. I will not break from the weight of your false accusations and assumptions. I'm done with this dance. Close Curtain.