J.D. (Still here within me)

Current mood: aggravated
Category: Friends

"So... since very few of my female friends are Christian and the ones that are aren't really interesting/interested in me, I just figure it's best to close down and shut out any feelings I have. Why does it matter? It's part of being a Christian. It's against our beliefs to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe as we do. See, that's the thing. Most people think being a "Christian" is going to church and singing songs and listening to a pastor. Which isn't it. A person can pray every day, go to church four times a week, sing the songs, read their Bible every day and do nice things for people, and not be a Christian."

-J.D.

It doesn't make sense it's like adding more rules to an already complicated game to the point where it makes it impossible to win.

"Ah but it's not about rules of what you do and don't do, it's who you are and what you believe. It's where your faith and heart are. Being a Christian is about having a relationship with Christ. Not about going to church. Not about being a good person. Though those are things you'll want to do because you'll want to be closer to Jesus."

-J.D.

It shouldn't mean you have to rule out dating everyone who doesn't do that same. Arn't you supposed to be understanding and excepting just as your lord and savior is. Even if they don't practice the same faith they are still a child of God. My relationship with God is about the same as it is with my actual Daddy. We don't talk much unless I really need his help. Just because I don't talk to him as much as you might doesn't mean i don't see what he's done for me.

I guess I'll never understand and I don't plan on changeing the way i am as far as that goes so I guess I'll never be good enough for you either. If religion and faith weren't a part of it you wouldn't be like this. What made you hate people so much

"They're worthless. Constantly feeding off of everyone else and giving little back. There are very few people in this world that are consciencious of other people's wants and needs and aren't out there just to get to the top. Those are the people that get hurt and walked on because they don't feel the need to treat others that way. And if you're wondering, yes, this is against everything I believe in. I have issues to change in my own heart as it is."

-J.D.

And if you hate people so much then why did you decide to talk to me again. Am I not one who gets hurt and walked on? Am I not worthless?

"Answer me this, why should I explain myself to you? What really gives you the right to know why I do what I do?"

-J.D.

I don't have the right exactly I'm asking because I don't understand and I want to know and because I care and because I still love you after 1 and a half years after you cast me aside because I wasn't what you thought I was because I thought you loved me and because of one small thing you forgot to ask earlier changed everything you ever felt for me and left me stranded but I still care and you came back so why don't you care anymore? Why did you come back? to haunt me? to tease me and show me what I lost and what i still can't have? And if you hate people you must hate me too so why are you here. I don't understand.

"I hate people who don't return what they've been given. You, yourself, care. And you've been walked on, obviously. You're not one of those worthless people I spoke of. I came back... out of curiosity I suppose. Or at least the chance to mend old wounds, but I never foresaw this coming up again."

-J.D.

Curiosity killed this cat a long time ago. I'm dropping this. I don't want to be angry anymore. I just wish I could've changed. I still wish I could but I can't because I'd be lying to myself and to you. I can't do that. So I guess if you'll let me all I'll ever be is a friend.

I've tried everyday to stop wishing and hoping.
I shouldn't be praying if I don't believe.
I'll never be answerd if I am a heathen.
I'll never know truth if I only decieve.

© 2006

I'm slipping. I stopped caring. I care but not enough.

"Hey, you can't hurt if you can't feel."
-J.D.

I wish I could stop feeling. I'm in constant pain everyday. Sometimes it even becomes physical. I've changed too and too much has happend. I went from being a no one to being noticed but not completely in a good way.

Rumors and constant contriversy.
Lies and truths will both decieve.
Everything you know or hear
about me don't believe.

© 2006

I don't care enough to change what you think of me. Or anyone else for that matter. If you don't like it that sucks it's how I am. I can't even change for myself so why try for others. So what would be the point in lying. People I like don't care and People I don't like care too much. When I say like I mean in "that way". Though I suppose they feel that way about me too. The people I like I'm sure think I care too much (Probably... -J.D.) and the people i don't like i'm sure think i don't care.

"Got all the fans you could never want, huh?"

-J.D.

"I guess what goes around comes around, but feh, no use worrying about it, right?"

-J.D.

I wouldn't mind so much if one of them wasn't 13 and then there's the creepy old men who liked the picture of my ass on myspace friggin 32 years old and 29 year old from japan... (:-X That's just gross. -J.D.)

"You do have a nice ass though..."

-J.D.

Apparently. (J.D. *laughs*) Losing friends, questioning friendships, hating myself, wanting to be something I can't, trying to change, but i don't have the resources or the motivation. Giving up slowly, awaiting the inevitable and fearing it more than ever, growing weak and paranoid.

"And what's the inevitable?"

-J.D.

Death.

"Death is only the beginning."

-J.D.

For most. All I see is nothingness. A pitiful existence, but an existence nonetheless.

"Death is something I embrace. I look forward to it. Not because of religion or that... But mostly a refelction of why I wear so much black."

-J.D.

Hm. I fear it. (Why? Do you fear the unknown? What might be come? - J.D.) Exactly. I'd rather burn in hell than die and become truly dead to the world.

"Hell really is death to the world."

-J.D.

All I can do is hope that there is a heaven and hell since as far as i'm concerned it's impossible to tell. What if it's all a lie and there's nothing after this. I don't want to be nothing

"It's better to believe something than nothing at all and be set in wonder."

-J.D.

I want to be alive I want to live and feel every pain known to man even though it'll hurt it's better than nothingness. I guess if you believe and it's all a lie you'll never know, but I don't want to end up living a lie. I have to go soon but I'll be back and then you can send the pictures and the video. And i'll send you the video.

"Oh cool, thanks Kiara. Though it seems that you need to decide what exactly you believe in."

-J.D.

I'm good with neutral. I don't think anyone should rule out the possibilities, so I'll keep them all in mind and hope for the best.

"That's definitely nothing I'd enjoy... Too much uncertainty. (Yeah that's the only part that sucks) But if it works for you... You'll be all right."

-J.D.

I hope so. For me I guess it's a fear of losing everything. Everything I never really had.

"There's nothing you can take after death."

-J.D.

I know. We really have to change the subject though. If I think about it too much I'll freak myself out. I'm already close to tears. When I'm ready the whole world takes its time and when I take my time the whole world passes me by.